[ Komaeda is always like this, and over time he's learned all those little quirks and habits that make him up. He was emotional and difficult, impulsive and irrational, and he so often made up every reason that he could as to why people acted as they did except the one that made sense to everyone else around him. If he were in a better state of mind, he could no doubt handle this as well, but he's not. His limbs are wobbly, his mind is foggy, and his senses are dull.
It stings to hear those words once Hiyori's finally able to process them, and he's still not quite able to work through exactly what was going on or what had gone wrong, just that his presence was no longer wanted. His hand lifts to reach out - for him? For the bottle? For something else entirely? Before it drops back down, less out of willpower (he never seemed to run out of that) and more because he's having a hard time moving. ]
Komaeda-kun...!
[ He slumps, uncertain of what to say. It wasn't a desire to be away, that closeness would have been fine if not for the additional efforts. Perhaps he should crawl over to his office instead. He misses his job, and he misses work, and even getting nothing done. Even if it was nothing, or even if it was wrong, he had an AI to help correct for that later. He wants to spend time with Komaeda, and he wants to go back to work, but only one of those seems to be an option.
Saying that he wants somebody else... He's so insensitive. ]
[ There's an unhappy little sound when Komaeda mentions leaving and it really is more like dealing with a little kid than a grown adult. It would be ill-advised to leave in this weather, if only because he would be soaking wet by the time he was home. Even if he didn't want to be around Hiyori, it was easy enough to hide in the guest bedroom. But as with everything else, that disappears quickly, as does his anxiety from before. He truly is just living second to second.
And so at the earliest opportunity he's going to pull his legs forward and work on slipping them under him, sluggishly adjusting his position just enough that he can lean forward to try and press his face against the poor Komaeda. It's hard for him to move his limbs, but his hands find purchase around Komaeda's back as his fingers loosely grip the fabric to hold himself in place. ]
Komaeda-kun...!
[ He draws out every syllable in the name as he says it, and then does it a second time for good measure, and in truth it's more of a pitiful whine than anything else. He's clearly unhappy about something, though he's being completely unhelpful about helping anyone determine exactly what that something might be. ]
[ The only answer Komaeda will get is a drawn out whine and a shake of the head. But Hiyori shivers under his touch, but those efforts are rewarded as he seems to calm down after a time. He lets out a sigh, burying his face against Komaeda, and consequently his answer is muffled. ]
It's storming out... You'll get sick...
[ That doesn't seem to be the concern that he started with, but it has moved to the top of his mind. A cold was a virus, and it couldn't be caught just by standing in the rain, but there were several other health complications that could result from standing in the pouring rain for a long period of time. He wouldn't feel right sending him off. If he wanted to be away from him, he could lock himself up in the guest bedroom and it would have the same effect.
He mumbles his name again before letting out a little sigh, still not seeming willing to pull away even a little, and it really is like a kid clinging to a parent for their attention. ]
Mm... I love you... You're not supposed to be upset with me... You can't just say that you want somebody ellseeeeeee...
[ It's a petulant and childish complaint (and it gets three times as petulant with that last complaint. Wthout a doubt his chief concern is that Komaeda said he wanted somebody else, which is probably also the easiest issue for his drug-addled brain to latch onto, but he does seem to have the bigger issue of his consistently upsetting him. ]
[ His eyes close as he listens. Just Hinata... He lets out a little sigh, clinging a little tighter. What a dishonest person. He would grow upset and heartbroken at just the slightest misgiving, and need to b held back from leaving, all the while no doubt wanting to be stopped - whether or not he realized it. But a person who he didn't have to defer to was different. That was somebody he could be honest with, a person that he could bond with.
He adjusts his own position a bit as Komaeda does, settling against him more comfortably. He's cozy, despite his low vitals and gaunt frame. He leans his head back enough to look up, resting just his chin on him now. A kiss, hm... It might... ]
Only if you want it.
[ Because it didn't mean anything if it was just him ordering it, not when Hiyori was looking to be wanted. He's jealous of his past self, who didn't have to deal with these frustrating details, although he had hit something of dead end by then. Could he have pushed things all the way as a simple brilliant doctor? He's not sure, but it would have been a mess of its own.
He breathes out another little sigh. ]
I'm always at my best... [ Current circumstances notwithstanding. ] I don't carry that title anymore, Komaeda-kun. I'm just Sou Hiyori, see?
[ He shouldn't argue like this, since it was beneficial to him, but he's not quite thinking clearly. There's no need to chase him and continue to press him as though he were still a part of that world, there were plenty of others... Well, they were good enough for somebody so starstruck and some of them seemed fine enough. ]
[ What can he do...? Well now, that depends on his whims as much as his patients, now doesn't it? He could bend and break and traumatize, and he could weaponize his skills so much as to cause people to repress selective memories, he could leave a person a former husk of their former selves. He could heal and preform medical miracles to save lives, he could build them up to be something greater than they could have ever hoped to be. He could birth new lives and recreate others with just the tapping of his fingers.
He did all of that and more. If he had to choose, it was more satisfying to break, to test the limitations of a person. But that didn't erase the pleasure of healing, of knowing people were indebted to him, of seeing his influence and talent grow in both directions.
What could he do for Nagito Komaeda...? What could the answer be, except anything that he wants?
He feel Komaeda's fist on his back, and he knows that he's struck a nerve, that he should walk the conversation back. There was no need to stress Komaeda out at a moment when he has no ability to speak, much less handle any problems that arise. But his mind is muggy, and his filter is off, so he doesn't. ]
That title is mine alone... I can use it as I please.
[ He'll acknowledge that, at least. It was because no one else could replicate him, and it was because no one else worked as hard as him. ]
But why would clinging to a title make me any more special...? What can a title do for anyone?
[ The answer is indirect and without a trace of his usual elegance. Komaeda shouldn't need the answer hand fed to him. He's special for everything that he was before. He's special because he's only gained more, done more since then. Sou Hiyori is special because his ability to pick up the scalpel was never tied to some arbitrary claim.
Without realizing that he's still speaking, Hiyori - a man to whom "Ultimate Surgeon" is just one of many titles and credentials - looks to the side and adds: ]
I can't stand people who idolize titles. People should think for themselves.
[ It's a general statement, one that's not really directed toward present company. ]
[ Hiyori has always been sensitive to danger, and now is no exception. He senses it, and he has the distinct sense that he needs to act swiftly to snuff it out. But the drugs have settled in and ruined his capacity to do so - he's tired, his body sluggish, his mind only halfway functional and his emotions dampened. He doesn't immediately respond to the suggestion (order?) but he does unwrap himself from around Komaeda at long last in what is by itself a clear refusal.
The extra work? No, that was his life. His work as a surgeon was important. It was the subject that he dedicated himself to most even now, with much of his continuing education and research related to it, but he had so many passions and talents - hard sciences and soft sciences and technology and arts. "Surgeon" might be one of the many titles that he held, and it was the most important of the individual parts, but it was part of an interwoven web.
He stares blankly, focusing on counting his breaths as he tries to collect his thoughts on the matter. He's not articulate enough to expression his thoughts, but through that he knows that his work as Sou Hiyori was everything to him. He's not sure why the idea of losing that scares him so much, but he knows that it does. After all, who would he be then? Who would he be without that? ]
... I see.
[ That's the only response he offers, and it's probably the nicest one that he can in his current position. But he shakes his head, trying to dismiss it from his head for how much the very concept agitates him even now. No, it's the opposite. He needs to get back to his work quickly. He needs to do more, and to be much, much more than he is now.
He glances to the side again, wincing as he properly leans back against the sofa. ]
Ah, you can use the guest bedroom tonight if you'd like. It should be fairly tidy.
[ Is that him refusing to properly acknowledge the suggestion? It sure is. ]
[ He realizes after a moment that he was being too harsh, and shakes his head. No, he souldn't let himself get like this either... He's being too emotional, and he's upsetting him. ]
... I'm sorry, Komaeda-kun. I love hearing your thoughts, but I can't give you what you want. I won't give up everything that makes me myself.
[ That's why the kindest thing he can do is acknowledge those feelings and move on - no, that's not right, being direct like this is far kinder. But even then, it's a twisted version of everything that Hiyori wants for others. It was up to each person to judge those around them. It was up to each person to decide what they wanted. It was not their duty to look to others and force them to live their lives a certain way. He has to live as Sou Hiyori, for himself and for no one else.
Komaeda can't understand that because he lives for others, thinks of others, and never once stops to think of his own wants and needs.
He sighs and presses his palm to his forehead, willing his head to clear up. Normally he's so much better than this... He can't be hurting people like this... He watches Komaeda walk away, and the sense that he should do something strikes him. But what is that? He's not sure.
Getting himself off the floor seems like as good of a start as any. He twists around, shifting onto his knees and placing his hand on the edge of the sofa. Fortunately, he's managed to get around his house (and fallen) enough to at least have learned that he can lift himself up off the ground if needed. One knee goes up as he solidly places his foot on the floor. He has to stay that way for several seconds, once more counting his breath, before he can finally work up the willpower to shove himself off the ground and to his feet. Hiyori wobbles a little once up, but he manages to keep himself standing.
He shakes his head and lets out another sigh, mumbling to himself. ]
People need to think for themselves, and make their own decisions... Why is that so hard to understand...?
[ How childish. It tends to be like this. Even though it was just a rejection of deciding another person's life, it was being taken as a rejection of the act of thinking at all. Hiyori manages to straighten himself up, an act that leaves him dizzy, but he manages to push through it. He makes it to the armrest and leans on the back of it for several seconds, hesitant to answer the second question. He doesn't want to hurt his feelings any further, but it feels wrong to brush everything under the rug like that, and he's not retaining things well.
Gotta focus... ]
... Ah, maybe in a little while? I think I ate too much...
[ Which isn't a lie, he ate fairly light most days, but he tended to have a second stomach for dessert. Right now, though, he's more worried about Komaeda. He had been ready to cry. Why had it hurt him so much...? It wasn't as though abandoning all of his other pursuits would let him dedicate more time to his "talent," it would just leave him with a glaring empty space in his schedule.
Despite needing to move slowly, or perhaps because of it, he manages to keep his footsteps as light as ever. ]
I'm still a surgeon, you know... That's one of my jobs, and I do far more continuing education than I need to...
[ He has to stop to speak, and his back aches from the continued movement, but he's managing well enough. He wishes he weren't on this medication, that he didn't need it. ]
But my passion is caring for others. I could never lazily tie myself to just one thing and say that was good enough... That's what made me their greatest prodigy... That's why I'm still the best in my field.
[ Talent, intellect, charisma, passion - he truly had it all. That comes out a little more coherently, and it's not hard to imagine that he's said most of those pieces dozens of times at one point or another, albeit perhaps not together. He continues his slow steps, finally giving Komaeda a chance to respond. Even this is based purely on what dredges of his memory he can cling to, little pieces of habit that remain.
He makes his way into the kitchen where Komaeda is. He takes note of the bottle of pills and grabs it along the way, tucking it into a pocket before he slips up behind Komaeda, pressing up on his back and wrapping his arms around him, chin dropping on his shoulder.
If he wasn't crippled and on drugs, this probably would've happened ages ago. Fortunately, he is, so Komaeda had plenty of time to do anything he needed to. ]
Besides, what would I do with that much free time...? Hm... Perhaps I should spend it all with Komaeda-kun...?
[ It could almost be teasing, but he sounds pretty serious about it. ]
[ i did a strength roll for fun and he got a 1 this time
Hiyori feels his teeth snap together as a shoulder bounces up and into his chin. He can't help the slight chuckle that follows, but he does feel a little bad. His footsteps had always been light, and his presence was easy to miss if one wasn't paying attention. He wraps his arms around him a little more tightly as Komaeda tries to pull away, pressing himself more firmly against him. ]
I didn't mean to frighten you... But you haven't answered my question.
[ What would he do with his life, if not devoting himself to his passions? if not working? What purpose would there be left for him then? He turns his head to look to Komaeda, but even with that glazed look it's not hard to see the concern on his face. He exhales, trying to think of the right way to handle this. It should come naturally to him, but it doesn't, and he just finds himself standing there uselessly. ]
You were about to cry, Komaeda-kun What's really bothering you? ... If I promise to listen, and take it seriously, will you tell me?
[ He doesn't seem to have noticed the white on the plate, at least, though he barely seems to have paid it more than the glance he gave when it flopped onto it. It's doubtful that he'll be able to get anything out of him now, Komaeda always shut himself up so fast and he's in no state to drag those feelings out, but he has to try. Hiyori has always been sensitive to changes in people, and he thinks if he doesn't at least try now, there won't be another chance. ]
Why do you hate Sou Hiyori so much? At least tell me that.
[ Perhaps they were both only good for one thing in Komaeda's eyes.
...
Perhaps it would be better if he removed himself until he had more presence of mind. ]
[ Ah, even the strong drugs he's on can't completely numb the pain that comes with those words. His eyes widen and his mouth parts, his fingers digging into the fabric of his shirt and every muscle in his body seems to tense up, before it falls slack all at once. His grip loosens, and he inclines his head so it can lean again Komaeda's for just a moment. Only one purpose indeed. It's not a surprise, but to hear it put into words... ]
That's... [ He cuts off, a little quiver in his voice that's gone by time he continues, ] That's alright, I'm used to it.
[ There were those at Hope's Peak, of course, and his fellow Ultimates had no love for them. But it wasn't only them. There were patients who hated him, there were patients' families who despised him, and there were the people who he'd broken beyond repair who despised him... Yes, there were so many people who hated him as a natural consequence of his career that it had ceased to matter long ago. There were so many more who loved him. He gives another small, slightly dazed smile to show that no harm has been done.
Hiyori ignores the cake. His eyes stay on Komaeda. ]
I love you, Komaeda-kun, every part of you. The parts that are passionate and selfless, the parts that are selfless and petulant and dishonest... I love the parts of you that you hate...
[ Another small laugh. He seems to be over the shock. ]
I'll love the part of you that hates me, too... So I'll let go now.
[ Because love was letting go, and no one wanted to be held by someone they hated. But he clings for another moment, pulling him closer as he closes his eyes. He exhales through his nose. Even in this state, where he can't articulate himself, he knows those words. He knows them because it's like a mantra, something that he's said so many times that he's lost count - just with small addition now. But that moment passes, and his grip loosens as he forces himself through the motions of trying to pull away - it's about as easy as anything else is at this moment. ]
[ Hiyori notices that hand, and it causes him to pause, and his movements stop entirely when he watches Komaeda hold himself. It's hard to think, but those signs would be impossible to miss. He watches for a moment, considering whether he should stay or go. It wouldn't do to force the matter if that was how he felt. At any rate, there was no sense in trying to pretend he was a person that he'd never been - his talent had never been constrained to his title. That had, he thinks, been chosen solely due to how exclusive it felt. It was one more for their pile.
He settles on staying for the moment after giving it some thought, wrapping his arms around Komaeda once more to pull him close. He can only hold the position for a short time before one hand has to move to the edge of the counter to help stabilize himself. That's what he wants. It's about what he wants, but it's also not. So though he keeps one arm around Komaeda, as tight as his weakened grip can manage, he says, ]
... I'll stay until you tell me to leave.
[ He can't do any of the things he normally would. There's none of his normal tact, none of the responsiveness, but he at least remembers to do this much. He can still tell Komaeda his worth just with this one action. His back is aching, but it's manageable for the moment. This position isn't as bad as it could be. So whether it's a minute or an hour, he thinks he can manage this much. ]
[ That cake definitely has not escaped his notice and it won't go to waste, as he does pay it a quick glance, but he's keeping his attention on Komaeda as promised. No sweets, no talk of his job or patients, or his hobbies, or anything else. Nor the pain that comes in waves. He'll stay here for now, though. It's manageable, and it will remain so until whenever his limbs decide to give out on him.
It takes him a little longer, but he does loop back round to something Komaeda said, ]
... I've always been like this, Komaeda-kun. I can be happy because I live and love as I choose.
[ Was that selfish? Was that wrong? Perhaps it was, but it was what allowed him to live. There was no causing him to stray off his path because it was always something he chose for himself. He rubs soothing circles along his back to try and ease any remaining tension out of him. It doesn't seem that he's been able to get to the root of the problem, and there was no compromising on the matter of his talent, but maybe this would do for now. ]
[ There's probably no making him happy at this point short of agreeing to all of his demands, which is the one thing that Hiyori cannot do. That leaves them at a bit of an impasse, and he's not sure of how to handle that. It's been hard enough to focus, and it's only getting worse with the added aches and pains. ]
Of course it matters...
[ Even if he has no illusions about it being real love, no more than his own ever is. It's a love for a title. It's love for a person that never existed. That's enough for a person sometimes, and that's how it always is with Hiyori, whose true self is always carefully hidden behind one mask or another. How funny, though, to be loved for a face he'd never even truly worn. He gives Komaeda a little squeeze. ]
I'll think about what you said seriously, okay, Komaeda-kun?
[ Well, he'll try to, anyway. It may or may not stick around in his head, but he thinks that this might, considering this is a subject he constantly hears about. If he does, he's sure he'll be quickly reminded. Either way, he's hoping to be able to kick it down to such a time when just the thought of it isn't so stressful. It's a problem that will need to be dealt with somehow. ]
Is there something I can do to cheer you up a little in the meantime...?
[ If he can some small concession he can make to seal the deal, and in turn to show that he cares about his wants, that would be ideal. ]
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no subject
It stings to hear those words once Hiyori's finally able to process them, and he's still not quite able to work through exactly what was going on or what had gone wrong, just that his presence was no longer wanted. His hand lifts to reach out - for him? For the bottle? For something else entirely? Before it drops back down, less out of willpower (he never seemed to run out of that) and more because he's having a hard time moving. ]
Komaeda-kun...!
[ He slumps, uncertain of what to say. It wasn't a desire to be away, that closeness would have been fine if not for the additional efforts. Perhaps he should crawl over to his office instead. He misses his job, and he misses work, and even getting nothing done. Even if it was nothing, or even if it was wrong, he had an AI to help correct for that later. He wants to spend time with Komaeda, and he wants to go back to work, but only one of those seems to be an option.
Saying that he wants somebody else... He's so insensitive. ]
no subject
[ There's an unhappy little sound when Komaeda mentions leaving and it really is more like dealing with a little kid than a grown adult. It would be ill-advised to leave in this weather, if only because he would be soaking wet by the time he was home. Even if he didn't want to be around Hiyori, it was easy enough to hide in the guest bedroom. But as with everything else, that disappears quickly, as does his anxiety from before. He truly is just living second to second.
And so at the earliest opportunity he's going to pull his legs forward and work on slipping them under him, sluggishly adjusting his position just enough that he can lean forward to try and press his face against the poor Komaeda. It's hard for him to move his limbs, but his hands find purchase around Komaeda's back as his fingers loosely grip the fabric to hold himself in place. ]
Komaeda-kun...!
[ He draws out every syllable in the name as he says it, and then does it a second time for good measure, and in truth it's more of a pitiful whine than anything else. He's clearly unhappy about something, though he's being completely unhelpful about helping anyone determine exactly what that something might be. ]
no subject
It's storming out... You'll get sick...
[ That doesn't seem to be the concern that he started with, but it has moved to the top of his mind. A cold was a virus, and it couldn't be caught just by standing in the rain, but there were several other health complications that could result from standing in the pouring rain for a long period of time. He wouldn't feel right sending him off. If he wanted to be away from him, he could lock himself up in the guest bedroom and it would have the same effect.
He mumbles his name again before letting out a little sigh, still not seeming willing to pull away even a little, and it really is like a kid clinging to a parent for their attention. ]
Mm... I love you... You're not supposed to be upset with me... You can't just say that you want somebody ellseeeeeee...
[ It's a petulant and childish complaint (and it gets three times as petulant with that last complaint. Wthout a doubt his chief concern is that Komaeda said he wanted somebody else, which is probably also the easiest issue for his drug-addled brain to latch onto, but he does seem to have the bigger issue of his consistently upsetting him. ]
no subject
He adjusts his own position a bit as Komaeda does, settling against him more comfortably. He's cozy, despite his low vitals and gaunt frame. He leans his head back enough to look up, resting just his chin on him now. A kiss, hm... It might... ]
Only if you want it.
[ Because it didn't mean anything if it was just him ordering it, not when Hiyori was looking to be wanted. He's jealous of his past self, who didn't have to deal with these frustrating details, although he had hit something of dead end by then. Could he have pushed things all the way as a simple brilliant doctor? He's not sure, but it would have been a mess of its own.
He breathes out another little sigh. ]
I'm always at my best... [ Current circumstances notwithstanding. ] I don't carry that title anymore, Komaeda-kun. I'm just Sou Hiyori, see?
[ He shouldn't argue like this, since it was beneficial to him, but he's not quite thinking clearly. There's no need to chase him and continue to press him as though he were still a part of that world, there were plenty of others... Well, they were good enough for somebody so starstruck and some of them seemed fine enough. ]
no subject
He did all of that and more. If he had to choose, it was more satisfying to break, to test the limitations of a person. But that didn't erase the pleasure of healing, of knowing people were indebted to him, of seeing his influence and talent grow in both directions.
What could he do for Nagito Komaeda...? What could the answer be, except anything that he wants?
He feel Komaeda's fist on his back, and he knows that he's struck a nerve, that he should walk the conversation back. There was no need to stress Komaeda out at a moment when he has no ability to speak, much less handle any problems that arise. But his mind is muggy, and his filter is off, so he doesn't. ]
That title is mine alone... I can use it as I please.
[ He'll acknowledge that, at least. It was because no one else could replicate him, and it was because no one else worked as hard as him. ]
But why would clinging to a title make me any more special...? What can a title do for anyone?
[ The answer is indirect and without a trace of his usual elegance. Komaeda shouldn't need the answer hand fed to him. He's special for everything that he was before. He's special because he's only gained more, done more since then. Sou Hiyori is special because his ability to pick up the scalpel was never tied to some arbitrary claim.
Without realizing that he's still speaking, Hiyori - a man to whom "Ultimate Surgeon" is just one of many titles and credentials - looks to the side and adds: ]
I can't stand people who idolize titles. People should think for themselves.
[ It's a general statement, one that's not really directed toward present company. ]
no subject
The extra work? No, that was his life. His work as a surgeon was important. It was the subject that he dedicated himself to most even now, with much of his continuing education and research related to it, but he had so many passions and talents - hard sciences and soft sciences and technology and arts. "Surgeon" might be one of the many titles that he held, and it was the most important of the individual parts, but it was part of an interwoven web.
He stares blankly, focusing on counting his breaths as he tries to collect his thoughts on the matter. He's not articulate enough to expression his thoughts, but through that he knows that his work as Sou Hiyori was everything to him. He's not sure why the idea of losing that scares him so much, but he knows that it does. After all, who would he be then? Who would he be without that? ]
... I see.
[ That's the only response he offers, and it's probably the nicest one that he can in his current position. But he shakes his head, trying to dismiss it from his head for how much the very concept agitates him even now. No, it's the opposite. He needs to get back to his work quickly. He needs to do more, and to be much, much more than he is now.
He glances to the side again, wincing as he properly leans back against the sofa. ]
Ah, you can use the guest bedroom tonight if you'd like. It should be fairly tidy.
[ Is that him refusing to properly acknowledge the suggestion? It sure is. ]
no subject
... I'm sorry, Komaeda-kun. I love hearing your thoughts, but I can't give you what you want. I won't give up everything that makes me myself.
[ That's why the kindest thing he can do is acknowledge those feelings and move on - no, that's not right, being direct like this is far kinder. But even then, it's a twisted version of everything that Hiyori wants for others. It was up to each person to judge those around them. It was up to each person to decide what they wanted. It was not their duty to look to others and force them to live their lives a certain way. He has to live as Sou Hiyori, for himself and for no one else.
Komaeda can't understand that because he lives for others, thinks of others, and never once stops to think of his own wants and needs.
He sighs and presses his palm to his forehead, willing his head to clear up. Normally he's so much better than this... He can't be hurting people like this... He watches Komaeda walk away, and the sense that he should do something strikes him. But what is that? He's not sure.
Getting himself off the floor seems like as good of a start as any. He twists around, shifting onto his knees and placing his hand on the edge of the sofa. Fortunately, he's managed to get around his house (and fallen) enough to at least have learned that he can lift himself up off the ground if needed. One knee goes up as he solidly places his foot on the floor. He has to stay that way for several seconds, once more counting his breath, before he can finally work up the willpower to shove himself off the ground and to his feet. Hiyori wobbles a little once up, but he manages to keep himself standing.
He shakes his head and lets out another sigh, mumbling to himself. ]
People need to think for themselves, and make their own decisions... Why is that so hard to understand...?
no subject
Gotta focus... ]
... Ah, maybe in a little while? I think I ate too much...
[ Which isn't a lie, he ate fairly light most days, but he tended to have a second stomach for dessert. Right now, though, he's more worried about Komaeda. He had been ready to cry. Why had it hurt him so much...? It wasn't as though abandoning all of his other pursuits would let him dedicate more time to his "talent," it would just leave him with a glaring empty space in his schedule.
Despite needing to move slowly, or perhaps because of it, he manages to keep his footsteps as light as ever. ]
I'm still a surgeon, you know... That's one of my jobs, and I do far more continuing education than I need to...
[ He has to stop to speak, and his back aches from the continued movement, but he's managing well enough. He wishes he weren't on this medication, that he didn't need it. ]
But my passion is caring for others. I could never lazily tie myself to just one thing and say that was good enough... That's what made me their greatest prodigy... That's why I'm still the best in my field.
[ Talent, intellect, charisma, passion - he truly had it all. That comes out a little more coherently, and it's not hard to imagine that he's said most of those pieces dozens of times at one point or another, albeit perhaps not together. He continues his slow steps, finally giving Komaeda a chance to respond. Even this is based purely on what dredges of his memory he can cling to, little pieces of habit that remain.
He makes his way into the kitchen where Komaeda is. He takes note of the bottle of pills and grabs it along the way, tucking it into a pocket before he slips up behind Komaeda, pressing up on his back and wrapping his arms around him, chin dropping on his shoulder.
If he wasn't crippled and on drugs, this probably would've happened ages ago. Fortunately, he is, so Komaeda had plenty of time to do anything he needed to. ]
Besides, what would I do with that much free time...? Hm... Perhaps I should spend it all with Komaeda-kun...?
[ It could almost be teasing, but he sounds pretty serious about it. ]
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Hiyori feels his teeth snap together as a shoulder bounces up and into his chin. He can't help the slight chuckle that follows, but he does feel a little bad. His footsteps had always been light, and his presence was easy to miss if one wasn't paying attention. He wraps his arms around him a little more tightly as Komaeda tries to pull away, pressing himself more firmly against him. ]
I didn't mean to frighten you... But you haven't answered my question.
[ What would he do with his life, if not devoting himself to his passions? if not working? What purpose would there be left for him then? He turns his head to look to Komaeda, but even with that glazed look it's not hard to see the concern on his face. He exhales, trying to think of the right way to handle this. It should come naturally to him, but it doesn't, and he just finds himself standing there uselessly. ]
You were about to cry, Komaeda-kun What's really bothering you? ... If I promise to listen, and take it seriously, will you tell me?
[ He doesn't seem to have noticed the white on the plate, at least, though he barely seems to have paid it more than the glance he gave when it flopped onto it. It's doubtful that he'll be able to get anything out of him now, Komaeda always shut himself up so fast and he's in no state to drag those feelings out, but he has to try. Hiyori has always been sensitive to changes in people, and he thinks if he doesn't at least try now, there won't be another chance. ]
Why do you hate Sou Hiyori so much? At least tell me that.
[ Perhaps they were both only good for one thing in Komaeda's eyes.
...
Perhaps it would be better if he removed himself until he had more presence of mind. ]
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That's... [ He cuts off, a little quiver in his voice that's gone by time he continues, ] That's alright, I'm used to it.
[ There were those at Hope's Peak, of course, and his fellow Ultimates had no love for them. But it wasn't only them. There were patients who hated him, there were patients' families who despised him, and there were the people who he'd broken beyond repair who despised him... Yes, there were so many people who hated him as a natural consequence of his career that it had ceased to matter long ago. There were so many more who loved him. He gives another small, slightly dazed smile to show that no harm has been done.
Hiyori ignores the cake. His eyes stay on Komaeda. ]
I love you, Komaeda-kun, every part of you. The parts that are passionate and selfless, the parts that are selfless and petulant and dishonest... I love the parts of you that you hate...
[ Another small laugh. He seems to be over the shock. ]
I'll love the part of you that hates me, too... So I'll let go now.
[ Because love was letting go, and no one wanted to be held by someone they hated. But he clings for another moment, pulling him closer as he closes his eyes. He exhales through his nose. Even in this state, where he can't articulate himself, he knows those words. He knows them because it's like a mantra, something that he's said so many times that he's lost count - just with small addition now. But that moment passes, and his grip loosens as he forces himself through the motions of trying to pull away - it's about as easy as anything else is at this moment. ]
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He settles on staying for the moment after giving it some thought, wrapping his arms around Komaeda once more to pull him close. He can only hold the position for a short time before one hand has to move to the edge of the counter to help stabilize himself. That's what he wants. It's about what he wants, but it's also not. So though he keeps one arm around Komaeda, as tight as his weakened grip can manage, he says, ]
... I'll stay until you tell me to leave.
[ He can't do any of the things he normally would. There's none of his normal tact, none of the responsiveness, but he at least remembers to do this much. He can still tell Komaeda his worth just with this one action. His back is aching, but it's manageable for the moment. This position isn't as bad as it could be. So whether it's a minute or an hour, he thinks he can manage this much. ]
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[ That cake definitely has not escaped his notice and it won't go to waste, as he does pay it a quick glance, but he's keeping his attention on Komaeda as promised. No sweets, no talk of his job or patients, or his hobbies, or anything else. Nor the pain that comes in waves. He'll stay here for now, though. It's manageable, and it will remain so until whenever his limbs decide to give out on him.
It takes him a little longer, but he does loop back round to something Komaeda said, ]
... I've always been like this, Komaeda-kun. I can be happy because I live and love as I choose.
[ Was that selfish? Was that wrong? Perhaps it was, but it was what allowed him to live. There was no causing him to stray off his path because it was always something he chose for himself. He rubs soothing circles along his back to try and ease any remaining tension out of him. It doesn't seem that he's been able to get to the root of the problem, and there was no compromising on the matter of his talent, but maybe this would do for now. ]
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Of course it matters...
[ Even if he has no illusions about it being real love, no more than his own ever is. It's a love for a title. It's love for a person that never existed. That's enough for a person sometimes, and that's how it always is with Hiyori, whose true self is always carefully hidden behind one mask or another. How funny, though, to be loved for a face he'd never even truly worn. He gives Komaeda a little squeeze. ]
I'll think about what you said seriously, okay, Komaeda-kun?
[ Well, he'll try to, anyway. It may or may not stick around in his head, but he thinks that this might, considering this is a subject he constantly hears about. If he does, he's sure he'll be quickly reminded. Either way, he's hoping to be able to kick it down to such a time when just the thought of it isn't so stressful. It's a problem that will need to be dealt with somehow. ]
Is there something I can do to cheer you up a little in the meantime...?
[ If he can some small concession he can make to seal the deal, and in turn to show that he cares about his wants, that would be ideal. ]
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when are you going to stop ntring me nms go back 2 ur majority game tag
FIVE TIMES EACH THREAD i'm starting to feel second hand sexual frustration tbqh
WELL YEAH BUT IS KOMAEDA GONNA FINALLY RESOLVE THE TENSION AFTER HE'S NOT CRIPPLED AND/OR DRUGGED???
IT'S FINE IT'LL JUST BE A REWARD FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR
THEY CAN FUCK MORE THAN ONCE???? AS A PATIENT THEN AS A BF THEN AS A HUSBAND
OKAY FINE TEMPORARY EX-PATIENT BUT THEN AS A PATIENT HE CAN DO BOTH
okay you know what that's fair, komaeda shouldn't have to settle like that
does that mean their first time can be in his office while he's shirking his duties
that's true maybe he won't moan into the phone this time