I did despair, it's true. Even I needed a small shock to my system. But you see me here now, don't you? And look at how brilliant you classmates are. Ah, it brings me such joy to see their talent.
[ He takes his free hand, cupping Komaeda's face. He's worried the boy enough, and with any more he might do more harm than good with his little story. So he throws that in there for flavor, although it's only half true; the talent of those at Hope's Peak astounding him. It was an excellent scouting ground, even if the faculty was rotten trash. Trash that couldn't abide by his warning. Trash that was causing his cute, lovely patient such harm.
Yes, he believes it's time for a much bigger shock. One that threatens to collapse it. ]
The faculty, too, had simply made a small mistake, you'll think at first - but listen to me until the end, okay, Komaeda-kun? You'll see why it's not. The three of us were prepared to shape the world, while others decided that it was our fault that they had fallen behind in their own talents! All while I was clung to as their great prodigy... Ah, I couldn't stand to see my dear classmates dragged down by such ideas as "it doesn't matter what I do, Hiyori was just born talented"... It was like a taint threatening to spread. It was fracturing the collective whole.
[ He let's put a heavy sigh, shaking his head, and then smiles. ]
That's why... For the sake of my dear classmates, I resolved to remove that taint... No, that's not quite right. I believe in your words, I decided to turn them into stepping stones, one at a time. Their ultimate prodigy, Sou Hiyori, was made a scapegoat for that, but...
[ He sighs, but the look on his face is pure bliss. How bright those days has been, how wonderful. What a wonderful warning he had sent! How his schoolmates had banded together, how the faulty had panicked! How they had all at once realized how frail they all were!
He leaves out the details; he omits his accomplices, for he's protected them for this long. But he smiles. ]
... But, Komaeda-kun, just by the two names I've spoken I'm sure you should know all the others from my class. Wouldn't you say they shine brilliantly now?
[ Those who were left, anyway. He's not wrong, either - those who hadn't crumbled before their loss had excelled, even when compared to other ultimates. Their trauma had become power, a fierce determination to prevent another tragedy from occurring.
He pulls his hands back now. ]
You may resent me if you wish, but I won't apologize for what I did. Because I was able to be the shock to the system... And how brilliant it's shine is now, even more than when I entered... No, I don't believe any of us made mistakes at all, though you might be too young to understand.
[ So brilliant, so close to the sun that it's wax wings would melt. Ah, to think that they hadn't learned anything at all...
But he still remembers the screams. The despair. The failed investigations. The coordination and foolish faith in him. He remembers the brilliant red stains. But most of all, Hiyori remembers it as the first moment when he had felt pure ecstasy. ]
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komaeda just accept his love already, every last drop of it
[ Hiyori watches as Komaeda works through each and every statement, offering no complaint nor resistance as his hand is pulled away and he watches the complex set of emotions. It's like looking into a mirror, though he had been far more cynical. He had expected that the esteemed Hope's Peak would be a place where he could thrive. Instead, Hiyori had expectations thrust upon him. The faculty viewed him as the result of two of the world's greatest minds. The students clung to him for his charisma and leadership, for his unmatched wit and charm. None of them challenged him. It was boring, so boring, so droll, worse than the dull majority who at least were told from birth that their efforts meant nothing.
It was only the two he'd met there that had saved him. He had won them over easily, too, with the false face of a humble prodigy that he had worn then. They despised him now, having seen his true face, but the three of them still worked well together. Three brilliant minds that had been wasted on a toxic cesspit, just as all young talent there was. Just as his precious Komaeda was. So he handles the entire affair with patience until the final question comes, and he offers a gentle laugh in return. ]
As I thought, you're still a bit too young to understand, Komaeda-kun.
[ Whether Komaeda chooses to see it as hope as despair, there's no denying the affection in his voice - a love that reaches his eyes. He had no respect for that school, nor the riff-raft that had clung to him so pitifully, but those few that had garnered his attention still held his adoration. Those he had killed, too, were the deepest objects of his affection for the good they'd done him. They were worthless creatures, good only for the action that they spurred. Ah, such pleasant, wonderful memories... He etched each and every one into his mind so that he might remember it always, locked it away in his heart, and he shares it now because he's finally found something that equals the love her felt back then. ]
No, it was because I could overcome my despair that I acted. Despair is paralyzing, it locks you in place and shackles you down like a disease. That, too, is why you must be vigilant, so it doesn't creep in and eat you away from the inside.
[ But he does nod now. ]
I can't tell you why those few failed, but I believe they were there for a purpose. I believe that they were there so the collective could succeed. If you were to look them up now, you would see that those of my class have been among the most successful, Komaeda-kun. They have succeeded, the school has far more stringent measures now, and I traded my life amongst them for a life that nonetheless satisfies me. Would you call that a sacrifice?
[ Hmmm... ]
But if I were to explain my motives... I can only say that it was an act of love. I loved each and every one of them with my whole being, so much so that I would kill for them. So much so that I despaired for them, and so much so that I overcame that for them. Not a single one of them could reach my level, and yet that only made me love them more. I wanted to protect those precious people.
[ He could kill for them, and he had, in the most gruesome ways possible. Komaeda, he thinks, is too young to understand that those Ultimates were human too. He was too broken to recognize that they would flounder and panic when confronted with such a great talent as the three of them had been. But love was a universal force, just as hope was, and Hiyori hopes that this alone will be understood.
He repeats himself once more: ]
You may judge me if you wish. I stay silent out of respect, not regret. That, too, is my love.
[ Love is gracious, love is kind, and love offers no apologies. In that, he supposes that perhaps Komaeda is the yin to his yang. Komaeda destroyed himself out of love, Hiyori destroyed others out of love. One saw it as the birthplace of hope, the other saw it as a shackle that tied talent down. ]
[ He allows Komaeda to touch and examine him to his satisfaction, the gentle smile not faltering for a moment. He is an adult who's walked through all the troubled steps of youth and is waiting to see if the youth before him will be able to do the same. If he had time, Hiyori believes tat it might be possible. Time and illness were cruel, though, and wold deprive him of even that opportunity to see the world for what it was. He would never be able to peel back the skin and see the rotten and infested tissue and organs hidden beneath the surface.
He allows it to be by design, though, that mistake that they had made. They had made a few into their singular hope and flocked around it without once considering what would happen if someone were to pull that string free. He had given himself a shock to his own system in turn. It had allowed Hiyori to find his true identity, to deal with conflict and struggle, and adjusted. It should have been a mutually beneficial outcome. But they had covered it up and erased his existence, and he had thrived in his new reality while that place had remained the same. They were still playing games, and even more dangerous ones now, trying to pin their hopes down on a single person.
He pats Komaeda's head before he pulls away, straightening himself up. ]
Of course. I won't tell you how to think, Komaeda-kun. You need to see the world and judge it for yourself, just as I have. I tell you all of this so that you can decide for yourself what occurred. If you think that my love destroys, then it does. Though, hm, I suppose my talent does afford me the unique opportunity to decide if I should hurt or heal, doesn't it?
[ He takes the needle off the table now, along with the few other items he had set there, and works on putting them safely away and out of his patient's reach. Then he goes through a cabinet and pulls out a shirt that's draped over his arm, and a drawer and finds a washcloth, running it under warm water. He continues as he turns the faucet off, wringing it out, ]
Harai-san, Namida-san, and of course myself have that amazing power. The three of us are enough to reduce even the talented to the majority... No, any one of us is enough to do that. That's a truly frightening power, don't you think? You start to lose touch with others if you're not careful. So, I suppose if I hadn't met those two, I might have destroyed this entire world with my love.
[ He wipes the turns on his heel and walks back and offers the cloth to Komaeda to wipe any remaining blood off before setting the shirt on the table next to him. ]
The shirt might be a little big on you, but it should fit well enough. [ He can't go out looking as he does, after all. He continues seamlessly: ] As it is, the two I mentioned have tempered me... Hm, you could say that my true work is done by their side, and they remind me daily of how frail the world is when compared to us... Is that hard to understand? Well, it's enough that you know that most of the modern day miracles have been our accomplishments.
[ Her runs his finger over the shirt. That, he suppose, would make it strange that he played the role of a mere doctor so readily then. ]
... So then, I've told you a lot, Komaeda-kun. I want you to form your own opinions, because you're far smarter than you give yourself credit for, and I enjoy your thoughts far more than my own. You now know my history. You now know the work that I have outside of this office. So then, can you tell me why I do the work that I do here? Do you believe this to be a destructive love?
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damnit komaeda they're not vampires they can't just drink your blood
[ Hiyori listens to his conclusions with the same kind, gentle smile that he always wears, clasping his hands behind is back. It's the conclusions of a petulant child, one whose idea of love was far too detached from his own to truly understand anything else. Hiyori passed no judgment on those who couldn't find such talent on their own, but he despised those who refused to exceed him. Even if they never could, it was the duty of all to try and surpass him.
But he's taken away each dangerous object, and he sees that some of the color has returned to his patient now that the blood has been injected into his system. He still looked rough, but far better, and he makes a note to force him to have a few cookies and some juice before he leaves. But he enjoys the take that he's given, and he determines it only fitting not to contract the narrative that has been assigned to him. He had not murdered for despair, he had murdered because had overcome despair. It was always love that gave him strength, taht spurred him into each and every action then and now. ]
Hm, I see, then that is the narrative that you've assigned to me... Yes, as I thought, you truly are a gifted child. It's a wonderful story. You are correct. But I have never acted out of despair, Komaeda-kun. I have only ever acted out of love. It was love that has ever guided my hand.
[ He affords that one small correction and nothing more. It truly is a pleasant story to be assigned, and he thinks that he might opt to use it for himself going forward. It was far more grim, far more terrifying, and far more palatable to the ignorant masses to think of a man who had simply could not understand the importance of human bonds. He has no need for them, but Hiyori understands well that others do. It was because of his talent alone that he could be freed from such things - that once in a generation talent that had allowed others to grow so soft and lazy in their efforts.
He doesn't seem to terribly mind the lack of a direct answer, either. Instead, Hiyori will answer the question that had been presented to him: ]
I ask you because I want to know your opinion, Komaeda-kun. Do you go throughout life only looking through your left eye? Of course not. If you did, you would miss half the world. You need both eyes in order to see it completely. You need both eyes to see that depth.
[ He shakes his head. ]
Stories are the same way. You must share them with others to see what they're truly like. Now that I've heard Komaeda-kun, I believe I can say that I am one step closer to seeing myself with both eyes open... Or perhaps you think it's strange that I put myself among the majority and seek out their opinions? Why, I would think it would be the height of foolishness to disconnect yourself from the views of them. Much as I need both my eyes, I need to be able to look up, and I need to be able to look down, and I need to look straight ahead to see the entire world. Komaeda-kun, who can only look up as he goes through life, who is both equal to and beneath me, offers a view to me that no one else can.
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it's not normal but midori is a vampire so it probably would be fine to feed it to him
[ Ah, a complete rejection. He's visibly crestfallen by the end of Komaeda's response, shoulders sagging as he slumps down. His hands tighten behind his back before they sink back down to his side. He's not surprised in the least. This was, most likely, the only way that Komaeda could respond. He could only see himself as someone who could not even be granted an opinion. It was a truly sad state of affairs, and each time he hears it, it strengthens his resolve a little more. He's grateful for this cute patient of his, who ensures each time they speak that his resolve will never waver.
Komaeda, his precious patient, who had gained the love that no ultimate could now. Komaeda, whose love was so pure and honest that it made his heart skip a beat. Komaeda, his cute, precious patient, whose brilliance was wasted. For that cute Komaeda, he forces a pained smile that he gradually trains into something more natural. He offers a nervous little laugh in response to the final question, remorse creeping into it. ]
Y-yes, of course... [ His voice falters for just a second before he corrects it, ] I apologize, Komaeda-kun, I shouldn't demand so much of you.
[ He has no interest in the thoughts of other Ultimates, who all came to the same drab conclusions. It was like glimpsing into an echo chamber, back then and even now. It so often manage to be even more tiring than dealing with the drab majority, who had least made every effort to struggle their way to talent and would occasionally stumble onto something of interest. Every once in awhile one of them would come to him, and he would see their charm and talent, and he would extract every last thought and feeling out as he showered them with every last bit of affection.
Ultimates were no different. If he wanted to, he only need take them, and they would bend before him. He could give them all of his love, but their thoughts were rarely anything he couldn't think of himself. When compared to that, the person before him and their blunt rejection was something that could leave his heart pounding in his chest.
He shifts the subject: ]
And I did promise that I would discharge you if you cooperated, didn't I? You did well, and I'm sure that you've had enough of me for one day, so why don't I write you that letter now? If you wouldn't mind coming back to my office for just a minute... I seem to have forgotten to bring my pen and pad with me.
I suppose I do. My aide is always scolding me... But, we should go together.
[ There is no aide when he cares for Komaeda, though. There was no one except for Hiyori. He considers offering to transfer him to another doctor, but decides against it. It was too likely that he would take up on it, and that would lead to further complications. The issue of him wanting to continue caring for his favorite patient aside, there was the little issue that no one else wanted him. It was truly poor luck on Komaeda's part that even the most patient of their staff no longer saw him as worth it.
That sentiment had only intensified after he had been been injured for the first time. It was unsightly for their most important doctor to be in need of intense care. But he had taken that in stride as he did all other occurrences. It had been frightening, but no real harm had been done, and he was already working to replace all the inconvenient human parts.
He opens the exam room's door, revealing the dimly lit hallway behind it, patting Komaeda's shoulder as he passes to signify for him to follow. It's a a familiar set of paces down a hallway that they've walked so many times before. He's disappointed by how short their time together was this round, but he supposes that was his own poor luck showing through. There would be next time. Around the corner and just a little ways down, nested away near a corner, and he stops at the door. He tugs a key out of his pocket, with a cute little black cat keychain attached to it. ]
I'd like to ask you one more question, Komaeda-kun.
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A REALLY, REALLY POWERFUL MICROSCOPE. AND EVEN THEN IT'S ACTUALLY JUST DUST ON THE SCREEN.
Oh? In that case, perhaps I should ask you to let me keep you all to myself. But then, you would only break my heart.
[ It's a joke, of course. He knows well enough that each and ever offer would be readily refuted. If he were able to do so, Hiyori would like to ensure that he never had to let Komaeda go again. He would lock him up, chain him down, and love him so dearly that he'd never even need to think about another person again. He would meet him again every day, fall in love with him again every day, reminded him of who he was and the love they shared. But such unsavory behavior would only make his beloved resent him, and so Hiyori settles for this fleeting time.
He pushes the door open, allowing Komaeda to go first and shutting it behind him. He clicks the lock as he always does to avoid needless interruptions. Then he paces over to the desk and sits behind it, taking out the pen and pad. It's filled out quickly and efficiently, the top page torn off, to show that he's good to his word before proceeding. The moment the other wanted to leave, he only need snatch it from his hand.
It's only once he's done all of this, when he can look directly at Komaeda, that he's willing to ask his question. ]
Komaeda-kun, if you were able to cure the diseases afflicting you, would you choose to do so? If I were to offer you a cure right now, would you take it?
[ Despite the patient and kind air he kept about him, despite the massive ethics breach that he had committed here, Hiyori was nonetheless befitting of being called an Ultimate. He took hiss job seriously, and he didn't believe in offering false hope to patients that would only lead to more pain in the end, and so it was only when he had a cure that he asked. Normally he can feel relatively confident about the answer - some would jump at any sliver of hope, and some were too far gone to even consider such a possibility. He wonders which side this one will land on. ]
Edited 2021-11-15 06:04 (UTC)
(deleted comment)
OH MY GOODDDD THAT'S MY NEW WAY OF EXPLAINING HIM, HE REALLY IS
[ Komaeda's love is warm and pure, just as his own is, and the thought of it bubbles up in his chest, and he wishes he could hang onto that feeling forever. He wants to give unapologetic words of love in return, but he refrains for now, not wanting to ruin this chance to speak with him about such an important matter. It would decide how everything proceeded from here.
He nods once. It was about the diseases that had tormented his patient for so long. It was about an effort to uproot his entire life, to shape him into a completely different person than he presently was. He breathes out as Komaeda continues, closing his eyes as he considers the question presented to him. ]
Yes, of course... [ He brings his hand up to his chin, fingers curled as he deliberates. He sets the paper down on the desk so that Komaeda need not even suffer the guilt of tearing it away from him should his answer prove to be unsatisfactory. ] Well, I think I would say that luck is its own kind of force of nature. How else can you describe all of the right factors coming together to cause a person ill or good fortune by simple chance?
[ He shakes his head. He's not superstitious by any means, but nor does he think it's wrong to call a series of coincidences luck. It's a short answer, but everything past that is a subjective experience - is it good? Is it bad? Is it too much or too little? It would all depend on who one asked.
As for him... ]
I would say that in an ideal world, such things were be experienced in small doses... But I'm hardly qualified to speak on such matters.
[ The doctor stands up for a moment before bending down on one knee before his patient, resting one arm on his elbow as he leans forward. Of all the patients he's had, this is by far the one he's loved the most, and by far the saddest that he's encountered. He doesn't doubt the validity of his words. Hiyori more or less knows the details of his life. Loss after loss, tragic event after tragic event, evened out by the the bursts of good fortune that were no more warranted than the misfortune.
But how did you reach out to someone who's life was controlled by happenstance rather than effort? He had resigned himself to it a long time ago. But Hiyori was a scientist and a doctor, and he could do no such thing. ]
... No, I would say this world is not ideal, not when I have to see someone so precious to me suffer and say such heartbreaking things.
[ He seems to consider reaching out, but he keeps his his hand by his side for a little while longer. He wants to push this matter just a little bit further before he gives up on a voluntary agreement. ]
Are you certain? I truly believe that we're close to perfecting out treatments, and all tests thus far have had positive outcomes. Now, your case is a little more advanced, but even so, I believe that you would be the ideal candidate.
[ Well - perhaps that's not quite right. His advanced case meant that it would be a bit of a stretch, but they needed to do a proper stress test on their methods regardless. It was necessary to be able to treat advanced cases such as this as well, otherwise what was the point? No, catching it early was no longer good enough, not for any of them. So it is that he reaches out at last to stroke Komaeda's hair once more, that pained look returning to his face. ]
It's normal to be afraid. I don't doubt your luck, Komaeda-kun. But if I can try to help you, I'll choose to do so every time. I believe that I can... No, I would devote my entire being to proving you wrong, and for the sake of creating the world I wish for.
[ What was hope if not a promise to overcome the impossible? What was it, if not a willingness to even roll the dice hundreds of time to get the desired outcome? But he retracts his hand and lets out a small sigh. Truly, it's no surprise that people were drawn to him - his gentle personality, his fierce determination, that stark refusal to accept things as they were, and the frightening resolve to act as kindly and as cruelty as needed to see his goals through. The world would bend to his whims, not the other way around. Hiyori had always been like that. ]
But perhaps that, too, is just my selfishness. I shouldn't place such a heavy burden on you.
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that's how he gets you, he disguises himself as a cute lil pom friend
[ It's always like this, and Hiyori is always willing to accept each and every affectionate gesture and violent outburst. He adjusts his position, tucking his leg under him to kneel properly as he returns the embrace. He accepted everything, and he gave everything in return, because there was no one else in this world who would. So it is now that he pays no mind to the contradiction, instead rubbing small circles on Komaeda's back. He hopes none of the blood rubs off on his new shirt.
It was unbelievable because, in his own words, he was a person who had no hope. He was complacent. He had become so content with having no future that he was too scared to envision one. Hiyori forgives that as he does all other flaws, though, because it means that he can shape a wonderful future for his charge. He needs no opinions nor objections to his plans, though he knows he'll continue to be met with both... Ah, it was always like that though.
There's a soft gasp when he feels Koameda's lips brushing against his ear, the combination of his warm breath and soft and murmurous voice sending little shivers down his spine. It is, he thinks, a touch unfair to act in such a distracting way while rejecting him so soundly. Such a troublesome boy, causing Hiyori's heart to hammer in his chest at his whim. ]
Invalidate what I've done? No, that's not possible.
[ He's gentle, but firm in this correction, in the same way that he always reserved for such matters. The world bent to his whims, not the other way around. If it would not bend, then he would snap it in half. But he allows him to pull away all the same, tilting his head. ]
What is it, Komaeda-kun?
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they're both enablers, take himm home and just spritz him with water when he acts out
[ It reminds him of the way that his mother used to stroke his hair. His would smile, that same patient smile that he wears now, as she would question him and guide him through each and every problem. His mother would rarely give him a straight answer or shut him down, but she would guide him to the correct conclusion. Komaeda sees himself as that same guiding hand, and that too is part of what he loves so much about him. How long has it been since he saw his mother? How long since someone has tried to guide him, Sou Hiyori, who charmed and surpassed all those around him?
Ah, to think, it was only someone so hopeless and broken that could find the confidence to do so. Hiyori chuckles. Truly, this world was full of trash. ]
It's in my nature to reject cynicism, [ He agrees. He was not a man who would accept that he could not do something, no matter what that thing might be. That was, in concept, the nature of Ultimates. In practice, he has been consistently disappointed. He allows his grip to loosen, unconsciously leaning into that touch, cheeks tinting pink despite his best efforts to maintain his composure. ]
And why should I say such a thing? You say these things, Komaeda-kun, but I have yet to see any reason why I shouldn't do as I please. I have done the impossible, and I will continue to do so. [ He lets out a little sigh, loosening his grip. ]
So tell me, why I should lose faith in my abilities now?
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just let them have a cute domestic life and hopefully not torment their neighbors too much
You're right. I don't have need for you, nor anyone aside from my two companions. We've already done more than generations of talent have.
[ The talented, the untalented, they were all a single entity when presented before ASUNARO's geniuses. He's undeterred by this, though it has made the outside world boring for him. Hiyori found his own enjoyment in toying with and breaking people. He found his case experiments and he turned both those with and without so-called talent alike into something more useful to the world than their worthless lives otherwise would have been.
He knows that Komaeda won't understand, and that is fine. So he leans forward with his cute, wonderful, beloved patient in his arms, deliberately pulling him out of reach of the pen and paper alike. He holds him tight to keep him from disappearing from his arms, supporting the back of his head with one hand while the other remains wrapped around his waist. ]
But I love you, Komaeda-kun. You and no one else. I've met you so many times, and each time I've only fallen more in love with you. I told you, didn't I? I'll make no apologies for my love alone.
[ He squeezes tighter for just a moment, closing his eyes as he breathes in his scent. Linens and blood, the lingering scent of the shampoo he uses, the feeling of his body which always runs so cool. Hiyori takes all off that in for just a moment more before he looses his grip, letting his arms sink down. ]
So, you should understand why I also won't apologize for wanting to help the person I love most, nor will I explain it. When I see you, my heart races, and I all at once remember why I've chosen this path. To see the person I love most find happiness and hope themselves... Yes, I can think of nothing I want more from this life.
[ Is that selfish? Perhaps, but he's used up all his talent and hopes on others already. For the sake of his own success, Hiyori allowed his talents to be utilized - by those he loved, by those he didn't, by those who could only be of use to him by acting as stepping stones. So, he thinks that by now it's only fair that he should choose to live and help those who he loves and those who he pleases. He picks the goals he wants, picks the patients he wants, and picks the love he wants.
Ahhh, he always such a romantic thinker. No wonder Komaeda sees him as so foolish. Then, before he can be rejected, he quickly adds: ]
It's alright, Komaeda-kun. I don't mind if my feelings are unrequited. You understand that by now, right? But all the same, even if you too refuse to acknowledge me, I will continue to love you with my entire being.
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he'll make his cute husband cute bento and welcome him home every day and dote endlessly
[ He takes his free hand, cupping Komaeda's face. He's worried the boy enough, and with any more he might do more harm than good with his little story. So he throws that in there for flavor, although it's only half true; the talent of those at Hope's Peak astounding him. It was an excellent scouting ground, even if the faculty was rotten trash. Trash that couldn't abide by his warning. Trash that was causing his cute, lovely patient such harm.
Yes, he believes it's time for a much bigger shock. One that threatens to collapse it. ]
The faculty, too, had simply made a small mistake, you'll think at first - but listen to me until the end, okay, Komaeda-kun? You'll see why it's not. The three of us were prepared to shape the world, while others decided that it was our fault that they had fallen behind in their own talents! All while I was clung to as their great prodigy... Ah, I couldn't stand to see my dear classmates dragged down by such ideas as "it doesn't matter what I do, Hiyori was just born talented"... It was like a taint threatening to spread. It was fracturing the collective whole.
[ He let's put a heavy sigh, shaking his head, and then smiles. ]
That's why... For the sake of my dear classmates, I resolved to remove that taint... No, that's not quite right. I believe in your words, I decided to turn them into stepping stones, one at a time. Their ultimate prodigy, Sou Hiyori, was made a scapegoat for that, but...
[ He sighs, but the look on his face is pure bliss. How bright those days has been, how wonderful. What a wonderful warning he had sent! How his schoolmates had banded together, how the faulty had panicked! How they had all at once realized how frail they all were!
He leaves out the details; he omits his accomplices, for he's protected them for this long. But he smiles. ]
... But, Komaeda-kun, just by the two names I've spoken I'm sure you should know all the others from my class. Wouldn't you say they shine brilliantly now?
[ Those who were left, anyway. He's not wrong, either - those who hadn't crumbled before their loss had excelled, even when compared to other ultimates. Their trauma had become power, a fierce determination to prevent another tragedy from occurring.
He pulls his hands back now. ]
You may resent me if you wish, but I won't apologize for what I did. Because I was able to be the shock to the system... And how brilliant it's shine is now, even more than when I entered... No, I don't believe any of us made mistakes at all, though you might be too young to understand.
[ So brilliant, so close to the sun that it's wax wings would melt. Ah, to think that they hadn't learned anything at all...
But he still remembers the screams. The despair. The failed investigations. The coordination and foolish faith in him. He remembers the brilliant red stains. But most of all, Hiyori remembers it as the first moment when he had felt pure ecstasy. ]
komaeda just accept his love already, every last drop of it
It was only the two he'd met there that had saved him. He had won them over easily, too, with the false face of a humble prodigy that he had worn then. They despised him now, having seen his true face, but the three of them still worked well together. Three brilliant minds that had been wasted on a toxic cesspit, just as all young talent there was. Just as his precious Komaeda was. So he handles the entire affair with patience until the final question comes, and he offers a gentle laugh in return. ]
As I thought, you're still a bit too young to understand, Komaeda-kun.
[ Whether Komaeda chooses to see it as hope as despair, there's no denying the affection in his voice - a love that reaches his eyes. He had no respect for that school, nor the riff-raft that had clung to him so pitifully, but those few that had garnered his attention still held his adoration. Those he had killed, too, were the deepest objects of his affection for the good they'd done him. They were worthless creatures, good only for the action that they spurred. Ah, such pleasant, wonderful memories... He etched each and every one into his mind so that he might remember it always, locked it away in his heart, and he shares it now because he's finally found something that equals the love her felt back then. ]
No, it was because I could overcome my despair that I acted. Despair is paralyzing, it locks you in place and shackles you down like a disease. That, too, is why you must be vigilant, so it doesn't creep in and eat you away from the inside.
[ But he does nod now. ]
I can't tell you why those few failed, but I believe they were there for a purpose. I believe that they were there so the collective could succeed. If you were to look them up now, you would see that those of my class have been among the most successful, Komaeda-kun. They have succeeded, the school has far more stringent measures now, and I traded my life amongst them for a life that nonetheless satisfies me. Would you call that a sacrifice?
[ Hmmm... ]
But if I were to explain my motives... I can only say that it was an act of love. I loved each and every one of them with my whole being, so much so that I would kill for them. So much so that I despaired for them, and so much so that I overcame that for them. Not a single one of them could reach my level, and yet that only made me love them more. I wanted to protect those precious people.
[ He could kill for them, and he had, in the most gruesome ways possible. Komaeda, he thinks, is too young to understand that those Ultimates were human too. He was too broken to recognize that they would flounder and panic when confronted with such a great talent as the three of them had been. But love was a universal force, just as hope was, and Hiyori hopes that this alone will be understood.
He repeats himself once more: ]
You may judge me if you wish. I stay silent out of respect, not regret. That, too, is my love.
[ Love is gracious, love is kind, and love offers no apologies. In that, he supposes that perhaps Komaeda is the yin to his yang. Komaeda destroyed himself out of love, Hiyori destroyed others out of love. One saw it as the birthplace of hope, the other saw it as a shackle that tied talent down. ]
*yet*
He allows it to be by design, though, that mistake that they had made. They had made a few into their singular hope and flocked around it without once considering what would happen if someone were to pull that string free. He had given himself a shock to his own system in turn. It had allowed Hiyori to find his true identity, to deal with conflict and struggle, and adjusted. It should have been a mutually beneficial outcome. But they had covered it up and erased his existence, and he had thrived in his new reality while that place had remained the same. They were still playing games, and even more dangerous ones now, trying to pin their hopes down on a single person.
He pats Komaeda's head before he pulls away, straightening himself up. ]
Of course. I won't tell you how to think, Komaeda-kun. You need to see the world and judge it for yourself, just as I have. I tell you all of this so that you can decide for yourself what occurred. If you think that my love destroys, then it does. Though, hm, I suppose my talent does afford me the unique opportunity to decide if I should hurt or heal, doesn't it?
[ He takes the needle off the table now, along with the few other items he had set there, and works on putting them safely away and out of his patient's reach. Then he goes through a cabinet and pulls out a shirt that's draped over his arm, and a drawer and finds a washcloth, running it under warm water. He continues as he turns the faucet off, wringing it out, ]
Harai-san, Namida-san, and of course myself have that amazing power. The three of us are enough to reduce even the talented to the majority... No, any one of us is enough to do that. That's a truly frightening power, don't you think? You start to lose touch with others if you're not careful. So, I suppose if I hadn't met those two, I might have destroyed this entire world with my love.
[ He wipes the turns on his heel and walks back and offers the cloth to Komaeda to wipe any remaining blood off before setting the shirt on the table next to him. ]
The shirt might be a little big on you, but it should fit well enough. [ He can't go out looking as he does, after all. He continues seamlessly: ] As it is, the two I mentioned have tempered me... Hm, you could say that my true work is done by their side, and they remind me daily of how frail the world is when compared to us... Is that hard to understand? Well, it's enough that you know that most of the modern day miracles have been our accomplishments.
[ Her runs his finger over the shirt. That, he suppose, would make it strange that he played the role of a mere doctor so readily then. ]
... So then, I've told you a lot, Komaeda-kun. I want you to form your own opinions, because you're far smarter than you give yourself credit for, and I enjoy your thoughts far more than my own. You now know my history. You now know the work that I have outside of this office. So then, can you tell me why I do the work that I do here? Do you believe this to be a destructive love?
damnit komaeda they're not vampires they can't just drink your blood
But he's taken away each dangerous object, and he sees that some of the color has returned to his patient now that the blood has been injected into his system. He still looked rough, but far better, and he makes a note to force him to have a few cookies and some juice before he leaves. But he enjoys the take that he's given, and he determines it only fitting not to contract the narrative that has been assigned to him. He had not murdered for despair, he had murdered because had overcome despair. It was always love that gave him strength, taht spurred him into each and every action then and now. ]
Hm, I see, then that is the narrative that you've assigned to me... Yes, as I thought, you truly are a gifted child. It's a wonderful story. You are correct. But I have never acted out of despair, Komaeda-kun. I have only ever acted out of love. It was love that has ever guided my hand.
[ He affords that one small correction and nothing more. It truly is a pleasant story to be assigned, and he thinks that he might opt to use it for himself going forward. It was far more grim, far more terrifying, and far more palatable to the ignorant masses to think of a man who had simply could not understand the importance of human bonds. He has no need for them, but Hiyori understands well that others do. It was because of his talent alone that he could be freed from such things - that once in a generation talent that had allowed others to grow so soft and lazy in their efforts.
He doesn't seem to terribly mind the lack of a direct answer, either. Instead, Hiyori will answer the question that had been presented to him: ]
I ask you because I want to know your opinion, Komaeda-kun. Do you go throughout life only looking through your left eye? Of course not. If you did, you would miss half the world. You need both eyes in order to see it completely. You need both eyes to see that depth.
[ He shakes his head. ]
Stories are the same way. You must share them with others to see what they're truly like. Now that I've heard Komaeda-kun, I believe I can say that I am one step closer to seeing myself with both eyes open... Or perhaps you think it's strange that I put myself among the majority and seek out their opinions? Why, I would think it would be the height of foolishness to disconnect yourself from the views of them. Much as I need both my eyes, I need to be able to look up, and I need to be able to look down, and I need to look straight ahead to see the entire world. Komaeda-kun, who can only look up as he goes through life, who is both equal to and beneath me, offers a view to me that no one else can.
it's not normal but midori is a vampire so it probably would be fine to feed it to him
Komaeda, his precious patient, who had gained the love that no ultimate could now. Komaeda, whose love was so pure and honest that it made his heart skip a beat. Komaeda, his cute, precious patient, whose brilliance was wasted. For that cute Komaeda, he forces a pained smile that he gradually trains into something more natural. He offers a nervous little laugh in response to the final question, remorse creeping into it. ]
Y-yes, of course... [ His voice falters for just a second before he corrects it, ] I apologize, Komaeda-kun, I shouldn't demand so much of you.
[ He has no interest in the thoughts of other Ultimates, who all came to the same drab conclusions. It was like glimpsing into an echo chamber, back then and even now. It so often manage to be even more tiring than dealing with the drab majority, who had least made every effort to struggle their way to talent and would occasionally stumble onto something of interest. Every once in awhile one of them would come to him, and he would see their charm and talent, and he would extract every last thought and feeling out as he showered them with every last bit of affection.
Ultimates were no different. If he wanted to, he only need take them, and they would bend before him. He could give them all of his love, but their thoughts were rarely anything he couldn't think of himself. When compared to that, the person before him and their blunt rejection was something that could leave his heart pounding in his chest.
He shifts the subject: ]
And I did promise that I would discharge you if you cooperated, didn't I? You did well, and I'm sure that you've had enough of me for one day, so why don't I write you that letter now? If you wouldn't mind coming back to my office for just a minute... I seem to have forgotten to bring my pen and pad with me.
A DECENT HUMAN BEING FOR ONE THING
I suppose I do. My aide is always scolding me... But, we should go together.
[ There is no aide when he cares for Komaeda, though. There was no one except for Hiyori. He considers offering to transfer him to another doctor, but decides against it. It was too likely that he would take up on it, and that would lead to further complications. The issue of him wanting to continue caring for his favorite patient aside, there was the little issue that no one else wanted him. It was truly poor luck on Komaeda's part that even the most patient of their staff no longer saw him as worth it.
That sentiment had only intensified after he had been been injured for the first time. It was unsightly for their most important doctor to be in need of intense care. But he had taken that in stride as he did all other occurrences. It had been frightening, but no real harm had been done, and he was already working to replace all the inconvenient human parts.
He opens the exam room's door, revealing the dimly lit hallway behind it, patting Komaeda's shoulder as he passes to signify for him to follow. It's a a familiar set of paces down a hallway that they've walked so many times before. He's disappointed by how short their time together was this round, but he supposes that was his own poor luck showing through. There would be next time. Around the corner and just a little ways down, nested away near a corner, and he stops at the door. He tugs a key out of his pocket, with a cute little black cat keychain attached to it. ]
I'd like to ask you one more question, Komaeda-kun.
A REALLY, REALLY POWERFUL MICROSCOPE. AND EVEN THEN IT'S ACTUALLY JUST DUST ON THE SCREEN.
[ It's a joke, of course. He knows well enough that each and ever offer would be readily refuted. If he were able to do so, Hiyori would like to ensure that he never had to let Komaeda go again. He would lock him up, chain him down, and love him so dearly that he'd never even need to think about another person again. He would meet him again every day, fall in love with him again every day, reminded him of who he was and the love they shared. But such unsavory behavior would only make his beloved resent him, and so Hiyori settles for this fleeting time.
He pushes the door open, allowing Komaeda to go first and shutting it behind him. He clicks the lock as he always does to avoid needless interruptions. Then he paces over to the desk and sits behind it, taking out the pen and pad. It's filled out quickly and efficiently, the top page torn off, to show that he's good to his word before proceeding. The moment the other wanted to leave, he only need snatch it from his hand.
It's only once he's done all of this, when he can look directly at Komaeda, that he's willing to ask his question. ]
Komaeda-kun, if you were able to cure the diseases afflicting you, would you choose to do so? If I were to offer you a cure right now, would you take it?
[ Despite the patient and kind air he kept about him, despite the massive ethics breach that he had committed here, Hiyori was nonetheless befitting of being called an Ultimate. He took hiss job seriously, and he didn't believe in offering false hope to patients that would only lead to more pain in the end, and so it was only when he had a cure that he asked. Normally he can feel relatively confident about the answer - some would jump at any sliver of hope, and some were too far gone to even consider such a possibility. He wonders which side this one will land on. ]
OH MY GOODDDD THAT'S MY NEW WAY OF EXPLAINING HIM, HE REALLY IS
[ Komaeda's love is warm and pure, just as his own is, and the thought of it bubbles up in his chest, and he wishes he could hang onto that feeling forever. He wants to give unapologetic words of love in return, but he refrains for now, not wanting to ruin this chance to speak with him about such an important matter. It would decide how everything proceeded from here.
He nods once. It was about the diseases that had tormented his patient for so long. It was about an effort to uproot his entire life, to shape him into a completely different person than he presently was. He breathes out as Komaeda continues, closing his eyes as he considers the question presented to him. ]
Yes, of course... [ He brings his hand up to his chin, fingers curled as he deliberates. He sets the paper down on the desk so that Komaeda need not even suffer the guilt of tearing it away from him should his answer prove to be unsatisfactory. ] Well, I think I would say that luck is its own kind of force of nature. How else can you describe all of the right factors coming together to cause a person ill or good fortune by simple chance?
[ He shakes his head. He's not superstitious by any means, but nor does he think it's wrong to call a series of coincidences luck. It's a short answer, but everything past that is a subjective experience - is it good? Is it bad? Is it too much or too little? It would all depend on who one asked.
As for him... ]
I would say that in an ideal world, such things were be experienced in small doses... But I'm hardly qualified to speak on such matters.
he gobbles them all up like the big bad wolf
But how did you reach out to someone who's life was controlled by happenstance rather than effort? He had resigned himself to it a long time ago. But Hiyori was a scientist and a doctor, and he could do no such thing. ]
... No, I would say this world is not ideal, not when I have to see someone so precious to me suffer and say such heartbreaking things.
[ He seems to consider reaching out, but he keeps his his hand by his side for a little while longer. He wants to push this matter just a little bit further before he gives up on a voluntary agreement. ]
Are you certain? I truly believe that we're close to perfecting out treatments, and all tests thus far have had positive outcomes. Now, your case is a little more advanced, but even so, I believe that you would be the ideal candidate.
[ Well - perhaps that's not quite right. His advanced case meant that it would be a bit of a stretch, but they needed to do a proper stress test on their methods regardless. It was necessary to be able to treat advanced cases such as this as well, otherwise what was the point? No, catching it early was no longer good enough, not for any of them. So it is that he reaches out at last to stroke Komaeda's hair once more, that pained look returning to his face. ]
It's normal to be afraid. I don't doubt your luck, Komaeda-kun. But if I can try to help you, I'll choose to do so every time. I believe that I can... No, I would devote my entire being to proving you wrong, and for the sake of creating the world I wish for.
[ What was hope if not a promise to overcome the impossible? What was it, if not a willingness to even roll the dice hundreds of time to get the desired outcome? But he retracts his hand and lets out a small sigh. Truly, it's no surprise that people were drawn to him - his gentle personality, his fierce determination, that stark refusal to accept things as they were, and the frightening resolve to act as kindly and as cruelty as needed to see his goals through. The world would bend to his whims, not the other way around. Hiyori had always been like that. ]
But perhaps that, too, is just my selfishness. I shouldn't place such a heavy burden on you.
that's how he gets you, he disguises himself as a cute lil pom friend
It was unbelievable because, in his own words, he was a person who had no hope. He was complacent. He had become so content with having no future that he was too scared to envision one. Hiyori forgives that as he does all other flaws, though, because it means that he can shape a wonderful future for his charge. He needs no opinions nor objections to his plans, though he knows he'll continue to be met with both... Ah, it was always like that though.
There's a soft gasp when he feels Koameda's lips brushing against his ear, the combination of his warm breath and soft and murmurous voice sending little shivers down his spine. It is, he thinks, a touch unfair to act in such a distracting way while rejecting him so soundly. Such a troublesome boy, causing Hiyori's heart to hammer in his chest at his whim. ]
Invalidate what I've done? No, that's not possible.
[ He's gentle, but firm in this correction, in the same way that he always reserved for such matters. The world bent to his whims, not the other way around. If it would not bend, then he would snap it in half. But he allows him to pull away all the same, tilting his head. ]
What is it, Komaeda-kun?
they're both enablers, take himm home and just spritz him with water when he acts out
Ah, to think, it was only someone so hopeless and broken that could find the confidence to do so. Hiyori chuckles. Truly, this world was full of trash. ]
It's in my nature to reject cynicism, [ He agrees. He was not a man who would accept that he could not do something, no matter what that thing might be. That was, in concept, the nature of Ultimates. In practice, he has been consistently disappointed. He allows his grip to loosen, unconsciously leaning into that touch, cheeks tinting pink despite his best efforts to maintain his composure. ]
And why should I say such a thing? You say these things, Komaeda-kun, but I have yet to see any reason why I shouldn't do as I please. I have done the impossible, and I will continue to do so.
[ He lets out a little sigh, loosening his grip. ]
So tell me, why I should lose faith in my abilities now?
just let them have a cute domestic life and hopefully not torment their neighbors too much
[ The talented, the untalented, they were all a single entity when presented before ASUNARO's geniuses. He's undeterred by this, though it has made the outside world boring for him. Hiyori found his own enjoyment in toying with and breaking people. He found his case experiments and he turned both those with and without so-called talent alike into something more useful to the world than their worthless lives otherwise would have been.
He knows that Komaeda won't understand, and that is fine. So he leans forward with his cute, wonderful, beloved patient in his arms, deliberately pulling him out of reach of the pen and paper alike. He holds him tight to keep him from disappearing from his arms, supporting the back of his head with one hand while the other remains wrapped around his waist. ]
But I love you, Komaeda-kun. You and no one else. I've met you so many times, and each time I've only fallen more in love with you. I told you, didn't I? I'll make no apologies for my love alone.
[ He squeezes tighter for just a moment, closing his eyes as he breathes in his scent. Linens and blood, the lingering scent of the shampoo he uses, the feeling of his body which always runs so cool. Hiyori takes all off that in for just a moment more before he looses his grip, letting his arms sink down. ]
So, you should understand why I also won't apologize for wanting to help the person I love most, nor will I explain it. When I see you, my heart races, and I all at once remember why I've chosen this path. To see the person I love most find happiness and hope themselves... Yes, I can think of nothing I want more from this life.
[ Is that selfish? Perhaps, but he's used up all his talent and hopes on others already. For the sake of his own success, Hiyori allowed his talents to be utilized - by those he loved, by those he didn't, by those who could only be of use to him by acting as stepping stones. So, he thinks that by now it's only fair that he should choose to live and help those who he loves and those who he pleases. He picks the goals he wants, picks the patients he wants, and picks the love he wants.
Ahhh, he always such a romantic thinker. No wonder Komaeda sees him as so foolish. Then, before he can be rejected, he quickly adds: ]
It's alright, Komaeda-kun. I don't mind if my feelings are unrequited. You understand that by now, right? But all the same, even if you too refuse to acknowledge me, I will continue to love you with my entire being.
THEY WILL BE LOUD look maybe they'll get lucky and get the neighbors that are never home
true but look like they're both rich af couldn't they just like buy out the adjacent apartments
lbr they're just two rich horny bastards
then he gets kicked outside and can't kiss him for hours bc he just ate pure sugar
not soon enough
yes so hurry up and stab him preferably in the stomach
they were just meant to be
IT'S FINE harai is going to kill him now so we don't have to worry
he did know better and has done this before....... but they still need him so maybe he live
it's fiiiiiiiiiine asunaro controls the cops too so they technically already have him
THEY JUST LITERALLY CONTROL EVERYTHING????? it's crazy idgi
SEE THIS IS WHY THEY NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT NEIGHBORS midori got connections
somebody needs to call keiji in particular. or alice. alice can kill him.
MTTD omg i'm CRYING!! poor alice, gonna crack under the pressure (jk he'd probably be happy to)
dear god he really does have junko energy doesn't he? i shudder to think of those two coordinating
dear lord now we really can't let that happen, that would be a disaster
being crushed by the weight of retail hell but i'm team househusband sorry
he's already mean and hot though????? look at him
idk he's constantly thinkin' bout killing all of komaeda's not-friends i'd say that's mean
NO SEE THIS IS GREAT then he can get new friends who don't hate him and aren't terrible
to be fair he'd at least tell him to be friends w/ ppl who don't hate him