[ He's right, of course, and it truly is shameful that it had taken him so long to return. It stings to hear, as somebody who had been been strictly taught how to act as a proper host and took the matter quite seriously. Hiyori had failed as a host, and he was now failing to maintain any sense of composure. It's not getting significantly harder any longer, but there's no relief from it either.
A shudder runs its way down his spine as he feels Komaeda's breath in his ear once more, and the action pulls a gasp out of him. His breaths come out quick and shallow now, heart racing in his chest, and he does start to squirm a little as his earlobe is nipped at. That had always been a sensitive area for him, and he's quickly realizing just how skilled Komaeda is at finding just the right spots and hitting just the right notes. ]
K-Komaeda-kun...
[ Hiyori murmurs his name, whimpering as his waistband is played with. His knees feel as though they might start buckling at any moment, and he chooses to blame that on the ever mounting exhaustion that he feels. It's barely anything at all, and it's already too much, and he doesn't want this to stop here. That warning he had felt is melting away with all other coherent thought, and it takes him a moment to respond. ]
Mmph... [ Had he said want? He had meant need, but there was no taking it back now, and he can't very well refuse. ] If you insist, then... Then I suppose I'll leave it to you... Please excuse me, Komaeda-kun...
[ For being such a poor, shameless host. He struggles with the answer, practically making himself sick in saying it for what a heavy blow to his pride it is. ]
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HE'S SO DISGUSTING, I HATE HIM please kill him quickly
[ Komaeda pulls away, and there's a sudden void that wasn't there before, causing another shiver to run down his spine. It seems as though he were made to fill that space, and Hiyori longs to reach other and pull him close again so that they might continue. But he can't and he doesn't, instead focusing his efforts on taking several deep breaths to steady himself, to try and calm his trembling hands as he turns to the other. He looks back, slightly dewy-eyed, unable to fully mask the disappointment, shaking his head to clear his mind.
When was the last time anyone was able to pull such a reaction out of him? Hiyori can't remember. Perhaps during his teenage years, but even then he can't quite remember.
He manages to calm himself a little, though his head is swimming and he struggles to fish out the right words and reactions for this situation. He swallow as he watches Komaeda lick his lip, inviting him to taste it himself, but that would only lead to him pushing for more... But then, would that really be so bad when he only need to reach out and take it? It would be, of course, because it would be a short term gain at the cost of ending a long term goal.
He reaches out his hand instead, having forced it to steady, and pats Komaeda's head. He strokes his hair for a few seconds, but nothing more. ]
Thank you, Komaeda-kun. [ For his kindness. ] I'm... [ Another small, calming breath. ] Ah, I'm already asking too much of you, so please don't worry about me. I do have an extra room, so you're free to spend the night if you'd like. Help yourself to anything here.
[ He uses the last of his common sense to draw that boundary, knowing that to do anything else would draw issues. It would be enabling the bad behaviors being practiced, and he's grateful that this thought was so deeply ingrained into him. ]
I'll get out of your way now.
[ He forces that gentle smile, apologetic and a little humiliated to have to ask such a thing. But he takes his hand back and turns, padding his way out of the kitchen, thinking that he should have taken a bucket of ice to dump his head in along with him. ]
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OKAY BUT IT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE DESERVES I'M JUST SAYING
[ He manages to recover enough of himself to offer those steadfast parting words, ones that leave no room for question. Hiyori would ask for nothing, but would rather wait for it to be given freely. He would take things that others didn't want to give because those were special and precious, like taking precious jewels, but there was no pleasure to be found in endlessly taking and asking of a person who so desired to be used. This was, by comparison, far preferable.
So it is that he offers those parting words as he walks away. It was a choice for him to make - he could stay in the guest room or in the master bedroom. He could sleep on the sofa, or he could simply leave without a word. But it would be by ruling, and not that of an ultimate. If Komaeda would think of it as his duty to care for Ultimates, then Hiyori would think of it as his duty to care for him as much as he did anyone else. All of his efforts to build up and break and then piece back together, all of his need for control and to bend things to his will, those things so often clashed with his desire to see others to think and act by their own will, to uncover the truth and affirm their own resolve.
That's why he can act as a bystander, only nudging the ball in the right direction as he so chooses. He's one who can watch the world as it finds its own path, and even through the fog in his mind and the burning sensation he remembers that goal clearly. It's one that he's carried with him his entire life, after all. Perhaps it was because he could always maintain and regain control that he could desire to see others build themselves up as much as he desired to break them down, or perhaps it was just that those who were broken by him deserved to be such for their inability to sense danger and escape it. That seemed more right, as they served a far greater purpose by his hand than they would have wandering aimlessly through life.
He thinks on it a little more clearly as he enters the master bedroom and makes his way into the bathroom, splashing his face with cold water several times before drying it off. It does little to ease his desire, and by now he's accepted that nothing will awaken him properly, but it does remind him of that singular goal of his. The world would bend and break as he so chose, and it often did, and yet he so often preferred to watch it come to its own starting and stopping points.
He dries his face off and tries to remember what was needed. His head is cloudy, and there's a faint ache from trying so hard to work through his exhaustion. But he manages to remember, retrieving the first aid kit along with a bottle of aspirin. After some thought, he replaces the small first aid kit and instead retrieves a weightier medical kit from beneath the sink. It was one that he had carefully put together himself. No, he just can't enjoy it properly at all when a person simply wishes to give up all that they are and be used without one putting forth any effort...
He sets both down on the nightstand upon walking back in and though he only means to sit down, he quickly finds himself laying on his side, staring at the wall just briefly before his eyelids droop and he finds himself starting to doze. He's always been a terribly light sleeper, awakening at the slightest sound, so perhaps it's fine. ]
Edited 2021-11-26 23:56 (UTC)
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he's just begging for attention here, hiyori's neglecting him so he has to
[ This is why he avoids coming in his room even when he comes home. It's easy to forget all those things that he needs to do when he does, and even if he only comes in to get something or another, he winds up thinking that a few minutes won't hurt. A few minutes turns into hours, and the bright light of the sun is creeping in by time he wakes up. But his eyes flutter open now as he heads a knock on the door. Hiyori sits up, rubbing his eyes before he looks toward the door with a tired smile. ]
Ah, Komaeda-kun... Sorry, I normally treat my company much better than this...
[ He swings his legs over the edge of the bed, giving a little yawn. He should have kept himself moving, but as always, it had been too tempting. he takes his phone out of his pocket just long enough to double check the time. It hasn't been all that long since he came in here. That was good, and the amount he had gotten should be enough to keep him going until he'd taken everything he needs to.
Really, though, he would have to figure something out for the next time he had company over. If nothing more, there was no reason for a host to be falling asleep on their guests as though they were too boring to stay with, or otherwise that the host was too irresponsible and thoughtless to even bother with ensuring that they were in the right state of mind to have them over.
Hiyori lets out a little sigh, a touch dejected as he thinks on that. Truly, he had wanted to leave a better first impression than this. ]
I didn't sleep well last night, and I suppose it's catching up with me.
[ It's not a lie, but it's not an excuse either. ]
(deleted comment)
THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S NEVER HOME SO HE DOESN'T DO MUCH GROCERY SHOPPING
It's alright. I want to be awake for you. Besides, I'm on call tonight.
[ The loud tones of his phone would always wake him up in the event that he was called upon, but this seems a more acceptable reason than the myriad of tasks that he has left. It's so rare for him to have company, and even rarer now that he's stopped inviting others over. He no longer has interest in dating or bringing home strangers when none of them could compare. There was only one person that he wanted to visit him now, and it was the one sitting next to him.
His face warms as he feels a hand on his face, smile shifting into something softer and more genuine, and he leans into that touch. Despite rubbing his eyes, there's still moisture clinging to his cheeks. He lifts the cup now, savoring the warmth and the pleasant scent that wafts off of it as he holds it with both hands. It truly would have been wasteful to miss out on this tea. It was something that Komaeda had decided to make for him on his own, and that was reason enough for him to stay awake for it. It was a small thing, but every decision that one made was significant. ]
Are you sure? Would you like it if I laid my head in your lap...? I love you, Komaeda-kun, so there's no point if you won't.
[ He's marginally more awake for having allowed his mind a short reprise from its work now, enough to articulate those feelings once more. Hiyori wants to, of course, but a part of love was understanding that such moments needed to be enjoyed by both parties. He doesn't want a doll that he can play with and dress up as he pleases, he wants a person who speaks of his wants and desires.
He takes a couple small sips of the tea now, enjoying the pleasant taste it offers. ]
... Thank you, Komaeda-kun.
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PLEASSEEEE can't they just get chinese take out delivered
[ Hiyori listens as Komaeda voices his concerns, keeping his eyes on him. He takes another sip of tea as he considers the best way to answer the question. The answer should be obvious, and yet, no matter how many times he explains it he's certain that he'll be denied. Komaeda's love was too pure and too honest, and it was far too selfless. It was an obsession that had long since consumed him. ]
Well...
[ He closes his eyes briefly, bringing the cup to his lips once more. He takes one hand away from the cup, which he rests in his lap, before reaching over to place it over Komaeda's, fingers curling so he can gently grip it. It truly was a difficult thing to explain. Then, perhaps it might be better to press the issue a little further. He lets his eyes open again, tilting his head side. ]
Your lap is more than soft enough for me, Komaeda-kun... But, I don't understand. Why is it painful? Do you not want to enjoy your time with me?
[ He scoots a little close. He's listening closely and looking more carefully in an effort to signify that he's trying to understand the issue at hand. He knows the answer, but he asks the question regardless. If nothing more, it's important to believe that his feelings are being heard. ]
Tell me, please.
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BUT CHINESE FOOD IS SALTY AS HELL SO IT'S PERFECT okay fine he can do it
[ Hiyori must be able to pick up on discomfort, as he removes his hand before he edges away from Komaeda to put a bit more distance between them. It's not an uncommon behavior for the doctor, who believed that responding to a person's needs without them having to voice them was an essential part of their toolkit. It was as important as learning to hide when one was tired, when one was frustrated, all of those emotions that could prove to be a burden to the person one was caring for. ]
I don't want to ask anything of you. I want you to be able to decide what you want for yourself... If I seem different than them, it's because I am. I can't view the world in the same terms.
[ He considers asking if the Ultimate Nurse truly cared for others, or if they merely wanted to be depended on. Did they nurture them so that they might return the world better than before, or did they just slap on bandages and force them to endure treatments? If it was the latter, then such a person was worse than trash and should be disposed of as such. Even the so-called worthless majority had professionals that could understand their purpose in the field.
Even so, that might be a little too complicated, and so he refrains. It was best to focus on himself now. ]
Do you know why I decided to enter this field? It's because I what to see people live... I want to see how far they could go, if only they can be cured of their afflictions... People are like stars, you know. Each one has their own shine. My job isn't just to heal my patients, it's to help them shine brighter than before. If I can't, then I've failed them.
[ It's an explanation he's given before. Humans were like those stars that lit up the night sky. Komaeda, he thinks, probably saw Ultimates as the brightest ones of all, but Hiyori can't think of the world in such a shallow manner. There were bright and dim shines, and there were ones that dulled and ones that grew into something truly radiant. He shifts his position, sitting more to one side so he can reach out to reach out with just his index finger, letting it rest over Komaeda's heart just briefly. ]
You have a beautiful shine, Komaeda-kun. How could I possibly hate that?
[ How could he not want to see how brilliant that shine could be if only somebody were to nurture it? ]
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IT'S SO CURSED but he doesn't he just gets smth sweet n salty like orange chicken
[ Komaeda's reaction isn't surprising, and he watches on with his usual patient look. It's more tired now, the exhaustion already creeping back in, but it's easier to bite down his irritation in moments like this. It's not that all Ultimates are bad, but they tend to have an arrogance about them. They lead and shape the world, but the world needed to be able to shape itself. People needed to think for themselves, act for themselves, to truly live instead of wandering through life aimlessly. ]
If you say I'm like a god, then it's my duty to look over those who are beneath me.
[ There were all kinds of gods, of course. There were those who would only offer their blessing in return for sacrifices and offerings. There were lazy and hedonistic gods who contributed little more than fairy tales to the world. Yet, there were also kind and loving gods who acted as patrons to humanity. If Hiyori were a god, he would think of himself as such. A kind diety who looked on and over those beneath him, who have his blessing so that they might flourish. That ability to give freely was what made them gods, after all and he was no different. He could kill and revive patients as he pleased. He could build and break humans at his b whims. He could love freely. ]
Komaeda-kun... I love people you know. I love watching them grow and flourish. Your can't understand, but... Human's can't shine unless they're nurtured. That's why we exist.
[ God helps those who helps themselves, and yet a person only need find the motivation to try for a god to recognize their efforts. There were even stories in which one would simply take pity on a person in despair, gods who fell in love with humans, and all other manner of things... Yes, if he were as a god, then he should fit that narrative quite well, for he loved humanity and saw it's boundless potential; yet, he could not cast away the part of himself that was still so tethered to it.
He sighs, they longstanding sigh, working a little more at his tea. It's not as sweet as he might make it, but it fills him with warmth and brings a smile to his face all the same, because it was made by the one that he loves most. ]
... I have some aspirin if you'd like, for your headache. And for your concerns of me... Hmm, how about this? If you can give me an adequate answer to this question, then I'll accept that you're correct on this point...
[ He reaches over and takes the bottle off the nightstand, offering it to Komaeda. ]
... Who has helped you to shine brightly, Komaeda-kun? Who put forth that effort, who has loved you as I have, which you so discarded to be reduced to a mere stepping stone? Tell me, and I'll admit to being wrong.
[ But no one ever has, now have they? ]
(deleted comment)
so it's settled, they'll get the fanciest and most expensive chinese take out in town
[ Throughout it all, Hiyori truly is a doctor first and foremost. He stands up, moving to take Komaeda's hand. He's not a particularly muscular man, but he has the toned fit of a person who's used to working with a personal trainer - the sort who works out for their own fitness rather than any desire for gains. He needed to start fitting that into his schedule again. Yet, for now, he takes one hand in each of his own, drawing them apart with that patient smile plastered on his face.
It's just like always. He always done this. It's fine. This isn't how he'd wanted it to go, though, and he should have expected that it would be such as a disaster. His grip tightens, waiting for the inevitable tantrum and the inevitable damage that would be done to his body. It was fine, it was fine, it was just fine because no matter what - ]
It's fine, Komaeda-kun... See? I'm here with you, and I love you, even if no one else does... See? I'm holding your hands right now.
[ He could beg Komaeda not to undo his hard work. He could order him not to, but Hiyori makes no such efforts, because it would mean nothing. Even so, he's tired, and he's frustrated, and this day has been too much, and it's there in the quiver of his voice and his shaking hands; he's beyond his limits, he's falling apart, because in the end Hiyori is not a god but a lowly human. Even so, he laughs softly, as though nothing were wrong, as though moisture wasn't accumulating in his eyes. As though he weren't tired, as though he weren't well past what any person could handle.
He won't ask, not for anything, and so he keeps that gentle and patient smile plastered on his face. But his grip is too tight, and his smile too wide, and he wants nothing more than to crawl back into his bed and not get back up. There's so much to do, though, always to much to do. Once he fixed his body, once he erased his humanity, it wouldn't be a problem. But such blissful days were ever ahead of him, and for now, he has to be aware of the shameful tears dripping down his cheeks because it's all too much. ]
Let's fix you up, hm...? Then we can talk more... Ahaha, I'm apologize, I'm a shameful doctor, aren't I?
[ In the office or otherwise, it was truly shameful for a doctor to be caught having such an emotional reaction in front of his patient. He stems his emotions, taking a breath, fixing his smile. It's not too much; he's fine. Hiyori is always fine, because he's Sou Hiyori. He was once the Ultimate Surgeon, but such things were irrelevant, for he was above even the other Ultimates. He was as a god, and yet, he hadn't yet managed to transcend. Ah, and he still hadn't answered that question that was asked of him, had he?
No, it was fine. It was fine, even if his work was torn up over and over, he could always fix it. That, too, was his duty. That, too, was love. ]
I don't need to use you, Komaeda-kun, because I know you'd shine brilliantly if only if only somebody were to care for you. I love you, so I want to see the bright star that you'll form in my night sky. Now then...
[ His head is cloudy, and he repeats himself, seeming to forget that he's said it once before, ]
Let's fix you up, Komaeda-kun... I'm sure you don't want to go back to my office at this hour, hm? Ah, I'm on call, but... Oh, have you had a solid meal yet? If not, we should fix that while we're at it...
[ It's, fine, and it's fine because he can't show weakness in front of this patient. It's fine because if he's weak and insecure, if he seems as though he might bend and break, it'll only encourage this. So he keeps his smile and voice as steady as he can, and he stems the tear, and by the end he's the patient and loving doctor that he needs to be once more. He's already running through what would be best for caring for him tonight. Belatedly, he thinks that it might not hurt to get a proper meal himself as well. ]
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it's fine he had coffee and a 15 minute nap, what more could he possibly need
[ It's not like him to lose is composure like this, and it's no doubt the result of his running on fumes. Hiyori is still young himself, and he supposes he has more to learn about maintaining his composure when faced with these sorts of physical impediments and automatic responses. It's his own emotional state that allows him to be pulled closer to Komaeda, that freezes him in place once more as he feels the warmth of the man's tongue trailing along his cheek. He shivers, closing one eye, forcing his trembling hands to stop moving.
His grip loosens as he becomes aware of how tightly he'd been hanging on, and that he was in the process of doing more harm than good. He doesn't need to be tired, he doesn't need to be irritable, although he can't help but be both now. Hiyori pushes both down, distracted now by the soft kisses. he wills his breath to steady, for his mind to come properly back into focus, but the combination of his his mouth and warm breath and that pleading voice is as intoxicating as it ever has been.
He releases his grip on one side so he can bring it up to wipe the other side of his face, surprised to feel the amount of moisture that had accumulated from the frustrated tears that had slipped out. He's stemmed them now, and he wipes his hand off on the side of his shirt before lifting it back up to cup Komaeda's cheek. He really does have a lovely face - pretty features, pale skin, empty eyes that are completely devoid of all hope.
He needs to put on the mask of a doctor taking care of his patient now, and one who has no needs. But ah, they're so close once more, and how unfair is it that Hiyori can only ever be given little tastes of him. How unfair, when all he wants to do is take all of him. He rubs Komaeda's cheek with his thumb. ]
I need to fix your stitches. It's going to be a problem if I don't take care of it right away.
[ Hiyori murmurs those words, sensible and rational, before he leans in to close the gap between them and capture Komaeda's lips with his own once more. ]
[ Hiyori acquiesces readily when prompted, parting his lips slightly in order to deepen the kiss. He lets his hand wander from cheek, running through his hair and gripping it to pull him closer. It's not the first time that they've been so close, but each and every time it happens it becomes harder to pull himself away. No matter how many times they kiss, no matter how many times he's able to touch him, he only wants to do so more. It's never enough. He wants to feel all of him - to truly have all of him - though such a thing is impossible.
He might have pulled away if not for the hand clutching his shirt, if not for those three words - I love you. He wants to hear them over and over again, every day and every night. There's that faint little tug again in the back of his mind, like an itch on the back of his neck, whispering for him to be cautious, but its too quiet and too easily drowned out by the pounding of his heart in his cloudy head. He'll pull away. He has to, because he always does.
But he releases Komaeda's other hand first, hand touching his waist. ]
I love you too, Komaeda-kun...
[ His hand starts to wrap around that fragile back of his, inching around it even as he leans in to let his parted lips meet Komaeda's once more in search of something deeper, more intense. He does all of this, and he might have reached around to the bump hidden behind it, if not for the sudden vibration in his pocket that causes his hand to twitch away. It's only vibrates once, indicating that it was nothing urgent enough to stop what he's doing, just enough for habit to guide his hand back down to his pocket.
What terrible timing... ]
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I KIND OF AM TOO, THAT'S KIND OF ROUGH, I THINK IT'S BC KOMAEDA RIGGED THE DICE
[ Komaeda pulls him closer, and he pauses. There's a moment, just a span of a few seconds, in which the alarm bells go off clearly in his mind. It's a few seconds too late though, and the knife pierces his back quickly and brutally. It sinks in all the way to the handle with a sickening sound. But surely that won't be heard over piercing scream that escapes Hiyori. The beeper that he'd just taken out of his pocket falls to the floor with a loud clatter as he jerks forward, knocking into and pushing at the boy before him in the process.
Hiyori has a higher pain tolerance than a normal person. It was a part of working with difficult patients, and it was apart of working with ASUNARO. He's been injured on the job several times, and there are scars hidden beneath the clothes that he wears. It's part of why he's determined to replace his human body, having found that the damage would eventually lead to his life ending early. Yet even compared to that, this pain is excruciating. It's a pain that immediately causes tears to stain his face. It's an agony that only grows only unbearable with every little twitch and spasm drawing another sharp cry and gasp from him.
Somewhere in the mess of fractured instinctive reactions and pounding thoughts that scream for him to lash out and to flee and to act and that reminds him how terrified he is of death, for a moment the thought that he should have known better manages to creep through.
But only for a moment. ]
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HE NEEDS SO MUCH HELP??? HE'S HAVING A BAD TIME RN
[ It's amazing what the human mind latches onto in these situations. He's a heap on the ground, palms slammed against the carpet and watching his own blood drip down his arm. It's everywhere. He can see it sliding down his arm, down his wrist, pooling under his calm. He hears the beeper buzz again, sees Komaeda walking toward it, reaches out instinctively before it's kicked away from him, and just that small movement is enough to draw another sharp cry from him.
Maybe if he didn't work so much, he says, as if Hiyori wouldn't work harder if he survived this. He's trying to assess the damage done to him. It was clever, he'll give Komaeda that; if he hadn't picked such an inconvenient spot, he would have been able to work on himself. He wouldn't be able to do much, of course - with a wound this deep, he would need to undergo surgery in order to repair the damage, but he could at least minimize the blood loss in the interim. Here and now, the most he can do is try to decide whether it's better to try and pull the blade out, and whether or not to start with that.
He reaches into his pocket first, before his fingers are too filthy, feeling around. He hits the side button of his phone, feels the faint vibration as it unlocks. How much blood was he losing? How long would it before he passes out? Would anyone hear him? Of course not. The apartment next to him was empty. The apartment on the other side's resident was just like him - they were never home. So he doesn't waste this time on such idle thoughts.
So, what is he thinking...? Hiyori keeps himself stabilized using one hand, but the one that comes out of his pocket reaches back to try and grip the handle of the knife - ah, it really is an inconvenient spot. ]
Praline-chan... C-call... Call Namida...
[ He chokes out the words through gasping breaths, each one sending a fresh wave of agony through him, fingertips finding the handle now. Call an emergency line? No, this was a far safer option. A sickly sweet voice answers, muffled by the fabric:
"Okay, Hiyori-kun! Calling Namida Michiru!"
It's not the voice of any default phone application. It's too human, too personalized. It was intended to be a companion app for Maple, though he was still finalizing several of the features on it. The two of them could communicate, but it was minimal - it needed to be secure enough that there wouldn't be any interference. ]
... A-and Maple-chan...
[ "Okay, Hiyori-kun."
The second response comes softer, offering no elaboration. It's difficult to say how that order's taken, but he knows the phone is being dialed. Ha... Ha... Wouldn't it be pathetic if he died like this...? ]
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that's true....... it's fine it's fine we'll make it happen
A shudder runs its way down his spine as he feels Komaeda's breath in his ear once more, and the action pulls a gasp out of him. His breaths come out quick and shallow now, heart racing in his chest, and he does start to squirm a little as his earlobe is nipped at. That had always been a sensitive area for him, and he's quickly realizing just how skilled Komaeda is at finding just the right spots and hitting just the right notes. ]
K-Komaeda-kun...
[ Hiyori murmurs his name, whimpering as his waistband is played with. His knees feel as though they might start buckling at any moment, and he chooses to blame that on the ever mounting exhaustion that he feels. It's barely anything at all, and it's already too much, and he doesn't want this to stop here. That warning he had felt is melting away with all other coherent thought, and it takes him a moment to respond. ]
Mmph... [ Had he said want? He had meant need, but there was no taking it back now, and he can't very well refuse. ] If you insist, then... Then I suppose I'll leave it to you... Please excuse me, Komaeda-kun...
[ For being such a poor, shameless host. He struggles with the answer, practically making himself sick in saying it for what a heavy blow to his pride it is. ]
HE'S SO DISGUSTING, I HATE HIM please kill him quickly
When was the last time anyone was able to pull such a reaction out of him? Hiyori can't remember. Perhaps during his teenage years, but even then he can't quite remember.
He manages to calm himself a little, though his head is swimming and he struggles to fish out the right words and reactions for this situation. He swallow as he watches Komaeda lick his lip, inviting him to taste it himself, but that would only lead to him pushing for more... But then, would that really be so bad when he only need to reach out and take it? It would be, of course, because it would be a short term gain at the cost of ending a long term goal.
He reaches out his hand instead, having forced it to steady, and pats Komaeda's head. He strokes his hair for a few seconds, but nothing more. ]
Thank you, Komaeda-kun. [ For his kindness. ] I'm... [ Another small, calming breath. ] Ah, I'm already asking too much of you, so please don't worry about me. I do have an extra room, so you're free to spend the night if you'd like. Help yourself to anything here.
[ He uses the last of his common sense to draw that boundary, knowing that to do anything else would draw issues. It would be enabling the bad behaviors being practiced, and he's grateful that this thought was so deeply ingrained into him. ]
I'll get out of your way now.
[ He forces that gentle smile, apologetic and a little humiliated to have to ask such a thing. But he takes his hand back and turns, padding his way out of the kitchen, thinking that he should have taken a bucket of ice to dump his head in along with him. ]
OKAY BUT IT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE DESERVES I'M JUST SAYING
[ He manages to recover enough of himself to offer those steadfast parting words, ones that leave no room for question. Hiyori would ask for nothing, but would rather wait for it to be given freely. He would take things that others didn't want to give because those were special and precious, like taking precious jewels, but there was no pleasure to be found in endlessly taking and asking of a person who so desired to be used. This was, by comparison, far preferable.
So it is that he offers those parting words as he walks away. It was a choice for him to make - he could stay in the guest room or in the master bedroom. He could sleep on the sofa, or he could simply leave without a word. But it would be by ruling, and not that of an ultimate. If Komaeda would think of it as his duty to care for Ultimates, then Hiyori would think of it as his duty to care for him as much as he did anyone else. All of his efforts to build up and break and then piece back together, all of his need for control and to bend things to his will, those things so often clashed with his desire to see others to think and act by their own will, to uncover the truth and affirm their own resolve.
That's why he can act as a bystander, only nudging the ball in the right direction as he so chooses. He's one who can watch the world as it finds its own path, and even through the fog in his mind and the burning sensation he remembers that goal clearly. It's one that he's carried with him his entire life, after all. Perhaps it was because he could always maintain and regain control that he could desire to see others build themselves up as much as he desired to break them down, or perhaps it was just that those who were broken by him deserved to be such for their inability to sense danger and escape it. That seemed more right, as they served a far greater purpose by his hand than they would have wandering aimlessly through life.
He thinks on it a little more clearly as he enters the master bedroom and makes his way into the bathroom, splashing his face with cold water several times before drying it off. It does little to ease his desire, and by now he's accepted that nothing will awaken him properly, but it does remind him of that singular goal of his. The world would bend and break as he so chose, and it often did, and yet he so often preferred to watch it come to its own starting and stopping points.
He dries his face off and tries to remember what was needed. His head is cloudy, and there's a faint ache from trying so hard to work through his exhaustion. But he manages to remember, retrieving the first aid kit along with a bottle of aspirin. After some thought, he replaces the small first aid kit and instead retrieves a weightier medical kit from beneath the sink. It was one that he had carefully put together himself. No, he just can't enjoy it properly at all when a person simply wishes to give up all that they are and be used without one putting forth any effort...
He sets both down on the nightstand upon walking back in and though he only means to sit down, he quickly finds himself laying on his side, staring at the wall just briefly before his eyelids droop and he finds himself starting to doze. He's always been a terribly light sleeper, awakening at the slightest sound, so perhaps it's fine. ]
he's just begging for attention here, hiyori's neglecting him so he has to
Ah, Komaeda-kun... Sorry, I normally treat my company much better than this...
[ He swings his legs over the edge of the bed, giving a little yawn. He should have kept himself moving, but as always, it had been too tempting. he takes his phone out of his pocket just long enough to double check the time. It hasn't been all that long since he came in here. That was good, and the amount he had gotten should be enough to keep him going until he'd taken everything he needs to.
Really, though, he would have to figure something out for the next time he had company over. If nothing more, there was no reason for a host to be falling asleep on their guests as though they were too boring to stay with, or otherwise that the host was too irresponsible and thoughtless to even bother with ensuring that they were in the right state of mind to have them over.
Hiyori lets out a little sigh, a touch dejected as he thinks on that. Truly, he had wanted to leave a better first impression than this. ]
I didn't sleep well last night, and I suppose it's catching up with me.
[ It's not a lie, but it's not an excuse either. ]
THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S NEVER HOME SO HE DOESN'T DO MUCH GROCERY SHOPPING
[ The loud tones of his phone would always wake him up in the event that he was called upon, but this seems a more acceptable reason than the myriad of tasks that he has left. It's so rare for him to have company, and even rarer now that he's stopped inviting others over. He no longer has interest in dating or bringing home strangers when none of them could compare. There was only one person that he wanted to visit him now, and it was the one sitting next to him.
His face warms as he feels a hand on his face, smile shifting into something softer and more genuine, and he leans into that touch. Despite rubbing his eyes, there's still moisture clinging to his cheeks. He lifts the cup now, savoring the warmth and the pleasant scent that wafts off of it as he holds it with both hands. It truly would have been wasteful to miss out on this tea. It was something that Komaeda had decided to make for him on his own, and that was reason enough for him to stay awake for it. It was a small thing, but every decision that one made was significant. ]
Are you sure? Would you like it if I laid my head in your lap...? I love you, Komaeda-kun, so there's no point if you won't.
[ He's marginally more awake for having allowed his mind a short reprise from its work now, enough to articulate those feelings once more. Hiyori wants to, of course, but a part of love was understanding that such moments needed to be enjoyed by both parties. He doesn't want a doll that he can play with and dress up as he pleases, he wants a person who speaks of his wants and desires.
He takes a couple small sips of the tea now, enjoying the pleasant taste it offers. ]
... Thank you, Komaeda-kun.
PLEASSEEEE can't they just get chinese take out delivered
Well...
[ He closes his eyes briefly, bringing the cup to his lips once more. He takes one hand away from the cup, which he rests in his lap, before reaching over to place it over Komaeda's, fingers curling so he can gently grip it. It truly was a difficult thing to explain. Then, perhaps it might be better to press the issue a little further. He lets his eyes open again, tilting his head side. ]
Your lap is more than soft enough for me, Komaeda-kun... But, I don't understand. Why is it painful? Do you not want to enjoy your time with me?
[ He scoots a little close. He's listening closely and looking more carefully in an effort to signify that he's trying to understand the issue at hand. He knows the answer, but he asks the question regardless. If nothing more, it's important to believe that his feelings are being heard. ]
Tell me, please.
BUT CHINESE FOOD IS SALTY AS HELL SO IT'S PERFECT okay fine he can do it
I don't want to ask anything of you. I want you to be able to decide what you want for yourself... If I seem different than them, it's because I am. I can't view the world in the same terms.
[ He considers asking if the Ultimate Nurse truly cared for others, or if they merely wanted to be depended on. Did they nurture them so that they might return the world better than before, or did they just slap on bandages and force them to endure treatments? If it was the latter, then such a person was worse than trash and should be disposed of as such. Even the so-called worthless majority had professionals that could understand their purpose in the field.
Even so, that might be a little too complicated, and so he refrains. It was best to focus on himself now. ]
Do you know why I decided to enter this field? It's because I what to see people live... I want to see how far they could go, if only they can be cured of their afflictions... People are like stars, you know. Each one has their own shine. My job isn't just to heal my patients, it's to help them shine brighter than before. If I can't, then I've failed them.
[ It's an explanation he's given before. Humans were like those stars that lit up the night sky. Komaeda, he thinks, probably saw Ultimates as the brightest ones of all, but Hiyori can't think of the world in such a shallow manner. There were bright and dim shines, and there were ones that dulled and ones that grew into something truly radiant. He shifts his position, sitting more to one side so he can reach out to reach out with just his index finger, letting it rest over Komaeda's heart just briefly. ]
You have a beautiful shine, Komaeda-kun. How could I possibly hate that?
[ How could he not want to see how brilliant that shine could be if only somebody were to nurture it? ]
IT'S SO CURSED but he doesn't he just gets smth sweet n salty like orange chicken
If you say I'm like a god, then it's my duty to look over those who are beneath me.
[ There were all kinds of gods, of course. There were those who would only offer their blessing in return for sacrifices and offerings. There were lazy and hedonistic gods who contributed little more than fairy tales to the world. Yet, there were also kind and loving gods who acted as patrons to humanity. If Hiyori were a god, he would think of himself as such. A kind diety who looked on and over those beneath him, who have his blessing so that they might flourish. That ability to give freely was what made them gods, after all and he was no different. He could kill and revive patients as he pleased. He could build and break humans at his b whims. He could love freely. ]
Komaeda-kun... I love people you know. I love watching them grow and flourish. Your can't understand, but... Human's can't shine unless they're nurtured. That's why we exist.
[ God helps those who helps themselves, and yet a person only need find the motivation to try for a god to recognize their efforts. There were even stories in which one would simply take pity on a person in despair, gods who fell in love with humans, and all other manner of things... Yes, if he were as a god, then he should fit that narrative quite well, for he loved humanity and saw it's boundless potential; yet, he could not cast away the part of himself that was still so tethered to it.
He sighs, they longstanding sigh, working a little more at his tea. It's not as sweet as he might make it, but it fills him with warmth and brings a smile to his face all the same, because it was made by the one that he loves most. ]
... I have some aspirin if you'd like, for your headache. And for your concerns of me... Hmm, how about this? If you can give me an adequate answer to this question, then I'll accept that you're correct on this point...
[ He reaches over and takes the bottle off the nightstand, offering it to Komaeda. ]
... Who has helped you to shine brightly, Komaeda-kun? Who put forth that effort, who has loved you as I have, which you so discarded to be reduced to a mere stepping stone? Tell me, and I'll admit to being wrong.
[ But no one ever has, now have they? ]
so it's settled, they'll get the fanciest and most expensive chinese take out in town
[ Throughout it all, Hiyori truly is a doctor first and foremost. He stands up, moving to take Komaeda's hand. He's not a particularly muscular man, but he has the toned fit of a person who's used to working with a personal trainer - the sort who works out for their own fitness rather than any desire for gains. He needed to start fitting that into his schedule again. Yet, for now, he takes one hand in each of his own, drawing them apart with that patient smile plastered on his face.
It's just like always. He always done this. It's fine. This isn't how he'd wanted it to go, though, and he should have expected that it would be such as a disaster. His grip tightens, waiting for the inevitable tantrum and the inevitable damage that would be done to his body. It was fine, it was fine, it was just fine because no matter what - ]
It's fine, Komaeda-kun... See? I'm here with you, and I love you, even if no one else does... See? I'm holding your hands right now.
[ He could beg Komaeda not to undo his hard work. He could order him not to, but Hiyori makes no such efforts, because it would mean nothing. Even so, he's tired, and he's frustrated, and this day has been too much, and it's there in the quiver of his voice and his shaking hands; he's beyond his limits, he's falling apart, because in the end Hiyori is not a god but a lowly human. Even so, he laughs softly, as though nothing were wrong, as though moisture wasn't accumulating in his eyes. As though he weren't tired, as though he weren't well past what any person could handle.
He won't ask, not for anything, and so he keeps that gentle and patient smile plastered on his face. But his grip is too tight, and his smile too wide, and he wants nothing more than to crawl back into his bed and not get back up. There's so much to do, though, always to much to do. Once he fixed his body, once he erased his humanity, it wouldn't be a problem. But such blissful days were ever ahead of him, and for now, he has to be aware of the shameful tears dripping down his cheeks because it's all too much. ]
Let's fix you up, hm...? Then we can talk more... Ahaha, I'm apologize, I'm a shameful doctor, aren't I?
[ In the office or otherwise, it was truly shameful for a doctor to be caught having such an emotional reaction in front of his patient. He stems his emotions, taking a breath, fixing his smile. It's not too much; he's fine. Hiyori is always fine, because he's Sou Hiyori. He was once the Ultimate Surgeon, but such things were irrelevant, for he was above even the other Ultimates. He was as a god, and yet, he hadn't yet managed to transcend. Ah, and he still hadn't answered that question that was asked of him, had he?
No, it was fine. It was fine, even if his work was torn up over and over, he could always fix it. That, too, was his duty. That, too, was love. ]
I don't need to use you, Komaeda-kun, because I know you'd shine brilliantly if only if only somebody were to care for you. I love you, so I want to see the bright star that you'll form in my night sky. Now then...
[ His head is cloudy, and he repeats himself, seeming to forget that he's said it once before, ]
Let's fix you up, Komaeda-kun... I'm sure you don't want to go back to my office at this hour, hm? Ah, I'm on call, but... Oh, have you had a solid meal yet? If not, we should fix that while we're at it...
[ It's, fine, and it's fine because he can't show weakness in front of this patient. It's fine because if he's weak and insecure, if he seems as though he might bend and break, it'll only encourage this. So he keeps his smile and voice as steady as he can, and he stems the tear, and by the end he's the patient and loving doctor that he needs to be once more. He's already running through what would be best for caring for him tonight. Belatedly, he thinks that it might not hurt to get a proper meal himself as well. ]
it's fine he had coffee and a 15 minute nap, what more could he possibly need
His grip loosens as he becomes aware of how tightly he'd been hanging on, and that he was in the process of doing more harm than good. He doesn't need to be tired, he doesn't need to be irritable, although he can't help but be both now. Hiyori pushes both down, distracted now by the soft kisses. he wills his breath to steady, for his mind to come properly back into focus, but the combination of his his mouth and warm breath and that pleading voice is as intoxicating as it ever has been.
He releases his grip on one side so he can bring it up to wipe the other side of his face, surprised to feel the amount of moisture that had accumulated from the frustrated tears that had slipped out. He's stemmed them now, and he wipes his hand off on the side of his shirt before lifting it back up to cup Komaeda's cheek. He really does have a lovely face - pretty features, pale skin, empty eyes that are completely devoid of all hope.
He needs to put on the mask of a doctor taking care of his patient now, and one who has no needs. But ah, they're so close once more, and how unfair is it that Hiyori can only ever be given little tastes of him. How unfair, when all he wants to do is take all of him. He rubs Komaeda's cheek with his thumb. ]
I need to fix your stitches. It's going to be a problem if I don't take care of it right away.
[ Hiyori murmurs those words, sensible and rational, before he leans in to close the gap between them and capture Komaeda's lips with his own once more. ]
IT'S FINE I'M SURE HE'LL GET PLENTY OF BOTH SOON
He might have pulled away if not for the hand clutching his shirt, if not for those three words - I love you. He wants to hear them over and over again, every day and every night. There's that faint little tug again in the back of his mind, like an itch on the back of his neck, whispering for him to be cautious, but its too quiet and too easily drowned out by the pounding of his heart in his cloudy head. He'll pull away. He has to, because he always does.
But he releases Komaeda's other hand first, hand touching his waist. ]
I love you too, Komaeda-kun...
[ His hand starts to wrap around that fragile back of his, inching around it even as he leans in to let his parted lips meet Komaeda's once more in search of something deeper, more intense. He does all of this, and he might have reached around to the bump hidden behind it, if not for the sudden vibration in his pocket that causes his hand to twitch away. It's only vibrates once, indicating that it was nothing urgent enough to stop what he's doing, just enough for habit to guide his hand back down to his pocket.
What terrible timing... ]
I KIND OF AM TOO, THAT'S KIND OF ROUGH, I THINK IT'S BC KOMAEDA RIGGED THE DICE
Hiyori has a higher pain tolerance than a normal person. It was a part of working with difficult patients, and it was apart of working with ASUNARO. He's been injured on the job several times, and there are scars hidden beneath the clothes that he wears. It's part of why he's determined to replace his human body, having found that the damage would eventually lead to his life ending early. Yet even compared to that, this pain is excruciating. It's a pain that immediately causes tears to stain his face. It's an agony that only grows only unbearable with every little twitch and spasm drawing another sharp cry and gasp from him.
Somewhere in the mess of fractured instinctive reactions and pounding thoughts that scream for him to lash out and to flee and to act and that reminds him how terrified he is of death, for a moment the thought that he should have known better manages to creep through.
But only for a moment. ]
HE NEEDS SO MUCH HELP??? HE'S HAVING A BAD TIME RN
Maybe if he didn't work so much, he says, as if Hiyori wouldn't work harder if he survived this. He's trying to assess the damage done to him. It was clever, he'll give Komaeda that; if he hadn't picked such an inconvenient spot, he would have been able to work on himself. He wouldn't be able to do much, of course - with a wound this deep, he would need to undergo surgery in order to repair the damage, but he could at least minimize the blood loss in the interim. Here and now, the most he can do is try to decide whether it's better to try and pull the blade out, and whether or not to start with that.
He reaches into his pocket first, before his fingers are too filthy, feeling around. He hits the side button of his phone, feels the faint vibration as it unlocks. How much blood was he losing? How long would it before he passes out? Would anyone hear him? Of course not. The apartment next to him was empty. The apartment on the other side's resident was just like him - they were never home. So he doesn't waste this time on such idle thoughts.
So, what is he thinking...? Hiyori keeps himself stabilized using one hand, but the one that comes out of his pocket reaches back to try and grip the handle of the knife - ah, it really is an inconvenient spot. ]
Praline-chan... C-call... Call Namida...
[ He chokes out the words through gasping breaths, each one sending a fresh wave of agony through him, fingertips finding the handle now. Call an emergency line? No, this was a far safer option. A sickly sweet voice answers, muffled by the fabric:
"Okay, Hiyori-kun! Calling Namida Michiru!"
It's not the voice of any default phone application. It's too human, too personalized. It was intended to be a companion app for Maple, though he was still finalizing several of the features on it. The two of them could communicate, but it was minimal - it needed to be secure enough that there wouldn't be any interference. ]
... A-and Maple-chan...
[ "Okay, Hiyori-kun."
The second response comes softer, offering no elaboration. It's difficult to say how that order's taken, but he knows the phone is being dialed. Ha... Ha... Wouldn't it be pathetic if he died like this...? ]
i mean they did but somebody had to take responsibility for him??? his hands were tied
he'd better, i trust him to make sure that his husband only gets the best care
ohhh komaeda honey... gold heart for your efforts...
it's a really scribbly gold heart but it's there kind of
he'll thank him for giving him the motivation he needs to go full scorched earth it's true
just pump him full of blood and drugs and ivs he'll be fine
it's so insane but you know what sometimes u just gotta get forced to take a vacation
his vacation is just going to be sleeping on the couch but that's okay that's what he needs
he really did... are we sure that komaeda's actual goal here wasn't just to force him to use his pto
he's taken like one day off so probably a lot
he's going to have soooooo much work to do when he gets back i'm crying
he's great at both his jobs, that's why they keep him around, and also his patients love him
NOOO HE'S NOT LOSING ANY PATIENTS... PERMANENTLY...