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( closed to @luck ) your turn to die: sou hiyori
With varying vanities, from every part, they shift the moving toyshop of their heart.
With varying vanities, from every part, they shift the moving toyshop of their heart.
With varying vanities, from every part, they shift the moving toyshop of their heart.
STOOOPPP HE DOESN'T BUT THIS IS HIS LIFE NOW!
He should be happy. He'll never have an trouble in life, and yet he causes the same for everyone around him.
It's probably because he loves the person next to him. If he didn't have him, he wouldn't have such fits, because he would never think that life could be different. He wouldn't notice the smiles that others had, or the way the latch onto and tease each other. He wouldn't dare dream of sharing that burden, nor allowing any other to have it, for he would need think of no one other than himself.
He would be free to love only Sou Hiyori then. But in exchange, he would have no one who could understand him. Perhaps those dreams are a sign of what could have been then. ]
It's always the same. I'm in a classroom that I've never seen before, but it seems familiar, as though my entire life had been built up for the sake of being there... Yet, despite that feeling, there's always blood on my hands. The person changes, and sometimes there's others, but it's as though they're on loop... It's always the same people, always the same deaths...
It's always the same feeling, as though my heart were tarnished and covered in rust, a sickening emptiness... What could that feeling be called if not despair...?
[ He murmurs, understanding without understanding. He holds Komaeda's hand tight to the point of discomfort, but not quite pain, for several seconds before he finally eases up. ]
It's as though it's a video on repeat, one scene after another at night, until that disgusting feeling slips away and I allow myself to be caught... Yet, I believe my actions were righteous... Yet, I feel as though nothing is the same after that, and it can never be the same again... Every time, it starts and ends the same way, with death after death followed by satisfaction...
[ Frightening, so frightening, because... ]
... I don't know those people, nor the place, nor even what led to that feeling, and yet I somehow know.. You didn't exist in those dreams. You weren't there for me, and I have the sense that it could have been me...
[ It's the strangest thing, really, as he should have no reason to believe it. He's a man of science and not religion, and so he doesn't know that alternate timelines or reincarnation exist. But he has the sense that he's peeking into another possible world, into the life of a Sou Hiyori who was left to his own devices. He feels himself living the life of a version of himself who had no one and nothing. But he's never felt despair, he's never bitten into the forbidden fruit and seen the rot that hides within.
In his twin he's found love, a warm blanket that accepts him no matter how cold and pathetic he might be, a small golden land that he may visit at night when he can be held in his arms. The world is a callous and difficult place, but he finds sanctuary in the arms of his twin. He buries his face against him and breathes in his scent and the world seems right again, he hears the reassurances and soothing words that center him by promising that all is well, that he is well.
It's almost like he had prayed for things to be different next time so that he might not make the same mistakes. But dreams are just dreams, no matter how repetitive or unsettling. ]
oh no hope u sleep well... i'm doing this before i go to church bc i gotta pray abt this
The crunching of grass and the melody of crickets chirping remind him of where he is. It's easier to breathe here, away from that house and the school that creeps into his dreams at night. It's easier when he has a hand squeezing his own tight, loving reminders of how far away that place he dreams of is. ]
I know... As long as I have you, I'll never have to act alone.
[ But there's days when he wonders what he might do if Komaeda a were to leave him, and on those days the nightmares seem to be a premonition, a past that he'll loop back around to one day. Where might these feelings of his go when there's no longer a gentle hand to wipe them away, nor kind words which purify his every ill thought? What purpose will they serve? He wants to ask, but his feelings won't reach, no more than his prayer will reach the stars he wishes on. The person he dreams of is no different than him, isolated and never once understood despite all the love given to him.
But it's not as though it were some tantrum thrown for a lack of understanding, nor was it spite and hatred that guided his hand. It was something deeper than that, more complicated than a tantrum thrown by a child. ]
It was for the people that survived. None of them could see it, none of them could understand how frail they were - how close they were to the cliff, and so I pushed a few of them off to awaken the rest... I couldn't see any way to save the collective whole but to push a few of them off.
[ It was nothing as beautiful as bodies being returned to the earth, but a blood red carpet and the thick smell of iron in the air. He remembers the scratches on his hand, the way that they throbbed once the adrenaline rush died down. That death had stung, crawled into his rotten heart, because he had been fond of that girl, and a miscalculation on his part meant that she died a far more slow and painful death than he would have liked.
It's what their parents have taught him. There is weakness in comfort, as it stifles growth, while suffering is what allows a person to rise to the top. The pain he feels now will be of great use in the future, as each hurt is aids in his teaching and helps him to grow callouses. The bruise on his cheek is much in the same. He'll reevaluate his actions and approach before discussing the matter with them again. He no longer argues so much, and when he's struck he no longer cries or glares at them like a petulant child. He takes it was he should, quietly, without complaint.
That's all it was. He was dragging that place into that water not to drown it, but to cleanse it of its sinful and hedonistic ways. He, too, needed to gouge out his own indulgence and set it down as payment for his future success. It was an act of love, and who would know better than Hiyori of how much suffering can be packed into love, how much people are forced to do things they hate in order to better their children, than Hiyori who is cared for more than any other? ]
It was for their own good, Nagito, but... It was cold, and painful, and lonely, like I was drowning...
[ He's murmuring by the end, trying to process feelings that don't parse well with his current way of living. He was sinking into some inky black pit, and there was no one who would pull him out, until he finally managed to surface on his own. But some of that substance stuck to the walls of his lungs, and if he were unlucky he supposes the rest of his life might have been trying to dislodge it. ]
GOD THIS HEAT IS AWFUL i swear it's melting my brain
He can't remember what it was that he had left him so certain, though even now it makes his stomach churn just to think of. It's like an itch that he can never scratch, some sickening need to rip out some weed by it's roots before it can choke out all the life around it. But as long as Komaeda keeps a tight hold on his hand he can't move it, he can't tear out his own heart out along with the field bindweed spreading its poison. He clings to that hand, that grasp which reminds him that he's not alone, that there's no trial that he can't overcome if only they pool their resources together.
He's still thinking on that question as they sit down, the log creaking beneath him, and he rests the blanket on his lap. He reaches over to secure the shawl properly around Komaeda, adjusting it so it covers him more fully. He wraps an arm around his waist to pull him close, resting his head on his shoulder and staring out into the distance. Was it for their own good? Was it for his own? What is that he needed then and now? That loneliness, that venom, that fear that crawled down his throat and left him more dangerous than any other. ]
Yes... I sacrificed a piece of myself along with them in order to save the rest. It was my solution for the trolley problem. I didn't care if no one understood me, because they wouldn't be hurt like that again. If they couldn't protect themselves, then I would... I gave up a piece of myself, but I gained the qualifications to watch over the world.
[ Almost like a god, he thinks. Hope can only focus on building things up and looking to the future, despair can only destroy what's built as they're worn down by an unkind past and present, and selfish adults can only see their desires, but a god who watches over others can see everything despite having nothing. He would wake them up, he would wake himself up, and even if they fell back asleep he would keep vigil. It wasn't noble and he's no martyr, but merely a person who had chosen a path paved with blood and built up by bodies. He was a person who had become something greater.
He always find a different path now, so he should have been able to then. ]
It's being with you, Nacchan... I don't just say that because I love you, or because you you keep me from doing anything rash...
[ He lifts his head to look at him now, kissing his cheek. ]
We were born together, but everything since then has been my choice. Being with you, taking care of you, loving you... I chose you above all others, and I always will.
[ He hasn't had many choices in life. They've all been made for him, his life carefully structured so that as an adult he can succeed in a way that no other can. He's the result of the pooled resources of two great minds, beloved and special, and that's why they're better fit to guide him along in this journey. Being hit, being lectured, being punished in any number of ways are all for his own good, a labor of love that hurts them more than him. But Komaeda was always his choice. ]
OK TRUE honestly idk what they be talking about half the time
He reaches up to touch the bruise on his cheek. It stings, and he knows that there will be worse punishments should he continue to argue with them. It would be easier to let it go and settle for finding a means of ending the marriage, but he can't accept that. It would be better than fighting a losing battle, as they've never once allowed him a win. It would only embolden him if they were to do so. They'll explain it to him, they'll later show him that it was the correct choices, but the few times they've budged was due to the involvement of a third party.
But he still can't accept being expected to devote his life to another. He rubs Komaeda's side, reaching out his other hand to place it over his. His words sting more than they should. Hiyori can't shake the feeling that he's siding with them over for him, or how unfair that is, and maybe needing that validation is why he's still called a child. His fingers curl around Komaeda's hand gently. ]
You don't recognize how incredible you are, Nagito... There's no one who can compare your brilliance... I treasure your love more than I all the riches in the world, for you are my entire world... How can I be asked to share my life in another when you have the whole of my heart? Why, when I can love only you...?
[ There's pieces of his twin that he envies. It comes so naturally for him to care for others. His love is pure and brilliant, unmarred by paranoia and expectations, and every word and motion is genuine. There's no one like him. If their parents had only looked, they would see his potential, for he's no less intelligent or talented than Hiyori.
Why can't they notice, why does he have to give up all the happiness that he holds for the whims of adults? More simply, and in a far quietly voice, he adds, ]
... It's not fair, Nacchan...
they're doing their best and i love them for that but they're still kinda insane
It wouldn't be wrong for them to run away and to stand his ground wherever they chose, no more than it's wrong for him to dig his heels in now and refuse. He tilts his head back a tad, turning his eyes up to try and see Komaeda's expression while hoping his own will be missed. It's subtle, as he's learned to hide his disappointment well enough to at least train it into something more neutral, but twins always know what the other is feeling.
His hand tightens in a little squeeze, and he thinks it would be fair if he were to simply stay here. The glow of the fireflies dot the scenery, the chorus of crickets fill the air along with the rustling of leaves, and if they go a little further out he could hear the waves crashing back into the water. But he thinks it wouldn't be wrong if he were to use this body as he pleased either. He is inherit everything that the Hiyori family has accumulated over time, then it occurs to him that it really does mean everything - the riches built up by it, the possessions and knowledge they've maintained, and the lives fostered by them, as he'll act as their guide and leader. Their minds, their bodies, their very lives will belong to him before long.
If that's the case then... ]
I'm not getting married. That's the one thing I won't let them force, no matter how they might push the matter.
[ Then... ]
They didn't listen tonight, but I'm sure they will tomorrow. They'll see how inadvisable this is...
[ Would it really be wrong for him to take what's rightfully his...? ]
STOP HE'S JUST TALKING ABOUT PARENTICDE
There's a dark cloud in his mind that turns over possibilities. There's drastic actions that could be taken, of course. He could make good on those promises that all that the family possesses should belong to him, or he could follow those teachings that a leader isn't the strongest, but the one who breaks noses and crushes any who would question their authority under their heel. He must be the best at everything, and he must suppress anyone who might even think of being seen as otherwise. He could pretend to take a hand for marriage before making a show of snapping every finger, and the incident would cause long lasting issues.
There's no soft kisses to wipe those away, but his words dull the blade in his hand, because there's not a single person in his life who has the confidence in Hiyori that he has in himself. His wants are discarded along with his words, they move on as though it's a foregone conclusion, and above all else he can't accept that. It's a hole in his chest that's torn open a little more with each passing moment, but he doesn't cry or throw a tantrum like a child would. His breathing remains steady, the little squeeze to Komaeda's side gentle and reassuring, his smile - hidden as it is - taking on a guilty quality.
It's because he won't acknowledge his frustration and upset that he feels no hurt, that he doesn't need to break down as others do.
It's because he can hold it all in that he's growing up to be such a wonderful adult. ]
... If it comes to that, then we can. I won't do anything rash, but there's no harm in changing their minds, is there? I'm sure that I can, Nagito. You may be right that it's a futile effort, but I won't be satisfied until I've exhausted every option. If I'm still not able to change it, then I'll accept it gracefully.
[ Those words are carefully chosen as they should be, words that recognize the other party and accept their argument without quite deferring to them. But there's truth to what Hiyori says too; however futile it might be, a person who tries nothing will only be left with regretful what ifs.
However, there is one point that he feels the need to correct: ]
I have no need for another to grow my status. Theirs is nothing when compared to mine, and one who wishes to fill the same role while falling behind me and that I have no love for can only prove to be a burden.
STOPPPP HE WON'T DO IT NOW THAT HE PROMISED KOMAEDA TO BE GOOD SIGH!
They regret that fact now, and he's seen it in their faces when they discuss the matter. Yet they had thought that raising him properly would allow him to find a suitable partner without their help; somebody who carried themselves with grace and beauty while harboring an unmatched strength, intelligent and connected and rich but deferential enough to realize they were only there to support him. Not some disgusting servant girl, or perhaps a commoner at his school, as he does seem to get along well with those who attend his school based on academic value alone.
But they didn't, and he didn't, and now they're taking matters into their own hands to prevent him from making a mistake like always. ]
... Yes, a few times. We've met during marriage interviews, but there's nothing special about her. Women and men like her are a dime a dozen. She understands the world well enough to pay attention to the needs of all without looking down upon them, she's smart enough to absorb material, and she has a certain level of acclaim. But there's nothing more to her. She's crafted as she was intended to be, and I could switch her out with any other and all that would change is the appearance.
[ None of which is wrong. However many quirks she may have, they're nothing more than a vslight humanization. It's dull, boring, the same as all others. He respects such figures well enough and is happy to coordinate with him, but the idea of being shackled to a person who's nothing more than a lesser version of himself makes him sick.
He wants someone beautiful, someone different, a person who makes him see the world as something more than empty and gray, full of shadows that all bleed together. There was a servant girl when they were younger, or perhaps it was the child of one, who had the same effect on him - the shine in her eyes and her passion, the way she spoke of mysteries with him while creating entire worlds of her own, had so captured his heart. It wasn't the love and passion that he has for his twin, but... It was as close as he's ever come to it with anyone else... Ah, how they would fume if they knew that. ]
I've made my feelings clear from the start, so it should come as no surprise to them. They had promised it to be my choice, but their unhappiness with that decision and desire to rush matters has clouded their judgment.
[ He sighs. They're as afraid as he is, but they can act and he cannot, and their judgment is sound while his is faulty. But as they've continued on and pushed the matter more, so too has Hiyori dug in his heels and refused to comply. ]
They're worried that I'm going to run off with some servant girl, or Saachan... I don't love her in the same way I do you, Nagito, but her beauty too is something far greater than any they've subjected me to... Even now, her world is far more full of life than ours.
[ If he had to describe his love for her... It might be that of a sister, a diluted version of the the kind of familial love her should be able to give his twin. ]
HE IS A BAD INFLUENCE when we take komaeda away and put him somewhere safe!
What is it about Komaeda that makes him special? It's not his sickness, for he would shine even brighter if freed from its shackles, and it cannot be his familial relationship when he has little love others within it. There's something different about him, though, that makes it so Hiyori's eyes can only settle upon him for so long. Perhaps it's because he's been able to teach him all those things which others have failed to.
He sits there for a few seconds longer, his fingers brushing against the fabric of the blanket. His hand is too empty when its not holding another, but after a moment he slips the blanket under his arm once more and follows his lead. He dusts off his pants and tugs at his shirt to ensure everything's settled into place. His eyes trail down to this stomach, the way his hand had moved over it having been noticed, but he tucks his concern away for later. ]
No... I would love you no matter what, Nagito. In any life, in any place, I would find you, and I would love you, and until I did my world would be foggy and gray.
[ He reaches his hand over to touch the edge of the edges of the sheet on him, fingering it as he considers what comes next. The idea of consummating their marriage as is so often expected of the first night makes his face flush, and Hiyori finds that he doesn't mind waiting after so suddenly springing this upon the other. No, he finds that just spending tonight curled up with him under the stars, feeling his skin beneath his fingers as he holds him tight and breathing in his scent as he nuzzles against the top of his head should be enough to fill his heart with an unmatched happiness.
It makes the idea of leaving him here that much more painful... Ah, but his twin has always been the one to try and protect him in these situations. He reaches out to gingerly grip his wrist, rubbing the inside with his thumb. ]
I remember... I cried and caused such a fuss then, and our parents were terribly upset about it... But, Nacchan, none of this is your fault. You shouldn't have to put yourself at risk for my sake... No, I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to you.
[ Isn't that the entire reason he's so upset? Komaeda pushes and pushes him to accept how close his death it, and the idea of not even being able to spend that time with him is unbearable. ]
STOP I DON'T WANNA MARRY HIM OFF, I JUST WANT HIM SAFE FROM HIS INCESTOUS TWIN
His mild melts as those hands ease him back down without breaking contact. The blanket slips out from his hand and onto the log before bouncing onto the ground as Hiyori reachis hands up to place them on his neck, guiding his fingers up the back his head to run his fingers through his hair and massage his scalp as he deepens the kiss. Where Komaeda has accepted that he will never be given love and acceptance, Hiyori craves it above all else. He needs it, believing it to be the only thing that will keep him safe. He takes it from all while never giving it, and it's why he crumbles so quickly under his twin's touch.
He's never loved anyone else, not so purely. Even that girl whom he was so fond of wasn't the pure love he thinks i is - it was empty and fleeting, as all things are with him, and perhaps that's a good thing. Their parents would still prefer them being with each other to their heir shackling himself to a maid. They would prefer his lips at least move against one of their own, taking it slow to start, pulling away both to soon and at just the right time. Their kisses can never last as long as they could with another, but those breaks make it all the more pleasurable when he can move into the next one. ]
You would. That's part of why I love you so much...
[ His hands come down to cup his face in his hands now, slowly moving his head back and forth, then leans in to give him another kiss before staring into his eyes.. They're such a dull color when compared to the vibrant jade of Hiyori's own, but he lacks the white pupils that people can find so unsettling when they first see him. ]
If it comes to it, I might have to depend on you... Please forgive your worthless brother if he can't even solve his own problems, but even so, I believe that I can reason with them.
[ He strokes his cheek with his thumb, his smile just a touch nervous, as much from the subject matter as the inviting look Komaeda offers him. ]
I have to be able to... If I can't even win our parents over, then how will I ever convince others to give thought to me?
[ This is, he believes, behavior far more befitting of who he's supposed to be. ]
NOT HINATA STOPPP I LAUGHED
His hands slip back around the back of his neck beneath the veil and the lower, massaging his shoulders and drawing circular patterns with his fingers down as they find their way to his waistband. His voice is soothing, and he regrets that the think fabric of Komaeda's shirt keeps him from touching the smooth skin hidden beneath it. They've already gone too far to turn back, and the suggestion of something pleasant sends his mind to places that it shouldn't go. It would be crossing a line that they can never come back from, and would his twin still accept him if he pushed him so far and something went wrong?
He probably would, and that's the most frightening thing at all. There's strings that connect Hiyori to everyone in his life. There's so much potential to him, so much work that's gone into forming him, and if he were just a little older he might be able to understand that however selfish the hidden beneath might be he nonetheless represents their hope for the future.
Ah, but he worries too much. His twin is right as always - he has to exercise care, and he has to exercise care so that he doesn't suffer the fate of Rome, nor to forget where they are now. Tomorrow's problems can wait until then ]
You're right... I'll take more care, and I'll not forget what tonight is for us. It's our first night shared as a married couple, rather than simply as twins, and so for tonight I want to think of only you.
[ He pulls at the waistband of his pants before slipping his fingers a couple inches beneath them, teasing at the idea of more before thinking better of it and letting them move beneath his shirt instead. It's as low as he can go. ]
snitches get stitches!!!!
There's a soft sound of pleasure as he nips at his lip. It's just enough to bring his eyes down to his soft mouth before they move back up as the back of his legs bump against the log before he sinks back onto it, weak in the knees, and he he fidgets a bit as settles atop him, all too aware of the way that their hips are pushed together, of how little there is separating them when they're this close. It must because they're away from that house, hidden where no one can find them, that he has to work to keep his thoughts together. ]
I love you too, Nagito, and I will never love another as I do you.
[ Those words tremble a little at the end as the hand running down his hand makes him shiver, this grip tightening just enough to give his waist a light squeeze before it's pulled away. He allows it, letting his opposite hand to hold his waist instead, leaning in to hiss his forehead as he looks down.
He inhales as Komaeda presses his lips against his hand now, his body freezing up as he tries to maintain his composure, but his eyes are locked onto it. He's able to keep up this questionable effort to maintain his composure until the first digit slips past his mouth, and his lips part as his lungs demand air and he gulps down a deep breath. It's a jolt of lightning down his spine that causes his hips to twitch, shifting up and against the boy atop him. His palm is slick with the saliva, and he has the pleasant feeling of a tongue under his fingers and lips wrapped around them.
He swallows, his mouth growing dry, ]
N-Nagito, ah...
[ He's looking for anything to interrupt his present train of thought, but nothing comes to mind save how he might lick his way up and wrap his lips around other areas. ]
WHOEVER SNITCHES!!!
He hates the clothes between them some days. The cooling saliva on his lips and the kisses peppered gainst him, ones which he returns, don't feel like enough right now. His kisses become sharper, more eager, and by time he's parted his lips so that their tongues can meet there's an almost desperate need to have more of him rapidly building up within him. His hands slip around his waist again, slipping under his shirt once more, resting on his lower back. The words combined with the movement of his hips send another jolt of lighting through him. ]
Ah, I want to hear it... There's no sweeter sound than my name rolling off your lips...
[ He keeps his voice a low murmur in turn, pressing another kiss upon those lips as he tries to control himself. He doesn't quite manage as that uncomfortable tightness in his pants increasingly difficult to ignore. While his face grows redder at he suggestion of placing his hands any lower than they are, he allows both to slide beneath the hem of his pants, exploring his lower back and beneath while his head is pulled back and kisses trailed along his neck. For as delicate and flowery as his words are, there's nothing so pretty about the groan that comes as a response to the bite.
If he were thinking straight, he might end things here. It's nothing unusual for a newly wed couple to consummate their marriage, and he wishes to share every first from breath to sex with his brother, but there's something despicable about taking advantage of his husband and brother in the forest. But even his concerns seem to fade as his heart beats loudly and his body twitches Komaeda beneath him. He cups his hands around his buttocks in a tight squeeze, trying to pull him closer as his hips grind against him. His sex drive has always been higher, and while he's always been satisfied with however far they might go, it makes him sensitive and reactive, foggy minded and unable to resist his baser desires.
Confident and stubborn, assertive and controlling, but for as long as he can remember he's always been taught how gentle and careful he needs to be with the younger twin, and he learned through those times when he made the mistake of being rough. Affectionate and doting, careful and kind, and so horribly in love that he's putty in his hands alone. This side of Sou Hiyori, so lovestruck that he's a little clumsy and a little awkward and so willing to melt into the touch of another, is an offering given to Komaeda alone. ]
I love you, Nacchan... I love you, Nagito... I don't need anyone or anything but you...
[ The words come out breathy as another shiver works its way down his spine and his hands come out from beneath the hem of his pants to rub his thighs. He wants to beg him to stay by his side always, for every hardship he endures and every miracle he performs is for him to see, but fear of ruining this moment holds him back. Instead what slips out is, ]
I want to share everything with you...
Re: STOPPPP WHO DO WE LET SNITCH
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