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( inactive ) your turn to die: sou hiyori
hey... can you hear me?
hey... can you hear me?
[ here have pre-game midori to go with that
Sou Hiyori was a mysterious person. He was a man who seemed to excel in every field, who knew and was loved by everyone, and yet nonetheless one who no one truly knew anything about. They knew of his talents, his personality, the kindness he would show them and all the things that he had done for them and those around them, but nothing more. He was a person who shaped the world around him everywhere that he went. But of all of that, and for all the rumors and claims of his prestige, any time he was questioned, he only laughed that gentle laugh of his, and dismissed himself as a person of no real consequence. If he had any talent, then it should only be his duty to share it with the world.
Thus, the only thing that anyone could say for sure was that Hiyori was a once-in-a-generation genius who had determined to use his intellect and skills to advance the medical field and provide care for others, and that he worked for a prestigious company. Everything else was merely their own experiences and thoughts on him recorded for others. Their interpretations were what shaped him, and it was those people he touched that created the identity for "Sou Hiyori."
Perhaps it was because of his area of expertise that he was able to maintain such an air of patience with Komaeda. He had worked with adults and children alike to help solve their issues, after all. Hiyori approached him with the same countenance that he did everyone else - warm, kind, and undeniably genuine. He wasn't one to offer much in the way of rebuttals, finding that trying to force a person to change through aggression was rarely effective, but instead met him where he was in each conversation.
He loves Komaeda's views. He loves how broken this child is. He loves every inch of his broken, near-death body. He loves every disorder, every mental health problem, every disparaging remark. He loves how self-destructive Komaeda is, and there's a bubblign warmth when he thinks of how he'll one day lead himself to ruin without ever experiencing true happiness. A wonderful, cute, lovely person, far too perfect to exist. Ahhh... How delightfully lucky Hiyori had been to meet him.
That's why the smile that he looks over Komaeda's latest injury is warm and genuine, though his eyes wrinkle with concern. He shakes his head with a little sigh and a soft laugh. He really was prone to injuries. He insists on taking care of him now, just as he always had and always would (because what doctor wouldn't?) ]
Ah, Komaeda-kun... What am I going to do with you? You keep undoing all of my hard work... Why, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were doing it on purpose!
[ Hiyori keeps his tone gentle and light, though there's an undertone of worry to it. It's the tone of a concerned parent picking their child up out of the mud. He doesn't hang on that point, though - he doubts it would be effective on a person who values their own life so little. So, he opts to instead tease him a little more, ]
Hm... You do know you don't need an excuse to come see me, right? Though I'm flattered that you enjoy my company so much.
Sou Hiyori was a mysterious person. He was a man who seemed to excel in every field, who knew and was loved by everyone, and yet nonetheless one who no one truly knew anything about. They knew of his talents, his personality, the kindness he would show them and all the things that he had done for them and those around them, but nothing more. He was a person who shaped the world around him everywhere that he went. But of all of that, and for all the rumors and claims of his prestige, any time he was questioned, he only laughed that gentle laugh of his, and dismissed himself as a person of no real consequence. If he had any talent, then it should only be his duty to share it with the world.
Thus, the only thing that anyone could say for sure was that Hiyori was a once-in-a-generation genius who had determined to use his intellect and skills to advance the medical field and provide care for others, and that he worked for a prestigious company. Everything else was merely their own experiences and thoughts on him recorded for others. Their interpretations were what shaped him, and it was those people he touched that created the identity for "Sou Hiyori."
Perhaps it was because of his area of expertise that he was able to maintain such an air of patience with Komaeda. He had worked with adults and children alike to help solve their issues, after all. Hiyori approached him with the same countenance that he did everyone else - warm, kind, and undeniably genuine. He wasn't one to offer much in the way of rebuttals, finding that trying to force a person to change through aggression was rarely effective, but instead met him where he was in each conversation.
He loves Komaeda's views. He loves how broken this child is. He loves every inch of his broken, near-death body. He loves every disorder, every mental health problem, every disparaging remark. He loves how self-destructive Komaeda is, and there's a bubblign warmth when he thinks of how he'll one day lead himself to ruin without ever experiencing true happiness. A wonderful, cute, lovely person, far too perfect to exist. Ahhh... How delightfully lucky Hiyori had been to meet him.
That's why the smile that he looks over Komaeda's latest injury is warm and genuine, though his eyes wrinkle with concern. He shakes his head with a little sigh and a soft laugh. He really was prone to injuries. He insists on taking care of him now, just as he always had and always would (because what doctor wouldn't?) ]
Ah, Komaeda-kun... What am I going to do with you? You keep undoing all of my hard work... Why, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were doing it on purpose!
[ Hiyori keeps his tone gentle and light, though there's an undertone of worry to it. It's the tone of a concerned parent picking their child up out of the mud. He doesn't hang on that point, though - he doubts it would be effective on a person who values their own life so little. So, he opts to instead tease him a little more, ]
Hm... You do know you don't need an excuse to come see me, right? Though I'm flattered that you enjoy my company so much.
[ Hiyori only smiles as he works, as patient as he ever was. Komaeda was a difficult patient to work with. He's set up an IV with his patient's good arm by now, finding that it would be a problem if he bled out before he could be fixed when his being conscious was already a small miracle. He wonders if it wouldn't be worthwhile to recommend him as a case study. He was so fortunate, so durable, despite the myriad of afflictions. He would either die for hope as he so wanted, used for experimental treatments for his conditions, or he would endure living a much longer life should they so succeed. Hiyori is certain that either outcome would be befitting of such an unfortunate child.
There's a shadow of disappointment as Komaeda reaches a conclusion, and he supposes that the child must be having a bad day. But he covers it up quickly with a sheepish laugh and nods in agreement. It wasn't true at all, but with dementia patients, it was useless to argue with them. Instead, one had to redirect them. So, he tries to meet him where he is. ]
Yes, I suppose you're right. I came here to see Komaeda-kun, who is always on the side of hope. Won't you talk with me for a little while?
[ That expression on Komaeda's face is pure bliss. How happy he cold be, if only not for the stopper he put in his own path. How different he could be, if only somebody had love him. He reaches out to take that injured arm and to start cleaning the wound. He shouldn't encourage this behavior, but he suspects that any direct efforts to deter him from it will be more encouraging than encouragement itself might be.
So, he goes on as he has before. This conversation is familiar to him by now. He's watching carefully, though, for any signs that he might take that as an invitation to do any further harm. That would be unfortunate, but perhaps this conversation would be enough to distract him. He was so passionate about these things. ]
I want to know how Komaeda-kun manages to inspire such hope in others. Won't you tell me?
There's a shadow of disappointment as Komaeda reaches a conclusion, and he supposes that the child must be having a bad day. But he covers it up quickly with a sheepish laugh and nods in agreement. It wasn't true at all, but with dementia patients, it was useless to argue with them. Instead, one had to redirect them. So, he tries to meet him where he is. ]
Yes, I suppose you're right. I came here to see Komaeda-kun, who is always on the side of hope. Won't you talk with me for a little while?
[ That expression on Komaeda's face is pure bliss. How happy he cold be, if only not for the stopper he put in his own path. How different he could be, if only somebody had love him. He reaches out to take that injured arm and to start cleaning the wound. He shouldn't encourage this behavior, but he suspects that any direct efforts to deter him from it will be more encouraging than encouragement itself might be.
So, he goes on as he has before. This conversation is familiar to him by now. He's watching carefully, though, for any signs that he might take that as an invitation to do any further harm. That would be unfortunate, but perhaps this conversation would be enough to distract him. He was so passionate about these things. ]
I want to know how Komaeda-kun manages to inspire such hope in others. Won't you tell me?
[ Ah, so he had remembered. Hiyori gives that sheepish smile again, shoulders lifting slightly. It's the look of a child who had been caught sticking their hand in the cookie jar, but there's something else to the way that he tilts his head and looks at him - could Komaeda truly blame him for wanting to hear such inspiring words over and over again? It's like a favorite story. Komaeda's favorite story is hope, and so so that becomes Hiyori's favorite story each and every time that they speak. ]
Ahaha, please do forgive me, but I learn something new from you each time.
[ That much, at least, isn't a lie, and he's grateful to be forgiven so easily. He continues his work. Hiyori takes care not to not do more harm than needed. He nods when appropriate as Komaeda tells the story, glancing up with a disapproving frown at the mention of Hinata and shaking his head with an irritated click of the tongue and a murmured "unbelievable," when asked the initial question. He litters in these little signs to show that he's listening and invested even as he switches to applying a salve - a development made possible by his offers, which would expedite the healing process.
But compared to Hiyori and those he worked with, even the talented he spoke of were nothing more than stepping stones. Those at the school he admired were too dense to even recognize the climate that they fostered. They birthed situations like this. That was fine, though; Hiyori neither aligns with hope nor despair, but whichever suits him at any given time. He's nearly finished when his hand is taken, and he raises his eyes. His gaze is warm and affectionate, admiring and just a little bit envious.
Perhaps he should kill those people who keep making Komaeda hurt himself so. Perhaps he should kill every single one of them, who are too cowardly to take their own lives, so that his patient no longer has anything to inspire. ]
... Yes. I've never seen such an admirable, pure love for anyone.
[ He pauses for a moment, seeming to consider something carefully, and then: ]
Can I tell you a secret, Komaeda-kun? You have to promise not to tell anyone, though.
Ahaha, please do forgive me, but I learn something new from you each time.
[ That much, at least, isn't a lie, and he's grateful to be forgiven so easily. He continues his work. Hiyori takes care not to not do more harm than needed. He nods when appropriate as Komaeda tells the story, glancing up with a disapproving frown at the mention of Hinata and shaking his head with an irritated click of the tongue and a murmured "unbelievable," when asked the initial question. He litters in these little signs to show that he's listening and invested even as he switches to applying a salve - a development made possible by his offers, which would expedite the healing process.
But compared to Hiyori and those he worked with, even the talented he spoke of were nothing more than stepping stones. Those at the school he admired were too dense to even recognize the climate that they fostered. They birthed situations like this. That was fine, though; Hiyori neither aligns with hope nor despair, but whichever suits him at any given time. He's nearly finished when his hand is taken, and he raises his eyes. His gaze is warm and affectionate, admiring and just a little bit envious.
Perhaps he should kill those people who keep making Komaeda hurt himself so. Perhaps he should kill every single one of them, who are too cowardly to take their own lives, so that his patient no longer has anything to inspire. ]
... Yes. I've never seen such an admirable, pure love for anyone.
[ He pauses for a moment, seeming to consider something carefully, and then: ]
Can I tell you a secret, Komaeda-kun? You have to promise not to tell anyone, though.
Edited 2021-11-12 21:42 (UTC)
Of course not.
[ His voice is gentle, but the smile drops for the first time in the conversation. He lets out a little sigh, and and there's another moment of deliberation. It takes a little too long, and he can feel the resolve in that injury. Hiyori briefly considers pulling his hand away to start working on the stitches, but this delicate work was better when the patient was cooperative. He supposes Komaeda will repeat it if he remembers.
Will he, or won't he? It should lead to entertaining results either way. ]
You see, I attended the same school as you do now when I was younger... Ah, you won't believe me, and perhaps they have scrubbed the records, but I still have the proof of my days spent there.
[ It's not a lie, and there's nothing in his gaze or voice that suggest it to be so. But then, what about him did? He was barely older than Komaeda. Hiyori was a man who couldn't have been older than his mid 20s, but already had more skill and success than most in his field would in a lifetime. It was in the way that Hiyori carried himself, in the way that the world bent to him, though
There's a soft laugh. Hiyori doesn't doubt that he'll provoke a reaction with such a statement. He hadn't mentioned it since those days. It was only his company that still knew of him as the byproduct off that toothless, cowardly, blind school. His talents had only been so wasted there. He doesn't offer that as an explanation for his disassociation, though, instead simply offering: ]
Ah, but please don't tell anyone. You see, they no longer want me using their name.
[ There's a gentle chuckle, and there's a glimmer in his eyes. Whatever had happened, he certainly seems to have no regrets about it. Why would he, though, when he'd surpassed what they had offered him? Why would he, when he had such a cute patient before him? ]
We had a small disagreement, you see.
[ His voice is gentle, but the smile drops for the first time in the conversation. He lets out a little sigh, and and there's another moment of deliberation. It takes a little too long, and he can feel the resolve in that injury. Hiyori briefly considers pulling his hand away to start working on the stitches, but this delicate work was better when the patient was cooperative. He supposes Komaeda will repeat it if he remembers.
Will he, or won't he? It should lead to entertaining results either way. ]
You see, I attended the same school as you do now when I was younger... Ah, you won't believe me, and perhaps they have scrubbed the records, but I still have the proof of my days spent there.
[ It's not a lie, and there's nothing in his gaze or voice that suggest it to be so. But then, what about him did? He was barely older than Komaeda. Hiyori was a man who couldn't have been older than his mid 20s, but already had more skill and success than most in his field would in a lifetime. It was in the way that Hiyori carried himself, in the way that the world bent to him, though
There's a soft laugh. Hiyori doesn't doubt that he'll provoke a reaction with such a statement. He hadn't mentioned it since those days. It was only his company that still knew of him as the byproduct off that toothless, cowardly, blind school. His talents had only been so wasted there. He doesn't offer that as an explanation for his disassociation, though, instead simply offering: ]
Ah, but please don't tell anyone. You see, they no longer want me using their name.
[ There's a gentle chuckle, and there's a glimmer in his eyes. Whatever had happened, he certainly seems to have no regrets about it. Why would he, though, when he'd surpassed what they had offered him? Why would he, when he had such a cute patient before him? ]
We had a small disagreement, you see.
[ It's no lie. Sou Hiyori had been among the most talented of all of them. That was why such a paltry place could never satisfy him. Yet, it had brought him two of his most treasured companions. They had become a part of a system that would change the world.
But he had no hope, and he had no despair. Sometimes Hiyori existed to guide the world, sometimes he existed to destroy it, and sometimes he would simply watch as it spun. Sometimes he would throw a wrench into the system's cogs and watched to see what would happen. That was who he was, and for that alone Hiyori makes no apologies. But he remembers those days fondly, and he remembers the bloody end that acted as a period even moreso.
Why, who knows what would have happened if his current employer wasn't so sharp, or if that school wasn't such a cesspit? ]
You shouldn't, Komaeda-kun. I was a poor fit for that school, you understand, though they accepted me readily. I'm sure they've corrected that mistake by now.
[ He does pull back now, allowing Komaeda to have his arm back, the smile a permanent fixture on his face. He had been talented for his talent. He had been scouted for the fact that compared to all others, his parents were among the most terrifying, with connections to every singular group. He was scouted because above all else, he should have had one of the greatest talents to offer the world.
Yes, he remembers that fondly. Hiyori thinks they haven't changed at all. ]
I was merely there to break their complacency. It's important to make a small mistake every once in awhile. You need a shock to the system every once in awhile to ensure that you stay vigilant.
[ Hiyori lets out a small sigh, shaking his head with a sheepish smile that says that he expects no understanding. ]
Ah, but I've been so blessed as to be able to support two of my former classmates here. I believe you'll know their names - Harai Emiri and Namida Michiru. They shine brilliantly now.
[ He shrugs now. His tone is level, but it's a switch from his normal soft-spoken and patient demeanor - he's firm on this, unwavering. ]
Well... You may judge me if you wish. But promise me that you won't grow complacent, Komaeda-kun?
[ If he does, somebody worse than Hiyori will slip in the cracks. That's why Hiyori's willing to share this little secret. ]
But he had no hope, and he had no despair. Sometimes Hiyori existed to guide the world, sometimes he existed to destroy it, and sometimes he would simply watch as it spun. Sometimes he would throw a wrench into the system's cogs and watched to see what would happen. That was who he was, and for that alone Hiyori makes no apologies. But he remembers those days fondly, and he remembers the bloody end that acted as a period even moreso.
Why, who knows what would have happened if his current employer wasn't so sharp, or if that school wasn't such a cesspit? ]
You shouldn't, Komaeda-kun. I was a poor fit for that school, you understand, though they accepted me readily. I'm sure they've corrected that mistake by now.
[ He does pull back now, allowing Komaeda to have his arm back, the smile a permanent fixture on his face. He had been talented for his talent. He had been scouted for the fact that compared to all others, his parents were among the most terrifying, with connections to every singular group. He was scouted because above all else, he should have had one of the greatest talents to offer the world.
Yes, he remembers that fondly. Hiyori thinks they haven't changed at all. ]
I was merely there to break their complacency. It's important to make a small mistake every once in awhile. You need a shock to the system every once in awhile to ensure that you stay vigilant.
[ Hiyori lets out a small sigh, shaking his head with a sheepish smile that says that he expects no understanding. ]
Ah, but I've been so blessed as to be able to support two of my former classmates here. I believe you'll know their names - Harai Emiri and Namida Michiru. They shine brilliantly now.
[ He shrugs now. His tone is level, but it's a switch from his normal soft-spoken and patient demeanor - he's firm on this, unwavering. ]
Well... You may judge me if you wish. But promise me that you won't grow complacent, Komaeda-kun?
[ If he does, somebody worse than Hiyori will slip in the cracks. That's why Hiyori's willing to share this little secret. ]
Edited 2021-11-12 23:50 (UTC)
[ Hiyori instinctively steps forward to intervene, but stops as he looks to the chair placed in front of him. But he frowns, the worry and just the faintest hint of hurt written on his face. He was such an emotional child, but that was to be expected. He'd lived a troubled life, and he had a disease that inflicted brain damage on him. The damage would only worsen with time, and his behavior would only become more erratic. Hiyori follows his faze, shifting slightly, but he doesn't move yet.
It's like dealing with a frightened cat. If one tried to approach them, they would hiss and claw on their way to escape. He holds steady instead, biting his lip. ]
Ah, could it be that I've made you hate me after all, Komaeda-kun? [ He glances down, then back up. ] I suppose don't blame you...
[ That's not it. This was a child who couldn't see his own value to others. He was a person who craved attention more than any other, but it was difficult to accept him when it was freely given. For a person like that, sentiments such as you're not a bother meant nothing at all. They would twist it around in their head, warp it into pity and a consequence of their own failures for forcing anyone to care for them.
He starts there, letting his hand start to lift before he forces it down, instead wringing his hands in front of him to keep him busy. A small gesture that shows his concern without threatening to become anything much. He keeps his eyes on him, though. The boy wouldn't be able to move very quickly in that state, and Hiyori was faster than a normal person might be. ]
... You've misunderstood me, though. Of all my patients, you're is the one that I care for the most, Komaeda-kun. I'm quite particular about who I take, but I wouldn't think of entrusting your care to anyone else.
[ Hiyori doubts those words will do anything but inflame things further, but he plants them there regardless. There's someone who cares for him, there's someone who's afraid of being rejected by him. If he could hang onto that, then it might be useful going forward. But that, too, is honest - he has no need to take any patient, and he only did so when it so suited him. It was easy to do, given his skill level, as he always had a more pressing matter and a more pressing patient that demanded his attention. ]
It's like dealing with a frightened cat. If one tried to approach them, they would hiss and claw on their way to escape. He holds steady instead, biting his lip. ]
Ah, could it be that I've made you hate me after all, Komaeda-kun? [ He glances down, then back up. ] I suppose don't blame you...
[ That's not it. This was a child who couldn't see his own value to others. He was a person who craved attention more than any other, but it was difficult to accept him when it was freely given. For a person like that, sentiments such as you're not a bother meant nothing at all. They would twist it around in their head, warp it into pity and a consequence of their own failures for forcing anyone to care for them.
He starts there, letting his hand start to lift before he forces it down, instead wringing his hands in front of him to keep him busy. A small gesture that shows his concern without threatening to become anything much. He keeps his eyes on him, though. The boy wouldn't be able to move very quickly in that state, and Hiyori was faster than a normal person might be. ]
... You've misunderstood me, though. Of all my patients, you're is the one that I care for the most, Komaeda-kun. I'm quite particular about who I take, but I wouldn't think of entrusting your care to anyone else.
[ Hiyori doubts those words will do anything but inflame things further, but he plants them there regardless. There's someone who cares for him, there's someone who's afraid of being rejected by him. If he could hang onto that, then it might be useful going forward. But that, too, is honest - he has no need to take any patient, and he only did so when it so suited him. It was easy to do, given his skill level, as he always had a more pressing matter and a more pressing patient that demanded his attention. ]
Hm... You're right. I've failed as a doctor.
[ His voice tints with guilt, but the way he glances away makes it clear that it's not his inability to love his patients equally that's weighing on him. That much wasn't possible. If their patient feels this way, if they were taking such extreme measures, then it meant that they had already failed to live up to their duty. But he's glad that it seems to have a better effect than expected. It seems to have at least stopped
But he considers the words for a moment, turning them over in his head slowly. Komaeda could have been so much more, and Midori does feel genuine regret for that. He could have excelled. He might have been able to get help for his disorders sooner. But the talented wer eloved, and the miserable masses were forgotten, and in the end none of it had ever proven Hiyori wrong for his choices and values. ]
Komaeda-kun... [ He keeps his voice soft as he brings his gaze back, eyes fixing on the blood dripping onto the chair for a little too long before he brings them back up to Komaeda's face. ] You and I both know that's not how love works.
[ He could no more choose to care about this person than Komaeda could choose not to care about those talented people who he chased after and admired so.
He decides to push a little further, to try and frame it in words that this patient might understand. ]
If you snuffed out someone's light, don't you think that would just mean that it wasn't strong enough? ... No, I would say that my life would be far dimmer if you were to leave it now.
[ Hiyori would overcome it, of course. That was what it meant to have talent. But there would be no point to it. It would be a pointless heartbreak for the sake of leaving someone lonely. He places a hand on his chest, fingers curling, head inclining as he seems to consider what he's saying here. ]
... But, it's up to you, Komaeda-kun. I don't want you to suffer for my selfishness.
[ There's a kind of quiet resignation to those words. Hiyori won't allow Komaeda to die in front of him any more than he would any other patient here, but he won't force him to stay either. ]
[ His voice tints with guilt, but the way he glances away makes it clear that it's not his inability to love his patients equally that's weighing on him. That much wasn't possible. If their patient feels this way, if they were taking such extreme measures, then it meant that they had already failed to live up to their duty. But he's glad that it seems to have a better effect than expected. It seems to have at least stopped
But he considers the words for a moment, turning them over in his head slowly. Komaeda could have been so much more, and Midori does feel genuine regret for that. He could have excelled. He might have been able to get help for his disorders sooner. But the talented wer eloved, and the miserable masses were forgotten, and in the end none of it had ever proven Hiyori wrong for his choices and values. ]
Komaeda-kun... [ He keeps his voice soft as he brings his gaze back, eyes fixing on the blood dripping onto the chair for a little too long before he brings them back up to Komaeda's face. ] You and I both know that's not how love works.
[ He could no more choose to care about this person than Komaeda could choose not to care about those talented people who he chased after and admired so.
He decides to push a little further, to try and frame it in words that this patient might understand. ]
If you snuffed out someone's light, don't you think that would just mean that it wasn't strong enough? ... No, I would say that my life would be far dimmer if you were to leave it now.
[ Hiyori would overcome it, of course. That was what it meant to have talent. But there would be no point to it. It would be a pointless heartbreak for the sake of leaving someone lonely. He places a hand on his chest, fingers curling, head inclining as he seems to consider what he's saying here. ]
... But, it's up to you, Komaeda-kun. I don't want you to suffer for my selfishness.
[ There's a kind of quiet resignation to those words. Hiyori won't allow Komaeda to die in front of him any more than he would any other patient here, but he won't force him to stay either. ]
You should be more respectful of people's feelings, Komaeda-kun. I believe I know myself well enough. Of course I care about you.
[ His voice remains firm, but not unkind, not all that different than a parent scolding their child for being insensitive. Hiyori folds his arms, staring for several seconds before he slumps all at once. It comes as no surprise, but he doesn't push the matter any further than that. This was a person who played the role of a person who was happy to be alone and to die alone to compensate for his loneliness. It wasn't much different than the role Hiyori played of a kind, loving doctor who had merely gotten too attached to a patient.
It would be dangerous to push it any more than that, and so Hiyori scales it back. ]
You look like you're getting ready to audition for a horror movie. You won't be getting much of anywhere like that. Won't you at least let me finish caring for you? You can get your stitches, you can get cleaned up, and then be on your way.
[ He lets out another sigh, training his face into the neutral and clinical expression of a doctor dealing with a patient who no longer wished to see him. That, too, was part of his job. ]
... Does that seem fair? You must trust me that much, right?
[ His looks on patiently, waiting to see if this compromise will be acceptable. ]
[ His voice remains firm, but not unkind, not all that different than a parent scolding their child for being insensitive. Hiyori folds his arms, staring for several seconds before he slumps all at once. It comes as no surprise, but he doesn't push the matter any further than that. This was a person who played the role of a person who was happy to be alone and to die alone to compensate for his loneliness. It wasn't much different than the role Hiyori played of a kind, loving doctor who had merely gotten too attached to a patient.
It would be dangerous to push it any more than that, and so Hiyori scales it back. ]
You look like you're getting ready to audition for a horror movie. You won't be getting much of anywhere like that. Won't you at least let me finish caring for you? You can get your stitches, you can get cleaned up, and then be on your way.
[ He lets out another sigh, training his face into the neutral and clinical expression of a doctor dealing with a patient who no longer wished to see him. That, too, was part of his job. ]
... Does that seem fair? You must trust me that much, right?
[ His looks on patiently, waiting to see if this compromise will be acceptable. ]
Edited 2021-11-13 03:28 (UTC)
[ Hiyori offers no complaint as Komaeda bloodies his clothes, red botches staining the white lab jacket and pressed white shirt beneath it. Rather, he wraps his arms around Komaeda to pull him closer, one moving around his back while the other comes up to the back of his head. He reaches up a little more and strokes his hair with a strange mix of worry and relief. He shushes him quietly, grateful that he was at least able to get that through to him. The people with thinking solely of their own lack of value was that they sometimes did so at the expense of others. ]
There, there... You don't need to apologize, and I won't forget what you've done for everyone. I promise... So listen to me for a minute, okay?
[ It's not a lie. He thinks again that this would be a good candidate for their trials. They had shown promise. It might extend his life a little, or it might kill him immediately. He supposes if he could convince Komaeda, it might be worth it. Would the other even see the value in that, though? He was so insistent on dying for a lack of anything to keep him tethered to life. So though he'd like to guide him back down, he doesn't immediately. Hiyori instead keeps him still, strokes his hair, heart beating quick in his chest.
For a person like this, there was no better cure than to have someone meet them where they were. There was no better cure than giving them what they craved most of all - all of those things that they'd convinced themselves that they don't need. ]
They say that one man's trash is another man's treasure, don't they? I think the same applies to people. I don't think you're trash, Komaeda-kun, but even if you were...
[ His actions are completely inappropriate for a doctor, but they've already crossed that line. However Komaeda would think of him now, the barrier between doctor and patient had broken down. That, too, was something that Hiyori had always been quite comfortable with. It was how he preferred to work.
So leans forward now to kiss the top of Komaeda's head. ]
... Would it really be so bad to let yourself be treasured by somebody?
There, there... You don't need to apologize, and I won't forget what you've done for everyone. I promise... So listen to me for a minute, okay?
[ It's not a lie. He thinks again that this would be a good candidate for their trials. They had shown promise. It might extend his life a little, or it might kill him immediately. He supposes if he could convince Komaeda, it might be worth it. Would the other even see the value in that, though? He was so insistent on dying for a lack of anything to keep him tethered to life. So though he'd like to guide him back down, he doesn't immediately. Hiyori instead keeps him still, strokes his hair, heart beating quick in his chest.
For a person like this, there was no better cure than to have someone meet them where they were. There was no better cure than giving them what they craved most of all - all of those things that they'd convinced themselves that they don't need. ]
They say that one man's trash is another man's treasure, don't they? I think the same applies to people. I don't think you're trash, Komaeda-kun, but even if you were...
[ His actions are completely inappropriate for a doctor, but they've already crossed that line. However Komaeda would think of him now, the barrier between doctor and patient had broken down. That, too, was something that Hiyori had always been quite comfortable with. It was how he preferred to work.
So leans forward now to kiss the top of Komaeda's head. ]
... Would it really be so bad to let yourself be treasured by somebody?
[ It feels routine at this point. Their meetings are a fun little act that they put on, but only Hiyori is able to remember them later. He changes the details a little each time, hoping that some of his love will stick, but in the end it never seems to. This is the first time he's told this particular secret, though, and he hopes that at least this will stick. He hopes his name will be spoken in those halls once more, though he suspects even this greatest show of affection will be lost to disease.
But it's routine, and so he's learned not to keep writing utensils on his person. It did make things quite difficult, but this patient was too high risk to even keep a pen or a pencil around. He wonders if they were to do this a hundred times, if his love might finally stick. What a pair they were, with Komaeda's unrequited love for so-called Ultimates, and Hiyori's love for this boy who no one could possibly find love for.
Hiyori lets him dig, he lets him cover his mouth, and he lets that go on until he believes it might be enough. Then he reaches up to take that hand with his own, gingerly removing it from his face. ]
You're right. I should do more to try and understand your feelings.
[ He kisses the inside of that cold, frail wrist all the sam ]
There now... I promised I would discharge you once we were done though, didn't I? Once you've composed yourself a little, we can finish up.
[ Hm... Though, if he leaves it there, he might run into objections. Komaeda wasn't the type who cared about himself, but he did others, and so... He slowly lowers Komaeda's hand before releasing it to let that arm, too, now snake around his frail body. ]
Can you endure it a little while longer, Komaeda-kun? For my sake?
But it's routine, and so he's learned not to keep writing utensils on his person. It did make things quite difficult, but this patient was too high risk to even keep a pen or a pencil around. He wonders if they were to do this a hundred times, if his love might finally stick. What a pair they were, with Komaeda's unrequited love for so-called Ultimates, and Hiyori's love for this boy who no one could possibly find love for.
Hiyori lets him dig, he lets him cover his mouth, and he lets that go on until he believes it might be enough. Then he reaches up to take that hand with his own, gingerly removing it from his face. ]
You're right. I should do more to try and understand your feelings.
[ He kisses the inside of that cold, frail wrist all the sam ]
There now... I promised I would discharge you once we were done though, didn't I? Once you've composed yourself a little, we can finish up.
[ Hm... Though, if he leaves it there, he might run into objections. Komaeda wasn't the type who cared about himself, but he did others, and so... He slowly lowers Komaeda's hand before releasing it to let that arm, too, now snake around his frail body. ]
Can you endure it a little while longer, Komaeda-kun? For my sake?
[ It was part of what made Komaeda such a difficult patient. He was erratic and violent, and even Hiyori's aides were remiss to deal with him. That was fine to the doctor, who would only smile and apologize to those who were inconvenienced by it. He was seen as a saint for his excessive patience in these cases, his unshakable emotional resolve which never seemed to wear down despite the constant heartache and threats and occasional injuries. Even those injuries, though, were of little consequence when he was in the process of exchanging so much of his human body.
But he doesn't particularly enjoy being stabbed, and he doesn't particularly enjoy unruly incidents, and so it is that he gives a grateful, relieved smile when Komaeda acquiesces. This was why the others failed to handle him, both the talentless majority and the talented alike. But Hiyori is different, and he brushes Komaeda's hair out of his face with a nod. ]
Of course. I don't mind. They no longer wish to associate themselves with, but my time there was meaningful.
[ It's not a lie, because it had taught him about their world. Hiyori bares no grudge, because such a place wasn't worth wasting his feelings on. He squeezes Komaeda gently before pulling away slightly, keeping one arm around him for support and letting the other take his hand once more as he tries to guide him back to the exam table. ]
In those days, I was known as the Ultimate Surgeon. That's a frightening title, don't you think? I would have preferred something more charming like "doctor" or "healer" to being known for being adept with a knife.
[ He offers a small laugh. But he always had a unique talent for using such tools - a dexterous hand that could perfectly utilize knives and scissors and other things as well. ]
But he doesn't particularly enjoy being stabbed, and he doesn't particularly enjoy unruly incidents, and so it is that he gives a grateful, relieved smile when Komaeda acquiesces. This was why the others failed to handle him, both the talentless majority and the talented alike. But Hiyori is different, and he brushes Komaeda's hair out of his face with a nod. ]
Of course. I don't mind. They no longer wish to associate themselves with, but my time there was meaningful.
[ It's not a lie, because it had taught him about their world. Hiyori bares no grudge, because such a place wasn't worth wasting his feelings on. He squeezes Komaeda gently before pulling away slightly, keeping one arm around him for support and letting the other take his hand once more as he tries to guide him back to the exam table. ]
In those days, I was known as the Ultimate Surgeon. That's a frightening title, don't you think? I would have preferred something more charming like "doctor" or "healer" to being known for being adept with a knife.
[ He offers a small laugh. But he always had a unique talent for using such tools - a dexterous hand that could perfectly utilize knives and scissors and other things as well. ]
Edited 2021-11-13 21:14 (UTC)
[ Hiyori chuckles and shakes his head in a way that suggests that Komaeda need not worry. If something were to happen, he would resolve the issue as he always had. He had planend of every inevitability. That's why he lets his hand be taken closer - soft to the touch, but calloused from years of work that was as difficult as it was delicate. It warms his heart to hear the talent they'd assigned to him called beautiful. Not everyone could appreciate its true beauty, but he believes even if he were to explain the extent of how far it went - all the experiments, the way he forced people to live even when they begged for death, the painful ways that he extended their lives before ending them when their despair finally satisfied him, he's certain that this is a person who could appreciate that.
"Their hope wasn't strong enough." That was a good way of putting it. The world had no use for such a pitiful resolve. He pats Komaeda's head, a small frown pulling at his lips as his eyes move up to the flickering lights. Was it a faulty bulb? They have a generator in the event of a power failure, but he doesn't favor the idea of it being needed. There would be efforts to pull him away to assist with more important work.
He dismisses it as his own paranoia. He always overthought such matters. But he works a little quicker now, starting with replacing the IV. He pauses to pat Komaeda's head. ]
Well then, perhaps you can stop giving me a need to? [ He smiles gently, but it doesn't reach his eyes - the furrowed brow denoting his regret, because he know that he'll be seeing him again shortly after. ] But you're is my precious patient, as all those that I choose to care for are, and so my talents aren't wasted.
[ He hums thoughtfully before tapping his nose with his index finger before he starts the process over again - cleaning the wound again, applying the salve... ]
I'll forgive you if you promise to come and visit me me one day. It has to be because you want to though, okay? I don't want you giving me extra work then. I want to see the Komaeda-kun that others do every day.
[ It's a bit of a derail from his promised explanation about the school, bkut he thinks that it's as good of an opportunity as any to drop the suggestion. ]
"Their hope wasn't strong enough." That was a good way of putting it. The world had no use for such a pitiful resolve. He pats Komaeda's head, a small frown pulling at his lips as his eyes move up to the flickering lights. Was it a faulty bulb? They have a generator in the event of a power failure, but he doesn't favor the idea of it being needed. There would be efforts to pull him away to assist with more important work.
He dismisses it as his own paranoia. He always overthought such matters. But he works a little quicker now, starting with replacing the IV. He pauses to pat Komaeda's head. ]
Well then, perhaps you can stop giving me a need to? [ He smiles gently, but it doesn't reach his eyes - the furrowed brow denoting his regret, because he know that he'll be seeing him again shortly after. ] But you're is my precious patient, as all those that I choose to care for are, and so my talents aren't wasted.
[ He hums thoughtfully before tapping his nose with his index finger before he starts the process over again - cleaning the wound again, applying the salve... ]
I'll forgive you if you promise to come and visit me me one day. It has to be because you want to though, okay? I don't want you giving me extra work then. I want to see the Komaeda-kun that others do every day.
[ It's a bit of a derail from his promised explanation about the school, bkut he thinks that it's as good of an opportunity as any to drop the suggestion. ]
[ Hiyori notes the lack of an answer to his question, but chooses to let it go for the moment. It was ultimately Komaeda's choice, and he could only hope that with time he would warm up to the idea of being loved by another person. He didn't need to accept the love of anyone else, but Hiyori thinks he should be the singular exception to that rule. He can be Komaeda's one ally. The one who loves and cares for him even though he's so worthless and unlovable.
He starts the process of sewing the injury shut. His eyes flick up briefly, but otherwise he remains focused on his work. The pace he moves at should be called rush, but it can't be. It's too precise for that, too practiced and perfect. He had only ever slowed down for the benefit of his patients. It was concerning to see a doctor rush so quickly, even one as esteemed as him. He nods in agreement with Komaeda's assessment. ]
It's easy to panic and become caught up in your own imagination. Humans rely on their vision, but as for me, it's no more frightening than anything else in this world. Even if the world was enshrouded in darkness, I would have my other senses to guide me through it.
[ It was because people panicked that anything could happen. If one stayed calm, they could adjust to that darkness, and they would quickly realize that there was nothing that could happen then that couldn't have when the light was available to them. To think otherwise was naive. ]
So I only need to trust myself to navigate that darkness as I would anything else.
He starts the process of sewing the injury shut. His eyes flick up briefly, but otherwise he remains focused on his work. The pace he moves at should be called rush, but it can't be. It's too precise for that, too practiced and perfect. He had only ever slowed down for the benefit of his patients. It was concerning to see a doctor rush so quickly, even one as esteemed as him. He nods in agreement with Komaeda's assessment. ]
It's easy to panic and become caught up in your own imagination. Humans rely on their vision, but as for me, it's no more frightening than anything else in this world. Even if the world was enshrouded in darkness, I would have my other senses to guide me through it.
[ It was because people panicked that anything could happen. If one stayed calm, they could adjust to that darkness, and they would quickly realize that there was nothing that could happen then that couldn't have when the light was available to them. To think otherwise was naive. ]
So I only need to trust myself to navigate that darkness as I would anything else.
[ He finishes his work, cleans a few more botches of blood off, and starts the process of bandaging the injury now. There's a moment when he pauses, though, upon the mention of Ultimates flocking together. That was true for others, and he supposes those who were younger would eventually come to his side. People were naturally drawn to him, and they sought his guidance, as had ever been the case. ]
Yes, you're right of course. Ultimates are meant to lead, and they fill the gaps that their peers can't with perfect precision to create a cohesive whole, [ He continues the process of wrapping the bandage around the wound, ] It should be that way... Hm, I suppose that's where my disagreement came in.
[ There was more, of course, but that was perhaps his greatest disappointment. It was such a shame to see those talents wasted by his peers. There's a thoughtful sound as he seems to consider how to best explain the dilemma he had run into at that place. For the first time his smile truly faces, and there's an air of melancholy about him. It's the look of a person who's expectations had been betrayed, and who was still lamenting that fact. ]
... Komaeda-kun, I'd like you to humor me for a moment. do you believe that an Ultimate should be the best in their field? They should, right...? So if, for example, the Ultimate Pianist needed to receive lessons from the Ultimate Gambler due to how much further the latter had advanced... How would you feel about that?
Yes, you're right of course. Ultimates are meant to lead, and they fill the gaps that their peers can't with perfect precision to create a cohesive whole, [ He continues the process of wrapping the bandage around the wound, ] It should be that way... Hm, I suppose that's where my disagreement came in.
[ There was more, of course, but that was perhaps his greatest disappointment. It was such a shame to see those talents wasted by his peers. There's a thoughtful sound as he seems to consider how to best explain the dilemma he had run into at that place. For the first time his smile truly faces, and there's an air of melancholy about him. It's the look of a person who's expectations had been betrayed, and who was still lamenting that fact. ]
... Komaeda-kun, I'd like you to humor me for a moment. do you believe that an Ultimate should be the best in their field? They should, right...? So if, for example, the Ultimate Pianist needed to receive lessons from the Ultimate Gambler due to how much further the latter had advanced... How would you feel about that?
[ Hiyori doesn't take it away just yet, but he does gesture to regain Komaeda's attention, as though he were about to miss something of the utmost importance. The warm smile comes as he nods in agreement with his assessment, but it fades shortly after. ]
You're right, of course. I myself learned much from some of my peers. But the pianist shouldn't learn from the gambler.
[ That is still vague, but he believes this little example should be enough to illustrate the upcoming dilemma. He does a final check of everything and, satisfied with his work, reaches to place his hand over Komaeda's, keeping eye contact with him now. It's a more serious look then he would normally allow anyone to see - heavy and tired and filled with disappointment. ]
That's what was happening. I was considered a once-in-a-generation talent, you see, due to my lineage as much as my talents. And as a result of that, even in that place, people started to depend on me too much.
[ That frown deepens now. ]
They became contemplacent, my classmates and faculty alike, saying ridiculous things like "it's only natural that Hiyori would surpass all others, no one can keep up with him."
[ He wrinkles his nose in distaste. They made excuses like common rabble. ]
It was reaching the point where there were only two people truly balancing me out, and once we started collaborating it started to seem that there was no need for the rest... Ah, it was such a despairing situation.
You're right, of course. I myself learned much from some of my peers. But the pianist shouldn't learn from the gambler.
[ That is still vague, but he believes this little example should be enough to illustrate the upcoming dilemma. He does a final check of everything and, satisfied with his work, reaches to place his hand over Komaeda's, keeping eye contact with him now. It's a more serious look then he would normally allow anyone to see - heavy and tired and filled with disappointment. ]
That's what was happening. I was considered a once-in-a-generation talent, you see, due to my lineage as much as my talents. And as a result of that, even in that place, people started to depend on me too much.
[ That frown deepens now. ]
They became contemplacent, my classmates and faculty alike, saying ridiculous things like "it's only natural that Hiyori would surpass all others, no one can keep up with him."
[ He wrinkles his nose in distaste. They made excuses like common rabble. ]
It was reaching the point where there were only two people truly balancing me out, and once we started collaborating it started to seem that there was no need for the rest... Ah, it was such a despairing situation.
Edited (hit send by accident) 2021-11-14 01:51 (UTC)
I did despair, it's true. Even I needed a small shock to my system. But you see me here now, don't you? And look at how brilliant you classmates are. Ah, it brings me such joy to see their talent.
[ He takes his free hand, cupping Komaeda's face. He's worried the boy enough, and with any more he might do more harm than good with his little story. So he throws that in there for flavor, although it's only half true; the talent of those at Hope's Peak astounding him. It was an excellent scouting ground, even if the faculty was rotten trash. Trash that couldn't abide by his warning. Trash that was causing his cute, lovely patient such harm.
Yes, he believes it's time for a much bigger shock. One that threatens to collapse it. ]
The faculty, too, had simply made a small mistake, you'll think at first - but listen to me until the end, okay, Komaeda-kun? You'll see why it's not. The three of us were prepared to shape the world, while others decided that it was our fault that they had fallen behind in their own talents! All while I was clung to as their great prodigy... Ah, I couldn't stand to see my dear classmates dragged down by such ideas as "it doesn't matter what I do, Hiyori was just born talented"... It was like a taint threatening to spread. It was fracturing the collective whole.
[ He let's put a heavy sigh, shaking his head, and then smiles. ]
That's why... For the sake of my dear classmates, I resolved to remove that taint... No, that's not quite right. I believe in your words, I decided to turn them into stepping stones, one at a time. Their ultimate prodigy, Sou Hiyori, was made a scapegoat for that, but...
[ He sighs, but the look on his face is pure bliss. How bright those days has been, how wonderful. What a wonderful warning he had sent! How his schoolmates had banded together, how the faulty had panicked! How they had all at once realized how frail they all were!
He leaves out the details; he omits his accomplices, for he's protected them for this long. But he smiles. ]
... But, Komaeda-kun, just by the two names I've spoken I'm sure you should know all the others from my class. Wouldn't you say they shine brilliantly now?
[ Those who were left, anyway. He's not wrong, either - those who hadn't crumbled before their loss had excelled, even when compared to other ultimates. Their trauma had become power, a fierce determination to prevent another tragedy from occurring.
He pulls his hands back now. ]
You may resent me if you wish, but I won't apologize for what I did. Because I was able to be the shock to the system... And how brilliant it's shine is now, even more than when I entered... No, I don't believe any of us made mistakes at all, though you might be too young to understand.
[ So brilliant, so close to the sun that it's wax wings would melt. Ah, to think that they hadn't learned anything at all...
But he still remembers the screams. The despair. The failed investigations. The coordination and foolish faith in him. He remembers the brilliant red stains. But most of all, Hiyori remembers it as the first moment when he had felt pure ecstasy. ]
[ He takes his free hand, cupping Komaeda's face. He's worried the boy enough, and with any more he might do more harm than good with his little story. So he throws that in there for flavor, although it's only half true; the talent of those at Hope's Peak astounding him. It was an excellent scouting ground, even if the faculty was rotten trash. Trash that couldn't abide by his warning. Trash that was causing his cute, lovely patient such harm.
Yes, he believes it's time for a much bigger shock. One that threatens to collapse it. ]
The faculty, too, had simply made a small mistake, you'll think at first - but listen to me until the end, okay, Komaeda-kun? You'll see why it's not. The three of us were prepared to shape the world, while others decided that it was our fault that they had fallen behind in their own talents! All while I was clung to as their great prodigy... Ah, I couldn't stand to see my dear classmates dragged down by such ideas as "it doesn't matter what I do, Hiyori was just born talented"... It was like a taint threatening to spread. It was fracturing the collective whole.
[ He let's put a heavy sigh, shaking his head, and then smiles. ]
That's why... For the sake of my dear classmates, I resolved to remove that taint... No, that's not quite right. I believe in your words, I decided to turn them into stepping stones, one at a time. Their ultimate prodigy, Sou Hiyori, was made a scapegoat for that, but...
[ He sighs, but the look on his face is pure bliss. How bright those days has been, how wonderful. What a wonderful warning he had sent! How his schoolmates had banded together, how the faulty had panicked! How they had all at once realized how frail they all were!
He leaves out the details; he omits his accomplices, for he's protected them for this long. But he smiles. ]
... But, Komaeda-kun, just by the two names I've spoken I'm sure you should know all the others from my class. Wouldn't you say they shine brilliantly now?
[ Those who were left, anyway. He's not wrong, either - those who hadn't crumbled before their loss had excelled, even when compared to other ultimates. Their trauma had become power, a fierce determination to prevent another tragedy from occurring.
He pulls his hands back now. ]
You may resent me if you wish, but I won't apologize for what I did. Because I was able to be the shock to the system... And how brilliant it's shine is now, even more than when I entered... No, I don't believe any of us made mistakes at all, though you might be too young to understand.
[ So brilliant, so close to the sun that it's wax wings would melt. Ah, to think that they hadn't learned anything at all...
But he still remembers the screams. The despair. The failed investigations. The coordination and foolish faith in him. He remembers the brilliant red stains. But most of all, Hiyori remembers it as the first moment when he had felt pure ecstasy. ]
[ Hiyori watches as Komaeda works through each and every statement, offering no complaint nor resistance as his hand is pulled away and he watches the complex set of emotions. It's like looking into a mirror, though he had been far more cynical. He had expected that the esteemed Hope's Peak would be a place where he could thrive. Instead, Hiyori had expectations thrust upon him. The faculty viewed him as the result of two of the world's greatest minds. The students clung to him for his charisma and leadership, for his unmatched wit and charm. None of them challenged him. It was boring, so boring, so droll, worse than the dull majority who at least were told from birth that their efforts meant nothing.
It was only the two he'd met there that had saved him. He had won them over easily, too, with the false face of a humble prodigy that he had worn then. They despised him now, having seen his true face, but the three of them still worked well together. Three brilliant minds that had been wasted on a toxic cesspit, just as all young talent there was. Just as his precious Komaeda was. So he handles the entire affair with patience until the final question comes, and he offers a gentle laugh in return. ]
As I thought, you're still a bit too young to understand, Komaeda-kun.
[ Whether Komaeda chooses to see it as hope as despair, there's no denying the affection in his voice - a love that reaches his eyes. He had no respect for that school, nor the riff-raft that had clung to him so pitifully, but those few that had garnered his attention still held his adoration. Those he had killed, too, were the deepest objects of his affection for the good they'd done him. They were worthless creatures, good only for the action that they spurred. Ah, such pleasant, wonderful memories... He etched each and every one into his mind so that he might remember it always, locked it away in his heart, and he shares it now because he's finally found something that equals the love her felt back then. ]
No, it was because I could overcome my despair that I acted. Despair is paralyzing, it locks you in place and shackles you down like a disease. That, too, is why you must be vigilant, so it doesn't creep in and eat you away from the inside.
[ But he does nod now. ]
I can't tell you why those few failed, but I believe they were there for a purpose. I believe that they were there so the collective could succeed. If you were to look them up now, you would see that those of my class have been among the most successful, Komaeda-kun. They have succeeded, the school has far more stringent measures now, and I traded my life amongst them for a life that nonetheless satisfies me. Would you call that a sacrifice?
[ Hmmm... ]
But if I were to explain my motives... I can only say that it was an act of love. I loved each and every one of them with my whole being, so much so that I would kill for them. So much so that I despaired for them, and so much so that I overcame that for them. Not a single one of them could reach my level, and yet that only made me love them more. I wanted to protect those precious people.
[ He could kill for them, and he had, in the most gruesome ways possible. Komaeda, he thinks, is too young to understand that those Ultimates were human too. He was too broken to recognize that they would flounder and panic when confronted with such a great talent as the three of them had been. But love was a universal force, just as hope was, and Hiyori hopes that this alone will be understood.
He repeats himself once more: ]
You may judge me if you wish. I stay silent out of respect, not regret. That, too, is my love.
[ Love is gracious, love is kind, and love offers no apologies. In that, he supposes that perhaps Komaeda is the yin to his yang. Komaeda destroyed himself out of love, Hiyori destroyed others out of love. One saw it as the birthplace of hope, the other saw it as a shackle that tied talent down. ]
It was only the two he'd met there that had saved him. He had won them over easily, too, with the false face of a humble prodigy that he had worn then. They despised him now, having seen his true face, but the three of them still worked well together. Three brilliant minds that had been wasted on a toxic cesspit, just as all young talent there was. Just as his precious Komaeda was. So he handles the entire affair with patience until the final question comes, and he offers a gentle laugh in return. ]
As I thought, you're still a bit too young to understand, Komaeda-kun.
[ Whether Komaeda chooses to see it as hope as despair, there's no denying the affection in his voice - a love that reaches his eyes. He had no respect for that school, nor the riff-raft that had clung to him so pitifully, but those few that had garnered his attention still held his adoration. Those he had killed, too, were the deepest objects of his affection for the good they'd done him. They were worthless creatures, good only for the action that they spurred. Ah, such pleasant, wonderful memories... He etched each and every one into his mind so that he might remember it always, locked it away in his heart, and he shares it now because he's finally found something that equals the love her felt back then. ]
No, it was because I could overcome my despair that I acted. Despair is paralyzing, it locks you in place and shackles you down like a disease. That, too, is why you must be vigilant, so it doesn't creep in and eat you away from the inside.
[ But he does nod now. ]
I can't tell you why those few failed, but I believe they were there for a purpose. I believe that they were there so the collective could succeed. If you were to look them up now, you would see that those of my class have been among the most successful, Komaeda-kun. They have succeeded, the school has far more stringent measures now, and I traded my life amongst them for a life that nonetheless satisfies me. Would you call that a sacrifice?
[ Hmmm... ]
But if I were to explain my motives... I can only say that it was an act of love. I loved each and every one of them with my whole being, so much so that I would kill for them. So much so that I despaired for them, and so much so that I overcame that for them. Not a single one of them could reach my level, and yet that only made me love them more. I wanted to protect those precious people.
[ He could kill for them, and he had, in the most gruesome ways possible. Komaeda, he thinks, is too young to understand that those Ultimates were human too. He was too broken to recognize that they would flounder and panic when confronted with such a great talent as the three of them had been. But love was a universal force, just as hope was, and Hiyori hopes that this alone will be understood.
He repeats himself once more: ]
You may judge me if you wish. I stay silent out of respect, not regret. That, too, is my love.
[ Love is gracious, love is kind, and love offers no apologies. In that, he supposes that perhaps Komaeda is the yin to his yang. Komaeda destroyed himself out of love, Hiyori destroyed others out of love. One saw it as the birthplace of hope, the other saw it as a shackle that tied talent down. ]
[ He allows Komaeda to touch and examine him to his satisfaction, the gentle smile not faltering for a moment. He is an adult who's walked through all the troubled steps of youth and is waiting to see if the youth before him will be able to do the same. If he had time, Hiyori believes tat it might be possible. Time and illness were cruel, though, and wold deprive him of even that opportunity to see the world for what it was. He would never be able to peel back the skin and see the rotten and infested tissue and organs hidden beneath the surface.
He allows it to be by design, though, that mistake that they had made. They had made a few into their singular hope and flocked around it without once considering what would happen if someone were to pull that string free. He had given himself a shock to his own system in turn. It had allowed Hiyori to find his true identity, to deal with conflict and struggle, and adjusted. It should have been a mutually beneficial outcome. But they had covered it up and erased his existence, and he had thrived in his new reality while that place had remained the same. They were still playing games, and even more dangerous ones now, trying to pin their hopes down on a single person.
He pats Komaeda's head before he pulls away, straightening himself up. ]
Of course. I won't tell you how to think, Komaeda-kun. You need to see the world and judge it for yourself, just as I have. I tell you all of this so that you can decide for yourself what occurred. If you think that my love destroys, then it does. Though, hm, I suppose my talent does afford me the unique opportunity to decide if I should hurt or heal, doesn't it?
[ He takes the needle off the table now, along with the few other items he had set there, and works on putting them safely away and out of his patient's reach. Then he goes through a cabinet and pulls out a shirt that's draped over his arm, and a drawer and finds a washcloth, running it under warm water. He continues as he turns the faucet off, wringing it out, ]
Harai-san, Namida-san, and of course myself have that amazing power. The three of us are enough to reduce even the talented to the majority... No, any one of us is enough to do that. That's a truly frightening power, don't you think? You start to lose touch with others if you're not careful. So, I suppose if I hadn't met those two, I might have destroyed this entire world with my love.
[ He wipes the turns on his heel and walks back and offers the cloth to Komaeda to wipe any remaining blood off before setting the shirt on the table next to him. ]
The shirt might be a little big on you, but it should fit well enough. [ He can't go out looking as he does, after all. He continues seamlessly: ] As it is, the two I mentioned have tempered me... Hm, you could say that my true work is done by their side, and they remind me daily of how frail the world is when compared to us... Is that hard to understand? Well, it's enough that you know that most of the modern day miracles have been our accomplishments.
[ Her runs his finger over the shirt. That, he suppose, would make it strange that he played the role of a mere doctor so readily then. ]
... So then, I've told you a lot, Komaeda-kun. I want you to form your own opinions, because you're far smarter than you give yourself credit for, and I enjoy your thoughts far more than my own. You now know my history. You now know the work that I have outside of this office. So then, can you tell me why I do the work that I do here? Do you believe this to be a destructive love?
He allows it to be by design, though, that mistake that they had made. They had made a few into their singular hope and flocked around it without once considering what would happen if someone were to pull that string free. He had given himself a shock to his own system in turn. It had allowed Hiyori to find his true identity, to deal with conflict and struggle, and adjusted. It should have been a mutually beneficial outcome. But they had covered it up and erased his existence, and he had thrived in his new reality while that place had remained the same. They were still playing games, and even more dangerous ones now, trying to pin their hopes down on a single person.
He pats Komaeda's head before he pulls away, straightening himself up. ]
Of course. I won't tell you how to think, Komaeda-kun. You need to see the world and judge it for yourself, just as I have. I tell you all of this so that you can decide for yourself what occurred. If you think that my love destroys, then it does. Though, hm, I suppose my talent does afford me the unique opportunity to decide if I should hurt or heal, doesn't it?
[ He takes the needle off the table now, along with the few other items he had set there, and works on putting them safely away and out of his patient's reach. Then he goes through a cabinet and pulls out a shirt that's draped over his arm, and a drawer and finds a washcloth, running it under warm water. He continues as he turns the faucet off, wringing it out, ]
Harai-san, Namida-san, and of course myself have that amazing power. The three of us are enough to reduce even the talented to the majority... No, any one of us is enough to do that. That's a truly frightening power, don't you think? You start to lose touch with others if you're not careful. So, I suppose if I hadn't met those two, I might have destroyed this entire world with my love.
[ He wipes the turns on his heel and walks back and offers the cloth to Komaeda to wipe any remaining blood off before setting the shirt on the table next to him. ]
The shirt might be a little big on you, but it should fit well enough. [ He can't go out looking as he does, after all. He continues seamlessly: ] As it is, the two I mentioned have tempered me... Hm, you could say that my true work is done by their side, and they remind me daily of how frail the world is when compared to us... Is that hard to understand? Well, it's enough that you know that most of the modern day miracles have been our accomplishments.
[ Her runs his finger over the shirt. That, he suppose, would make it strange that he played the role of a mere doctor so readily then. ]
... So then, I've told you a lot, Komaeda-kun. I want you to form your own opinions, because you're far smarter than you give yourself credit for, and I enjoy your thoughts far more than my own. You now know my history. You now know the work that I have outside of this office. So then, can you tell me why I do the work that I do here? Do you believe this to be a destructive love?
[ Hiyori listens to his conclusions with the same kind, gentle smile that he always wears, clasping his hands behind is back. It's the conclusions of a petulant child, one whose idea of love was far too detached from his own to truly understand anything else. Hiyori passed no judgment on those who couldn't find such talent on their own, but he despised those who refused to exceed him. Even if they never could, it was the duty of all to try and surpass him.
But he's taken away each dangerous object, and he sees that some of the color has returned to his patient now that the blood has been injected into his system. He still looked rough, but far better, and he makes a note to force him to have a few cookies and some juice before he leaves. But he enjoys the take that he's given, and he determines it only fitting not to contract the narrative that has been assigned to him. He had not murdered for despair, he had murdered because had overcome despair. It was always love that gave him strength, taht spurred him into each and every action then and now. ]
Hm, I see, then that is the narrative that you've assigned to me... Yes, as I thought, you truly are a gifted child. It's a wonderful story. You are correct. But I have never acted out of despair, Komaeda-kun. I have only ever acted out of love. It was love that has ever guided my hand.
[ He affords that one small correction and nothing more. It truly is a pleasant story to be assigned, and he thinks that he might opt to use it for himself going forward. It was far more grim, far more terrifying, and far more palatable to the ignorant masses to think of a man who had simply could not understand the importance of human bonds. He has no need for them, but Hiyori understands well that others do. It was because of his talent alone that he could be freed from such things - that once in a generation talent that had allowed others to grow so soft and lazy in their efforts.
He doesn't seem to terribly mind the lack of a direct answer, either. Instead, Hiyori will answer the question that had been presented to him: ]
I ask you because I want to know your opinion, Komaeda-kun. Do you go throughout life only looking through your left eye? Of course not. If you did, you would miss half the world. You need both eyes in order to see it completely. You need both eyes to see that depth.
[ He shakes his head. ]
Stories are the same way. You must share them with others to see what they're truly like. Now that I've heard Komaeda-kun, I believe I can say that I am one step closer to seeing myself with both eyes open... Or perhaps you think it's strange that I put myself among the majority and seek out their opinions? Why, I would think it would be the height of foolishness to disconnect yourself from the views of them. Much as I need both my eyes, I need to be able to look up, and I need to be able to look down, and I need to look straight ahead to see the entire world. Komaeda-kun, who can only look up as he goes through life, who is both equal to and beneath me, offers a view to me that no one else can.
But he's taken away each dangerous object, and he sees that some of the color has returned to his patient now that the blood has been injected into his system. He still looked rough, but far better, and he makes a note to force him to have a few cookies and some juice before he leaves. But he enjoys the take that he's given, and he determines it only fitting not to contract the narrative that has been assigned to him. He had not murdered for despair, he had murdered because had overcome despair. It was always love that gave him strength, taht spurred him into each and every action then and now. ]
Hm, I see, then that is the narrative that you've assigned to me... Yes, as I thought, you truly are a gifted child. It's a wonderful story. You are correct. But I have never acted out of despair, Komaeda-kun. I have only ever acted out of love. It was love that has ever guided my hand.
[ He affords that one small correction and nothing more. It truly is a pleasant story to be assigned, and he thinks that he might opt to use it for himself going forward. It was far more grim, far more terrifying, and far more palatable to the ignorant masses to think of a man who had simply could not understand the importance of human bonds. He has no need for them, but Hiyori understands well that others do. It was because of his talent alone that he could be freed from such things - that once in a generation talent that had allowed others to grow so soft and lazy in their efforts.
He doesn't seem to terribly mind the lack of a direct answer, either. Instead, Hiyori will answer the question that had been presented to him: ]
I ask you because I want to know your opinion, Komaeda-kun. Do you go throughout life only looking through your left eye? Of course not. If you did, you would miss half the world. You need both eyes in order to see it completely. You need both eyes to see that depth.
[ He shakes his head. ]
Stories are the same way. You must share them with others to see what they're truly like. Now that I've heard Komaeda-kun, I believe I can say that I am one step closer to seeing myself with both eyes open... Or perhaps you think it's strange that I put myself among the majority and seek out their opinions? Why, I would think it would be the height of foolishness to disconnect yourself from the views of them. Much as I need both my eyes, I need to be able to look up, and I need to be able to look down, and I need to look straight ahead to see the entire world. Komaeda-kun, who can only look up as he goes through life, who is both equal to and beneath me, offers a view to me that no one else can.
[ Ah, a complete rejection. He's visibly crestfallen by the end of Komaeda's response, shoulders sagging as he slumps down. His hands tighten behind his back before they sink back down to his side. He's not surprised in the least. This was, most likely, the only way that Komaeda could respond. He could only see himself as someone who could not even be granted an opinion. It was a truly sad state of affairs, and each time he hears it, it strengthens his resolve a little more. He's grateful for this cute patient of his, who ensures each time they speak that his resolve will never waver.
Komaeda, his precious patient, who had gained the love that no ultimate could now. Komaeda, whose love was so pure and honest that it made his heart skip a beat. Komaeda, his cute, precious patient, whose brilliance was wasted. For that cute Komaeda, he forces a pained smile that he gradually trains into something more natural. He offers a nervous little laugh in response to the final question, remorse creeping into it. ]
Y-yes, of course... [ His voice falters for just a second before he corrects it, ] I apologize, Komaeda-kun, I shouldn't demand so much of you.
[ He has no interest in the thoughts of other Ultimates, who all came to the same drab conclusions. It was like glimpsing into an echo chamber, back then and even now. It so often manage to be even more tiring than dealing with the drab majority, who had least made every effort to struggle their way to talent and would occasionally stumble onto something of interest. Every once in awhile one of them would come to him, and he would see their charm and talent, and he would extract every last thought and feeling out as he showered them with every last bit of affection.
Ultimates were no different. If he wanted to, he only need take them, and they would bend before him. He could give them all of his love, but their thoughts were rarely anything he couldn't think of himself. When compared to that, the person before him and their blunt rejection was something that could leave his heart pounding in his chest.
He shifts the subject: ]
And I did promise that I would discharge you if you cooperated, didn't I? You did well, and I'm sure that you've had enough of me for one day, so why don't I write you that letter now? If you wouldn't mind coming back to my office for just a minute... I seem to have forgotten to bring my pen and pad with me.
Komaeda, his precious patient, who had gained the love that no ultimate could now. Komaeda, whose love was so pure and honest that it made his heart skip a beat. Komaeda, his cute, precious patient, whose brilliance was wasted. For that cute Komaeda, he forces a pained smile that he gradually trains into something more natural. He offers a nervous little laugh in response to the final question, remorse creeping into it. ]
Y-yes, of course... [ His voice falters for just a second before he corrects it, ] I apologize, Komaeda-kun, I shouldn't demand so much of you.
[ He has no interest in the thoughts of other Ultimates, who all came to the same drab conclusions. It was like glimpsing into an echo chamber, back then and even now. It so often manage to be even more tiring than dealing with the drab majority, who had least made every effort to struggle their way to talent and would occasionally stumble onto something of interest. Every once in awhile one of them would come to him, and he would see their charm and talent, and he would extract every last thought and feeling out as he showered them with every last bit of affection.
Ultimates were no different. If he wanted to, he only need take them, and they would bend before him. He could give them all of his love, but their thoughts were rarely anything he couldn't think of himself. When compared to that, the person before him and their blunt rejection was something that could leave his heart pounding in his chest.
He shifts the subject: ]
And I did promise that I would discharge you if you cooperated, didn't I? You did well, and I'm sure that you've had enough of me for one day, so why don't I write you that letter now? If you wouldn't mind coming back to my office for just a minute... I seem to have forgotten to bring my pen and pad with me.
[ He chuckles. ]
I suppose I do. My aide is always scolding me... But, we should go together.
[ There is no aide when he cares for Komaeda, though. There was no one except for Hiyori. He considers offering to transfer him to another doctor, but decides against it. It was too likely that he would take up on it, and that would lead to further complications. The issue of him wanting to continue caring for his favorite patient aside, there was the little issue that no one else wanted him. It was truly poor luck on Komaeda's part that even the most patient of their staff no longer saw him as worth it.
That sentiment had only intensified after he had been been injured for the first time. It was unsightly for their most important doctor to be in need of intense care. But he had taken that in stride as he did all other occurrences. It had been frightening, but no real harm had been done, and he was already working to replace all the inconvenient human parts.
He opens the exam room's door, revealing the dimly lit hallway behind it, patting Komaeda's shoulder as he passes to signify for him to follow. It's a a familiar set of paces down a hallway that they've walked so many times before. He's disappointed by how short their time together was this round, but he supposes that was his own poor luck showing through. There would be next time. Around the corner and just a little ways down, nested away near a corner, and he stops at the door. He tugs a key out of his pocket, with a cute little black cat keychain attached to it. ]
I'd like to ask you one more question, Komaeda-kun.
I suppose I do. My aide is always scolding me... But, we should go together.
[ There is no aide when he cares for Komaeda, though. There was no one except for Hiyori. He considers offering to transfer him to another doctor, but decides against it. It was too likely that he would take up on it, and that would lead to further complications. The issue of him wanting to continue caring for his favorite patient aside, there was the little issue that no one else wanted him. It was truly poor luck on Komaeda's part that even the most patient of their staff no longer saw him as worth it.
That sentiment had only intensified after he had been been injured for the first time. It was unsightly for their most important doctor to be in need of intense care. But he had taken that in stride as he did all other occurrences. It had been frightening, but no real harm had been done, and he was already working to replace all the inconvenient human parts.
He opens the exam room's door, revealing the dimly lit hallway behind it, patting Komaeda's shoulder as he passes to signify for him to follow. It's a a familiar set of paces down a hallway that they've walked so many times before. He's disappointed by how short their time together was this round, but he supposes that was his own poor luck showing through. There would be next time. Around the corner and just a little ways down, nested away near a corner, and he stops at the door. He tugs a key out of his pocket, with a cute little black cat keychain attached to it. ]
I'd like to ask you one more question, Komaeda-kun.
Oh? In that case, perhaps I should ask you to let me keep you all to myself. But then, you would only break my heart.
[ It's a joke, of course. He knows well enough that each and ever offer would be readily refuted. If he were able to do so, Hiyori would like to ensure that he never had to let Komaeda go again. He would lock him up, chain him down, and love him so dearly that he'd never even need to think about another person again. He would meet him again every day, fall in love with him again every day, reminded him of who he was and the love they shared. But such unsavory behavior would only make his beloved resent him, and so Hiyori settles for this fleeting time.
He pushes the door open, allowing Komaeda to go first and shutting it behind him. He clicks the lock as he always does to avoid needless interruptions. Then he paces over to the desk and sits behind it, taking out the pen and pad. It's filled out quickly and efficiently, the top page torn off, to show that he's good to his word before proceeding. The moment the other wanted to leave, he only need snatch it from his hand.
It's only once he's done all of this, when he can look directly at Komaeda, that he's willing to ask his question. ]
Komaeda-kun, if you were able to cure the diseases afflicting you, would you choose to do so? If I were to offer you a cure right now, would you take it?
[ Despite the patient and kind air he kept about him, despite the massive ethics breach that he had committed here, Hiyori was nonetheless befitting of being called an Ultimate. He took hiss job seriously, and he didn't believe in offering false hope to patients that would only lead to more pain in the end, and so it was only when he had a cure that he asked. Normally he can feel relatively confident about the answer - some would jump at any sliver of hope, and some were too far gone to even consider such a possibility. He wonders which side this one will land on. ]
[ It's a joke, of course. He knows well enough that each and ever offer would be readily refuted. If he were able to do so, Hiyori would like to ensure that he never had to let Komaeda go again. He would lock him up, chain him down, and love him so dearly that he'd never even need to think about another person again. He would meet him again every day, fall in love with him again every day, reminded him of who he was and the love they shared. But such unsavory behavior would only make his beloved resent him, and so Hiyori settles for this fleeting time.
He pushes the door open, allowing Komaeda to go first and shutting it behind him. He clicks the lock as he always does to avoid needless interruptions. Then he paces over to the desk and sits behind it, taking out the pen and pad. It's filled out quickly and efficiently, the top page torn off, to show that he's good to his word before proceeding. The moment the other wanted to leave, he only need snatch it from his hand.
It's only once he's done all of this, when he can look directly at Komaeda, that he's willing to ask his question. ]
Komaeda-kun, if you were able to cure the diseases afflicting you, would you choose to do so? If I were to offer you a cure right now, would you take it?
[ Despite the patient and kind air he kept about him, despite the massive ethics breach that he had committed here, Hiyori was nonetheless befitting of being called an Ultimate. He took hiss job seriously, and he didn't believe in offering false hope to patients that would only lead to more pain in the end, and so it was only when he had a cure that he asked. Normally he can feel relatively confident about the answer - some would jump at any sliver of hope, and some were too far gone to even consider such a possibility. He wonders which side this one will land on. ]
Edited 2021-11-15 06:04 (UTC)
Yes... Your love is far too pure.
[ Komaeda's love is warm and pure, just as his own is, and the thought of it bubbles up in his chest, and he wishes he could hang onto that feeling forever. He wants to give unapologetic words of love in return, but he refrains for now, not wanting to ruin this chance to speak with him about such an important matter. It would decide how everything proceeded from here.
He nods once. It was about the diseases that had tormented his patient for so long. It was about an effort to uproot his entire life, to shape him into a completely different person than he presently was. He breathes out as Komaeda continues, closing his eyes as he considers the question presented to him. ]
Yes, of course... [ He brings his hand up to his chin, fingers curled as he deliberates. He sets the paper down on the desk so that Komaeda need not even suffer the guilt of tearing it away from him should his answer prove to be unsatisfactory. ] Well, I think I would say that luck is its own kind of force of nature. How else can you describe all of the right factors coming together to cause a person ill or good fortune by simple chance?
[ He shakes his head. He's not superstitious by any means, but nor does he think it's wrong to call a series of coincidences luck. It's a short answer, but everything past that is a subjective experience - is it good? Is it bad? Is it too much or too little? It would all depend on who one asked.
As for him... ]
I would say that in an ideal world, such things were be experienced in small doses... But I'm hardly qualified to speak on such matters.
[ Komaeda's love is warm and pure, just as his own is, and the thought of it bubbles up in his chest, and he wishes he could hang onto that feeling forever. He wants to give unapologetic words of love in return, but he refrains for now, not wanting to ruin this chance to speak with him about such an important matter. It would decide how everything proceeded from here.
He nods once. It was about the diseases that had tormented his patient for so long. It was about an effort to uproot his entire life, to shape him into a completely different person than he presently was. He breathes out as Komaeda continues, closing his eyes as he considers the question presented to him. ]
Yes, of course... [ He brings his hand up to his chin, fingers curled as he deliberates. He sets the paper down on the desk so that Komaeda need not even suffer the guilt of tearing it away from him should his answer prove to be unsatisfactory. ] Well, I think I would say that luck is its own kind of force of nature. How else can you describe all of the right factors coming together to cause a person ill or good fortune by simple chance?
[ He shakes his head. He's not superstitious by any means, but nor does he think it's wrong to call a series of coincidences luck. It's a short answer, but everything past that is a subjective experience - is it good? Is it bad? Is it too much or too little? It would all depend on who one asked.
As for him... ]
I would say that in an ideal world, such things were be experienced in small doses... But I'm hardly qualified to speak on such matters.
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