[ It should bother him, but it never has. He was taught by his mother and father that they were early on, equal but separate, two different people who had different meaning to the world. What does it matter if they share the same blood then? It's the problem with teaching a child both to be obedient and a leader, they eventually begin to refuse even those values that their parents and the world have impressed upon them in favor of their own desires. Why shouldn't they after amassing such power that none can oppose them?
He shakes his head in response to the question. It scared him a little at first, but they're already past that point. He's already learned that the world is there for him to build up and burn down as he pleases. He only need learn how. But still, the sting that his touch brings reminds him that he's not there. One hand moves up to the one over his cheek, and the sting of it is nothing compared to the words spoken. A year and a half? Just ridiculous. Why is it that they're all against him? Why does no one listen to him!? They'll do nothing but live and die separately! He's not worth living for! It's not worth it to see his future! So why should he listen to any of them? Why shouldn't he - ]
Nacchan... It doesn't matter to me if we're related. Love knows boundaries, and the heart wants what it wants.
[ He closes his eyes and presses his cheek against that hand and he opens his eyes, the warm smile never having budged. His twin is beautiful in the moonlight, wearing the veil for their wedding and a pendant that symbolizes their union. It's breathtaking, enough to washes away everything and anything until there's only him, and it reminds him that such questions are those of a a child abdicating responsibility. Hiyori can do better, he can do more, and when he does he can change everything. He can make them listen, he can cure every illness, and he can break down every wall.
They both have a role to play, but the night has always belonged to them, and the moon that shines upon them now gives its blessing night and day. But he can change that too. He just needs to find a way. But he won't think of that tonight, instead keeping his eyes fixed on the person that he loves most. He can't see the light that he radiates, but Hiyori does. Those times when he's cried, when he's smiled, when he's pouted and sulked and thrown a tantrum - he's been there for them all, shining upon him and wiping away every hurt and dark thought.
He has nightmares sometimes, and he wonders if they might not have been predictions for the future. They were warnings, precognitive dreams, yet each time those dark futures would be erased by his twin's light. ]
Yes... I understand. We have to return to being Sou and Nagito tomorrow, twins who were born together yet who must lead separate lives, but tonight... Please, let me have all of you.
Edited 2022-06-16 03:44 (UTC)
(deleted comment)
ME thinkin bout them following the ff tradition of one dying young & one living traumatized
[ It seems that his parents were an arranged marriage as well. They hadn't originally intended on it for him, but changed their mind upon realizing that he only took interest in those so far beneath him. He might elope with some servant if they weren't careful, or worse, remain alone for his entire life. He would ruin his future to satisfy his childish whims and selfish nature.
He'd asked his mother once if they love each other, and she smiled and patted his head and answered that they've grown fond of each other. They're the ideal couple in public, the ideal partners who share a mutual respect and intelligence that allows them to work toward any goal, and a husband and wife who stay in separate rooms at night. He wraps his arms around Komaeda, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt as he buries his face against him.
Everything is about appearances. He wonders how many times they've been with someone else behind closed doors where no other can see. ]
... It doesn't matter if we're family or not. I would find you in each and every life, and I'll never once love another. I won't be with anyone else. I will be a husband to no one else, so let us speak of it no more.
[ Those words leave no room for argument, and even if one were to come it would fall on deaf ears. But there's a truth to it. For all of his kindness, there's the same cruelty that all rulers are capable of hidden just beneath the skin. He would slit a person's throat open to avoid touching such filth, and nothing would stop him from cutting a woman open and rip her womb out to prevent a birth, because it would be a happier ending. But he doesn't need to worry about such things. His husband is here, his happiness and his life is in his arms now, stroking his hair and purifying his dark thoughts.
He draws in a breath, clinging for several seconds more before giving a little nod and relinquishing his grip. Their parents will be asleep by now, in separate beds in rooms spaced apart. ]
Yes, let's. It's a little chilly out tonight, so you should bring a jacket... Do you think that we'll see a shooting star? Maybe if we make the same wish, it'll come true.
[ He sighs and shakes his head, rubbing his arm to try and ease some of his anxiety. There's a note of apology to his look, aware that he'd said something thoughtless. He does move to go to the closet now, finding a spare blanket and a shawl. He sets one atop the other before he makes his way back. No one will notice. He's watched strictly during the day and evenings, but at night even Hiyori is given relative freedom to do as he pleases. As long as he remains perfect, there should be no problem - perfect grades, perfect behavior, perfect friends, perfect everything so that he'll be perfectly loved.
It was a mistake to act so strongly on his emotions. It's not something he can or will accept, but he needs to be more reasonable in his approach. It has to be as flawless as everything else about him, albeit even Hiyori himself can't say why it upset him so much. It's much like how he can't understand the sickening feeling that he gets watching others go about their day, nor the way his stomach churns as he watches them smile and laugh, talk and argue about things that don't matter.
It never occurs to him that they're happy, because he can't acknowledge that he's unhappy. No one would find the smile that he wears to be any less genuine or cordial. He's practiced for years, spending long hours in front of the mirror until he had mastered everything from mirthful to sheepish to sympathetic. But it seems different when others do it, the way that their moods fluctuate and they laugh even as they complain, how easily everything seems to come to them. The way that couples cling to each other and squeak and embarrass one another with stupid pick up lines and teasing.
It's because he's better than them, he thinks. The way that they act is embarrassing. It's vapid and worthless, and it's why they remain so far beneath him. It's because they all love him so despite not knowing him at all, and how foolish is that? He would never lead such an aimless life. Because he knows already - they can't make their dreams reality, but he can. He can do anything. He just has to work harder until he reaches his goals.
He has his twin, and he has everything he has and will build up, so he doesn't need anything else. He has the person he loves most, the one who colors his world and puts his heart at ease, and so if he had just one wish... ]
You have to keep what you wish for a secret too! It won't come true otherwise! But if by some chance we do... Yes, I'm certain that it'll come true! God will hear us and grant a miracle.
[ ... It would be to be happy with his twin like this always, in this life and in the next, for all eternity. But there's no reason to believe God exists, and happiness isn't something that one can simply wish for.
He has to work even harder so he can grasp the dreams and miracles of love. He has to be willing to do anything to preserve it, and he will, no matter what the cost might be. He steps out the window and into the courtyard, careful with the first couple steps. ]
[ Hiyori slips the shawl into one hand and manages to balance the blanket on his shoulder, keeping it halfway in his elbow as he reaches under the sheet to slip the shawl around his twin's shoulders and loosely tying it in the front who'll stay in place. It's not a jacket, but it's thick and warm. It's one that he had pciked out specifically for him for times like this. He adjusts the blanket one more time, tucking it under one arm now, before he finally reaches to take Komaeda's hand. He interlaces their fingers, enjoying the sensation of their hands touching.
If he lays the blanket out for them to rest on, he can pull some over him. Between the two and Hiyori, he should be able to stay warm enough. These plans are normal for Hiyori, who's always been sick and frail. Yet, he can't see him as anything other than beautiful. He's never thought of him as odd or moody, and his mood swings are part of his personality. He's perfect, but were he any other way he would be just as wonderful and beloved. ]
You're right... You are Nagito Hiyori, my dearly beloved husband... You shine brighter than any star in the sky. I don't know what I'd do without your light to guide me.
[ Komaeda is a vibrant light that seems to erase everything else, so blinding that he can focus on nothing else. He seems to burn even brighter today, and there's only him, wearing a sheet as a veil, holding his hand, the person he would build a caste with if only he would live to see its walls put up. He's can try to forget his life as the heir of the Hiyori family when it's just the two of them. He doesn't resent his role, but he wishes to focus on his own wants, on who he is, and who he loves most. It's selfish, but he's already accepted that he's selfish.
It's a little cool out, but he feels so warm. It must be because his face is red as he sheds that identity and he thinks of what they could have - it hurts his heart to think of how short that time might be, but even then his heart thumps at the though of what they might do together. Maybe their parents can't know, but certainly there's one or two of their friends who could understand. ]
Maybe we can find one shaped like heart with an arrow through it.
[ One for lovers. ]
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NOT HIS MPREG ASS I'M CRYING when will he steal hiyori's sperm again
[ That's right. They were born together, but ever since then they've been treated as though they weren't related at all. It's often a problem that overbearing parents will treat their twins as too similar, giving them matching hairstyles and outfits, but the Hiyoris were quite the opposite. They decided immediately that the older of the two would be their heir, while the younger one would be there to support him. It's almost as though a second child was a burden to their plans, and they shoved the wedge between them deeper and deeper despite the way they only grew closer throughout the years.
If anyone has a right to hate him, it's Komaeda. There are so many members of their extended family who would be happy to kill him, to insert themselves into his position, and yet the only one who has the qualification to do so won't squeeze no matter how many times he wraps his arm around his neck. They should be equals though. They should share in everything, and be given everything, but instead it's only him. Hiyori knows it too - if he were to get sick now, to develop the same afflictions as his twin, he wouldn't be given the option of dying. He would be forced through treatments, cured whether he wanted to be or not.
So why does Komaeda get to choose? Why don't his parents love him enough to force him, just as they love Hiyori enough to force him through everything and anything? He hates it, he hates it, he hates it so much that he wishes they were all dead some days.
He squeezes his hand in return, kissing his head. ]
If we do, I want to name it after you...
[ He should leave that first point alone, let them just have a nice night, because he should just accept his role in life and be so grateful for it, he should accept who's chosen for him and what's chosen for him and yet - ]
Nacchan... Our parents treated us differently, but to me you're everything. It's only when I'm with you that I can live as Sou, rather than the heir to the Hiyori family. It's only when I'm with you that I can believe that nothing will go wrong.
[ A beat, then he adds, ]
I have nightmares sometimes, you know...
[ It's one of the very, very few things that he hasn't shared with his twin. But he must have noticed by now, how restless he is some nights, the way that he tosses and turns. ]
[ They might regret it sometimes, letting both twins live. He's considered that option too. If they had killed the younger twin, they would have never had to deal with such issues. That's not uncommon in families that have to choose a single heir. It's just too difficult when there's two siblings who should be of equal status. Their parents hadn't, instead making a clear distinction between the two of them. How fortunate that the younger one had grown to be so deferential, while the older twin was the troublesome one.
He should be happy. He'll never have an trouble in life, and yet he causes the same for everyone around him.
It's probably because he loves the person next to him. If he didn't have him, he wouldn't have such fits, because he would never think that life could be different. He wouldn't notice the smiles that others had, or the way the latch onto and tease each other. He wouldn't dare dream of sharing that burden, nor allowing any other to have it, for he would need think of no one other than himself.
He would be free to love only Sou Hiyori then. But in exchange, he would have no one who could understand him. Perhaps those dreams are a sign of what could have been then. ]
It's always the same. I'm in a classroom that I've never seen before, but it seems familiar, as though my entire life had been built up for the sake of being there... Yet, despite that feeling, there's always blood on my hands. The person changes, and sometimes there's others, but it's as though they're on loop... It's always the same people, always the same deaths...
It's always the same feeling, as though my heart were tarnished and covered in rust, a sickening emptiness... What could that feeling be called if not despair...?
[ He murmurs, understanding without understanding. He holds Komaeda's hand tight to the point of discomfort, but not quite pain, for several seconds before he finally eases up. ]
It's as though it's a video on repeat, one scene after another at night, until that disgusting feeling slips away and I allow myself to be caught... Yet, I believe my actions were righteous... Yet, I feel as though nothing is the same after that, and it can never be the same again... Every time, it starts and ends the same way, with death after death followed by satisfaction...
[ Frightening, so frightening, because... ]
... I don't know those people, nor the place, nor even what led to that feeling, and yet I somehow know.. You didn't exist in those dreams. You weren't there for me, and I have the sense that it could have been me...
[ It's the strangest thing, really, as he should have no reason to believe it. He's a man of science and not religion, and so he doesn't know that alternate timelines or reincarnation exist. But he has the sense that he's peeking into another possible world, into the life of a Sou Hiyori who was left to his own devices. He feels himself living the life of a version of himself who had no one and nothing. But he's never felt despair, he's never bitten into the forbidden fruit and seen the rot that hides within.
In his twin he's found love, a warm blanket that accepts him no matter how cold and pathetic he might be, a small golden land that he may visit at night when he can be held in his arms. The world is a callous and difficult place, but he finds sanctuary in the arms of his twin. He buries his face against him and breathes in his scent and the world seems right again, he hears the reassurances and soothing words that center him by promising that all is well, that he is well.
It's almost like he had prayed for things to be different next time so that he might not make the same mistakes. But dreams are just dreams, no matter how repetitive or unsettling. ]
Edited 2022-06-19 04:44 (UTC)
(deleted comment)
oh no hope u sleep well... i'm doing this before i go to church bc i gotta pray abt this
[ He's here for now, and it's that fact which allows Hiyori to loosen his grip. Hiyori's dreams are a secret that he shares with no other. It makes him uncomfortable to think about them, and he knows that nothing good will come of telling them to others. His mind is just as important and his body and were he to show signs of illness he would be put through all manner of treatments. It would take away even more of his limited time to ensure that he would be at no risk of harming himself or how others view him.
The crunching of grass and the melody of crickets chirping remind him of where he is. It's easier to breathe here, away from that house and the school that creeps into his dreams at night. It's easier when he has a hand squeezing his own tight, loving reminders of how far away that place he dreams of is. ]
I know... As long as I have you, I'll never have to act alone.
[ But there's days when he wonders what he might do if Komaeda a were to leave him, and on those days the nightmares seem to be a premonition, a past that he'll loop back around to one day. Where might these feelings of his go when there's no longer a gentle hand to wipe them away, nor kind words which purify his every ill thought? What purpose will they serve? He wants to ask, but his feelings won't reach, no more than his prayer will reach the stars he wishes on. The person he dreams of is no different than him, isolated and never once understood despite all the love given to him.
But it's not as though it were some tantrum thrown for a lack of understanding, nor was it spite and hatred that guided his hand. It was something deeper than that, more complicated than a tantrum thrown by a child. ]
It was for the people that survived. None of them could see it, none of them could understand how frail they were - how close they were to the cliff, and so I pushed a few of them off to awaken the rest... I couldn't see any way to save the collective whole but to push a few of them off.
[ It was nothing as beautiful as bodies being returned to the earth, but a blood red carpet and the thick smell of iron in the air. He remembers the scratches on his hand, the way that they throbbed once the adrenaline rush died down. That death had stung, crawled into his rotten heart, because he had been fond of that girl, and a miscalculation on his part meant that she died a far more slow and painful death than he would have liked.
It's what their parents have taught him. There is weakness in comfort, as it stifles growth, while suffering is what allows a person to rise to the top. The pain he feels now will be of great use in the future, as each hurt is aids in his teaching and helps him to grow callouses. The bruise on his cheek is much in the same. He'll reevaluate his actions and approach before discussing the matter with them again. He no longer argues so much, and when he's struck he no longer cries or glares at them like a petulant child. He takes it was he should, quietly, without complaint.
That's all it was. He was dragging that place into that water not to drown it, but to cleanse it of its sinful and hedonistic ways. He, too, needed to gouge out his own indulgence and set it down as payment for his future success. It was an act of love, and who would know better than Hiyori of how much suffering can be packed into love, how much people are forced to do things they hate in order to better their children, than Hiyori who is cared for more than any other? ]
It was for their own good, Nagito, but... It was cold, and painful, and lonely, like I was drowning...
[ He's murmuring by the end, trying to process feelings that don't parse well with his current way of living. He was sinking into some inky black pit, and there was no one who would pull him out, until he finally managed to surface on his own. But some of that substance stuck to the walls of his lungs, and if he were unlucky he supposes the rest of his life might have been trying to dislodge it. ]
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GOD THIS HEAT IS AWFUL i swear it's melting my brain
[ Was it good for their own good? It's difficult to say without the full context to look at, but he's sure that he had thought it to be necessary. It was for their own good, but it was for him as well, so that he could kill some part of him that was still weak and faltering. He needed them to be prepared for what would come, but should they fail, he needed to be as well. He would need to be able to be anyone, to do anything, because one day . . . . . .
He can't remember what it was that he had left him so certain, though even now it makes his stomach churn just to think of. It's like an itch that he can never scratch, some sickening need to rip out some weed by it's roots before it can choke out all the life around it. But as long as Komaeda keeps a tight hold on his hand he can't move it, he can't tear out his own heart out along with the field bindweed spreading its poison. He clings to that hand, that grasp which reminds him that he's not alone, that there's no trial that he can't overcome if only they pool their resources together.
He's still thinking on that question as they sit down, the log creaking beneath him, and he rests the blanket on his lap. He reaches over to secure the shawl properly around Komaeda, adjusting it so it covers him more fully. He wraps an arm around his waist to pull him close, resting his head on his shoulder and staring out into the distance. Was it for their own good? Was it for his own? What is that he needed then and now? That loneliness, that venom, that fear that crawled down his throat and left him more dangerous than any other. ]
Yes... I sacrificed a piece of myself along with them in order to save the rest. It was my solution for the trolley problem. I didn't care if no one understood me, because they wouldn't be hurt like that again. If they couldn't protect themselves, then I would... I gave up a piece of myself, but I gained the qualifications to watch over the world.
[ Almost like a god, he thinks. Hope can only focus on building things up and looking to the future, despair can only destroy what's built as they're worn down by an unkind past and present, and selfish adults can only see their desires, but a god who watches over others can see everything despite having nothing. He would wake them up, he would wake himself up, and even if they fell back asleep he would keep vigil. It wasn't noble and he's no martyr, but merely a person who had chosen a path paved with blood and built up by bodies. He was a person who had become something greater.
He always find a different path now, so he should have been able to then. ]
It's being with you, Nacchan... I don't just say that because I love you, or because you you keep me from doing anything rash...
[ He lifts his head to look at him now, kissing his cheek. ]
We were born together, but everything since then has been my choice. Being with you, taking care of you, loving you... I chose you above all others, and I always will.
[ He hasn't had many choices in life. They've all been made for him, his life carefully structured so that as an adult he can succeed in a way that no other can. He's the result of the pooled resources of two great minds, beloved and special, and that's why they're better fit to guide him along in this journey. Being hit, being lectured, being punished in any number of ways are all for his own good, a labor of love that hurts them more than him. But Komaeda was always his choice. ]
(deleted comment)
OK TRUE honestly idk what they be talking about half the time
[ He's just one person, but there's so much placed upon him, and he's happy for the fact that Komaeda can't see the uncertainty that he wears. Those who are qualified to lead active figures that can and will do anything that they should ask those under their care to. There's ways to inspire loyalty, but none can expect to be followed should they not lead by action, but they must also understand the need to depend on others. The latter is still lost on him.
He reaches up to touch the bruise on his cheek. It stings, and he knows that there will be worse punishments should he continue to argue with them. It would be easier to let it go and settle for finding a means of ending the marriage, but he can't accept that. It would be better than fighting a losing battle, as they've never once allowed him a win. It would only embolden him if they were to do so. They'll explain it to him, they'll later show him that it was the correct choices, but the few times they've budged was due to the involvement of a third party.
But he still can't accept being expected to devote his life to another. He rubs Komaeda's side, reaching out his other hand to place it over his. His words sting more than they should. Hiyori can't shake the feeling that he's siding with them over for him, or how unfair that is, and maybe needing that validation is why he's still called a child. His fingers curl around Komaeda's hand gently. ]
You don't recognize how incredible you are, Nagito... There's no one who can compare your brilliance... I treasure your love more than I all the riches in the world, for you are my entire world... How can I be asked to share my life in another when you have the whole of my heart? Why, when I can love only you...?
[ There's pieces of his twin that he envies. It comes so naturally for him to care for others. His love is pure and brilliant, unmarred by paranoia and expectations, and every word and motion is genuine. There's no one like him. If their parents had only looked, they would see his potential, for he's no less intelligent or talented than Hiyori.
Why can't they notice, why does he have to give up all the happiness that he holds for the whims of adults? More simply, and in a far quietly voice, he adds, ]
... It's not fair, Nacchan...
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they're doing their best and i love them for that but they're still kinda insane
[ It's the same answer as always from him, too, no matter how many times he tires to assert himself. Their parents' refusal to listen is inevitable, and the servants employed by them have no choice but to smile and promise that his parents only want what's best for him, but his twin whom he shares his entire self with has no need to be like them. Up until now he's accepted it well enough, as no matter how much it stung those soothing reassurances were enough to placate him, but now it just feels like a betrayal.
It wouldn't be wrong for them to run away and to stand his ground wherever they chose, no more than it's wrong for him to dig his heels in now and refuse. He tilts his head back a tad, turning his eyes up to try and see Komaeda's expression while hoping his own will be missed. It's subtle, as he's learned to hide his disappointment well enough to at least train it into something more neutral, but twins always know what the other is feeling.
His hand tightens in a little squeeze, and he thinks it would be fair if he were to simply stay here. The glow of the fireflies dot the scenery, the chorus of crickets fill the air along with the rustling of leaves, and if they go a little further out he could hear the waves crashing back into the water. But he thinks it wouldn't be wrong if he were to use this body as he pleased either. He is inherit everything that the Hiyori family has accumulated over time, then it occurs to him that it really does mean everything - the riches built up by it, the possessions and knowledge they've maintained, and the lives fostered by them, as he'll act as their guide and leader. Their minds, their bodies, their very lives will belong to him before long.
If that's the case then... ]
I'm not getting married. That's the one thing I won't let them force, no matter how they might push the matter.
[ Then... ]
They didn't listen tonight, but I'm sure they will tomorrow. They'll see how inadvisable this is...
[ Would it really be wrong for him to take what's rightfully his...? ]
[ It's like a noose being tightened around his throat, shackles that tie him to this family, and it's one that others aren't force to wear as they walk about through life. If he just hadn't noticed it, he would have been fine. He's always been assured that he was better than all others, and in his heart of hearts he believes that. He has everything in this world save the freedom and happiness that all others possess. It's the trade that was made for him before he was even born. He can never be free when his mind and body exist solely for the Hiyori family.
There's a dark cloud in his mind that turns over possibilities. There's drastic actions that could be taken, of course. He could make good on those promises that all that the family possesses should belong to him, or he could follow those teachings that a leader isn't the strongest, but the one who breaks noses and crushes any who would question their authority under their heel. He must be the best at everything, and he must suppress anyone who might even think of being seen as otherwise. He could pretend to take a hand for marriage before making a show of snapping every finger, and the incident would cause long lasting issues.
There's no soft kisses to wipe those away, but his words dull the blade in his hand, because there's not a single person in his life who has the confidence in Hiyori that he has in himself. His wants are discarded along with his words, they move on as though it's a foregone conclusion, and above all else he can't accept that. It's a hole in his chest that's torn open a little more with each passing moment, but he doesn't cry or throw a tantrum like a child would. His breathing remains steady, the little squeeze to Komaeda's side gentle and reassuring, his smile - hidden as it is - taking on a guilty quality.
It's because he won't acknowledge his frustration and upset that he feels no hurt, that he doesn't need to break down as others do.
It's because he can hold it all in that he's growing up to be such a wonderful adult. ]
... If it comes to that, then we can. I won't do anything rash, but there's no harm in changing their minds, is there? I'm sure that I can, Nagito. You may be right that it's a futile effort, but I won't be satisfied until I've exhausted every option. If I'm still not able to change it, then I'll accept it gracefully.
[ Those words are carefully chosen as they should be, words that recognize the other party and accept their argument without quite deferring to them. But there's truth to what Hiyori says too; however futile it might be, a person who tries nothing will only be left with regretful what ifs.
However, there is one point that he feels the need to correct: ]
I have no need for another to grow my status. Theirs is nothing when compared to mine, and one who wishes to fill the same role while falling behind me and that I have no love for can only prove to be a burden.
Edited 2022-06-25 22:20 (UTC)
(deleted comment)
STOPPPP HE WON'T DO IT NOW THAT HE PROMISED KOMAEDA TO BE GOOD SIGH!
[ It might be suspicious if he were raised from birth to accept the idea. He wouldn't have needed to question it until he saw other couples who smiled naturally, elderly couples who held hands as they shopped together, parents who looked at each other as though their little three-person family were the only people in the world, and youth who argued and teased and clung to each other as though it were the most natural thing in the world. If he had been taught to accept that love would only blossom after marriage, then he might have been able to look down on that too, rather than developing such a romantic view of the world - tales of couples that came together despite hardship, tales of those who developed it so naturally, all of them stories where loved conquered all.
They regret that fact now, and he's seen it in their faces when they discuss the matter. Yet they had thought that raising him properly would allow him to find a suitable partner without their help; somebody who carried themselves with grace and beauty while harboring an unmatched strength, intelligent and connected and rich but deferential enough to realize they were only there to support him. Not some disgusting servant girl, or perhaps a commoner at his school, as he does seem to get along well with those who attend his school based on academic value alone.
But they didn't, and he didn't, and now they're taking matters into their own hands to prevent him from making a mistake like always. ]
... Yes, a few times. We've met during marriage interviews, but there's nothing special about her. Women and men like her are a dime a dozen. She understands the world well enough to pay attention to the needs of all without looking down upon them, she's smart enough to absorb material, and she has a certain level of acclaim. But there's nothing more to her. She's crafted as she was intended to be, and I could switch her out with any other and all that would change is the appearance.
[ None of which is wrong. However many quirks she may have, they're nothing more than a vslight humanization. It's dull, boring, the same as all others. He respects such figures well enough and is happy to coordinate with him, but the idea of being shackled to a person who's nothing more than a lesser version of himself makes him sick.
He wants someone beautiful, someone different, a person who makes him see the world as something more than empty and gray, full of shadows that all bleed together. There was a servant girl when they were younger, or perhaps it was the child of one, who had the same effect on him - the shine in her eyes and her passion, the way she spoke of mysteries with him while creating entire worlds of her own, had so captured his heart. It wasn't the love and passion that he has for his twin, but... It was as close as he's ever come to it with anyone else... Ah, how they would fume if they knew that. ]
I've made my feelings clear from the start, so it should come as no surprise to them. They had promised it to be my choice, but their unhappiness with that decision and desire to rush matters has clouded their judgment.
[ He sighs. They're as afraid as he is, but they can act and he cannot, and their judgment is sound while his is faulty. But as they've continued on and pushed the matter more, so too has Hiyori dug in his heels and refused to comply. ]
They're worried that I'm going to run off with some servant girl, or Saachan... I don't love her in the same way I do you, Nagito, but her beauty too is something far greater than any they've subjected me to... Even now, her world is far more full of life than ours.
[ If he had to describe his love for her... It might be that of a sister, a diluted version of the the kind of familial love her should be able to give his twin. ]
Edited 2022-06-26 00:54 (UTC)
(deleted comment)
HE IS A BAD INFLUENCE when we take komaeda away and put him somewhere safe!
[ Perhaps if he were raised differently, he might be more capable of loving others. But he's been taught everything save how to properly give and receive love, and so it's only a select few who can drip paint onto his empty canvas, and even then the color fades with time. It's his twin who paints the world with a brush, using a different color each day. The rest of the world is beloved under his care, but with each passing day those within it seem to only grow further away from him.
What is it about Komaeda that makes him special? It's not his sickness, for he would shine even brighter if freed from its shackles, and it cannot be his familial relationship when he has little love others within it. There's something different about him, though, that makes it so Hiyori's eyes can only settle upon him for so long. Perhaps it's because he's been able to teach him all those things which others have failed to.
He sits there for a few seconds longer, his fingers brushing against the fabric of the blanket. His hand is too empty when its not holding another, but after a moment he slips the blanket under his arm once more and follows his lead. He dusts off his pants and tugs at his shirt to ensure everything's settled into place. His eyes trail down to this stomach, the way his hand had moved over it having been noticed, but he tucks his concern away for later. ]
No... I would love you no matter what, Nagito. In any life, in any place, I would find you, and I would love you, and until I did my world would be foggy and gray.
[ He reaches his hand over to touch the edge of the edges of the sheet on him, fingering it as he considers what comes next. The idea of consummating their marriage as is so often expected of the first night makes his face flush, and Hiyori finds that he doesn't mind waiting after so suddenly springing this upon the other. No, he finds that just spending tonight curled up with him under the stars, feeling his skin beneath his fingers as he holds him tight and breathing in his scent as he nuzzles against the top of his head should be enough to fill his heart with an unmatched happiness.
It makes the idea of leaving him here that much more painful... Ah, but his twin has always been the one to try and protect him in these situations. He reaches out to gingerly grip his wrist, rubbing the inside with his thumb. ]
I remember... I cried and caused such a fuss then, and our parents were terribly upset about it... But, Nacchan, none of this is your fault. You shouldn't have to put yourself at risk for my sake... No, I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to you.
[ Isn't that the entire reason he's so upset? Komaeda pushes and pushes him to accept how close his death it, and the idea of not even being able to spend that time with him is unbearable. ]
THEY'RE SO GROSS sigh i love them anyway, my gross sons
He shakes his head in response to the question. It scared him a little at first, but they're already past that point. He's already learned that the world is there for him to build up and burn down as he pleases. He only need learn how. But still, the sting that his touch brings reminds him that he's not there. One hand moves up to the one over his cheek, and the sting of it is nothing compared to the words spoken. A year and a half? Just ridiculous. Why is it that they're all against him? Why does no one listen to him!? They'll do nothing but live and die separately! He's not worth living for! It's not worth it to see his future! So why should he listen to any of them? Why shouldn't he - ]
Nacchan... It doesn't matter to me if we're related. Love knows boundaries, and the heart wants what it wants.
[ He closes his eyes and presses his cheek against that hand and he opens his eyes, the warm smile never having budged. His twin is beautiful in the moonlight, wearing the veil for their wedding and a pendant that symbolizes their union. It's breathtaking, enough to washes away everything and anything until there's only him, and it reminds him that such questions are those of a a child abdicating responsibility. Hiyori can do better, he can do more, and when he does he can change everything. He can make them listen, he can cure every illness, and he can break down every wall.
They both have a role to play, but the night has always belonged to them, and the moon that shines upon them now gives its blessing night and day. But he can change that too. He just needs to find a way. But he won't think of that tonight, instead keeping his eyes fixed on the person that he loves most. He can't see the light that he radiates, but Hiyori does. Those times when he's cried, when he's smiled, when he's pouted and sulked and thrown a tantrum - he's been there for them all, shining upon him and wiping away every hurt and dark thought.
He has nightmares sometimes, and he wonders if they might not have been predictions for the future. They were warnings, precognitive dreams, yet each time those dark futures would be erased by his twin's light. ]
Yes... I understand. We have to return to being Sou and Nagito tomorrow, twins who were born together yet who must lead separate lives, but tonight... Please, let me have all of you.
ME thinkin bout them following the ff tradition of one dying young & one living traumatized
He'd asked his mother once if they love each other, and she smiled and patted his head and answered that they've grown fond of each other. They're the ideal couple in public, the ideal partners who share a mutual respect and intelligence that allows them to work toward any goal, and a husband and wife who stay in separate rooms at night. He wraps his arms around Komaeda, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt as he buries his face against him.
Everything is about appearances. He wonders how many times they've been with someone else behind closed doors where no other can see. ]
... It doesn't matter if we're family or not. I would find you in each and every life, and I'll never once love another. I won't be with anyone else. I will be a husband to no one else, so let us speak of it no more.
[ Those words leave no room for argument, and even if one were to come it would fall on deaf ears. But there's a truth to it. For all of his kindness, there's the same cruelty that all rulers are capable of hidden just beneath the skin. He would slit a person's throat open to avoid touching such filth, and nothing would stop him from cutting a woman open and rip her womb out to prevent a birth, because it would be a happier ending. But he doesn't need to worry about such things. His husband is here, his happiness and his life is in his arms now, stroking his hair and purifying his dark thoughts.
He draws in a breath, clinging for several seconds more before giving a little nod and relinquishing his grip. Their parents will be asleep by now, in separate beds in rooms spaced apart. ]
Yes, let's. It's a little chilly out tonight, so you should bring a jacket... Do you think that we'll see a shooting star? Maybe if we make the same wish, it'll come true.
I HATE I TTOO, KO MY SELF INSERT FR
[ He sighs and shakes his head, rubbing his arm to try and ease some of his anxiety. There's a note of apology to his look, aware that he'd said something thoughtless. He does move to go to the closet now, finding a spare blanket and a shawl. He sets one atop the other before he makes his way back. No one will notice. He's watched strictly during the day and evenings, but at night even Hiyori is given relative freedom to do as he pleases. As long as he remains perfect, there should be no problem - perfect grades, perfect behavior, perfect friends, perfect everything so that he'll be perfectly loved.
It was a mistake to act so strongly on his emotions. It's not something he can or will accept, but he needs to be more reasonable in his approach. It has to be as flawless as everything else about him, albeit even Hiyori himself can't say why it upset him so much. It's much like how he can't understand the sickening feeling that he gets watching others go about their day, nor the way his stomach churns as he watches them smile and laugh, talk and argue about things that don't matter.
It never occurs to him that they're happy, because he can't acknowledge that he's unhappy. No one would find the smile that he wears to be any less genuine or cordial. He's practiced for years, spending long hours in front of the mirror until he had mastered everything from mirthful to sheepish to sympathetic. But it seems different when others do it, the way that their moods fluctuate and they laugh even as they complain, how easily everything seems to come to them. The way that couples cling to each other and squeak and embarrass one another with stupid pick up lines and teasing.
It's because he's better than them, he thinks. The way that they act is embarrassing. It's vapid and worthless, and it's why they remain so far beneath him. It's because they all love him so despite not knowing him at all, and how foolish is that? He would never lead such an aimless life. Because he knows already - they can't make their dreams reality, but he can. He can do anything. He just has to work harder until he reaches his goals.
He has his twin, and he has everything he has and will build up, so he doesn't need anything else. He has the person he loves most, the one who colors his world and puts his heart at ease, and so if he had just one wish... ]
You have to keep what you wish for a secret too! It won't come true otherwise! But if by some chance we do... Yes, I'm certain that it'll come true! God will hear us and grant a miracle.
[ ... It would be to be happy with his twin like this always, in this life and in the next, for all eternity. But there's no reason to believe God exists, and happiness isn't something that one can simply wish for.
He has to work even harder so he can grasp the dreams and miracles of love. He has to be willing to do anything to preserve it, and he will, no matter what the cost might be. He steps out the window and into the courtyard, careful with the first couple steps. ]
OK THAT'S TRUE BUT I LOVE HIM FOR IT!!
If he lays the blanket out for them to rest on, he can pull some over him. Between the two and Hiyori, he should be able to stay warm enough. These plans are normal for Hiyori, who's always been sick and frail. Yet, he can't see him as anything other than beautiful. He's never thought of him as odd or moody, and his mood swings are part of his personality. He's perfect, but were he any other way he would be just as wonderful and beloved. ]
You're right... You are Nagito Hiyori, my dearly beloved husband... You shine brighter than any star in the sky. I don't know what I'd do without your light to guide me.
[ Komaeda is a vibrant light that seems to erase everything else, so blinding that he can focus on nothing else. He seems to burn even brighter today, and there's only him, wearing a sheet as a veil, holding his hand, the person he would build a caste with if only he would live to see its walls put up. He's can try to forget his life as the heir of the Hiyori family when it's just the two of them. He doesn't resent his role, but he wishes to focus on his own wants, on who he is, and who he loves most. It's selfish, but he's already accepted that he's selfish.
It's a little cool out, but he feels so warm. It must be because his face is red as he sheds that identity and he thinks of what they could have - it hurts his heart to think of how short that time might be, but even then his heart thumps at the though of what they might do together. Maybe their parents can't know, but certainly there's one or two of their friends who could understand. ]
Maybe we can find one shaped like heart with an arrow through it.
[ One for lovers. ]
NOT HIS MPREG ASS I'M CRYING when will he steal hiyori's sperm again
If anyone has a right to hate him, it's Komaeda. There are so many members of their extended family who would be happy to kill him, to insert themselves into his position, and yet the only one who has the qualification to do so won't squeeze no matter how many times he wraps his arm around his neck. They should be equals though. They should share in everything, and be given everything, but instead it's only him. Hiyori knows it too - if he were to get sick now, to develop the same afflictions as his twin, he wouldn't be given the option of dying. He would be forced through treatments, cured whether he wanted to be or not.
So why does Komaeda get to choose? Why don't his parents love him enough to force him, just as they love Hiyori enough to force him through everything and anything? He hates it, he hates it, he hates it so much that he wishes they were all dead some days.
He squeezes his hand in return, kissing his head. ]
If we do, I want to name it after you...
[ He should leave that first point alone, let them just have a nice night, because he should just accept his role in life and be so grateful for it, he should accept who's chosen for him and what's chosen for him and yet - ]
Nacchan... Our parents treated us differently, but to me you're everything. It's only when I'm with you that I can live as Sou, rather than the heir to the Hiyori family. It's only when I'm with you that I can believe that nothing will go wrong.
[ A beat, then he adds, ]
I have nightmares sometimes, you know...
[ It's one of the very, very few things that he hasn't shared with his twin. But he must have noticed by now, how restless he is some nights, the way that he tosses and turns. ]
STOOOPPP HE DOESN'T BUT THIS IS HIS LIFE NOW!
He should be happy. He'll never have an trouble in life, and yet he causes the same for everyone around him.
It's probably because he loves the person next to him. If he didn't have him, he wouldn't have such fits, because he would never think that life could be different. He wouldn't notice the smiles that others had, or the way the latch onto and tease each other. He wouldn't dare dream of sharing that burden, nor allowing any other to have it, for he would need think of no one other than himself.
He would be free to love only Sou Hiyori then. But in exchange, he would have no one who could understand him. Perhaps those dreams are a sign of what could have been then. ]
It's always the same. I'm in a classroom that I've never seen before, but it seems familiar, as though my entire life had been built up for the sake of being there... Yet, despite that feeling, there's always blood on my hands. The person changes, and sometimes there's others, but it's as though they're on loop... It's always the same people, always the same deaths...
It's always the same feeling, as though my heart were tarnished and covered in rust, a sickening emptiness... What could that feeling be called if not despair...?
[ He murmurs, understanding without understanding. He holds Komaeda's hand tight to the point of discomfort, but not quite pain, for several seconds before he finally eases up. ]
It's as though it's a video on repeat, one scene after another at night, until that disgusting feeling slips away and I allow myself to be caught... Yet, I believe my actions were righteous... Yet, I feel as though nothing is the same after that, and it can never be the same again... Every time, it starts and ends the same way, with death after death followed by satisfaction...
[ Frightening, so frightening, because... ]
... I don't know those people, nor the place, nor even what led to that feeling, and yet I somehow know.. You didn't exist in those dreams. You weren't there for me, and I have the sense that it could have been me...
[ It's the strangest thing, really, as he should have no reason to believe it. He's a man of science and not religion, and so he doesn't know that alternate timelines or reincarnation exist. But he has the sense that he's peeking into another possible world, into the life of a Sou Hiyori who was left to his own devices. He feels himself living the life of a version of himself who had no one and nothing. But he's never felt despair, he's never bitten into the forbidden fruit and seen the rot that hides within.
In his twin he's found love, a warm blanket that accepts him no matter how cold and pathetic he might be, a small golden land that he may visit at night when he can be held in his arms. The world is a callous and difficult place, but he finds sanctuary in the arms of his twin. He buries his face against him and breathes in his scent and the world seems right again, he hears the reassurances and soothing words that center him by promising that all is well, that he is well.
It's almost like he had prayed for things to be different next time so that he might not make the same mistakes. But dreams are just dreams, no matter how repetitive or unsettling. ]
oh no hope u sleep well... i'm doing this before i go to church bc i gotta pray abt this
The crunching of grass and the melody of crickets chirping remind him of where he is. It's easier to breathe here, away from that house and the school that creeps into his dreams at night. It's easier when he has a hand squeezing his own tight, loving reminders of how far away that place he dreams of is. ]
I know... As long as I have you, I'll never have to act alone.
[ But there's days when he wonders what he might do if Komaeda a were to leave him, and on those days the nightmares seem to be a premonition, a past that he'll loop back around to one day. Where might these feelings of his go when there's no longer a gentle hand to wipe them away, nor kind words which purify his every ill thought? What purpose will they serve? He wants to ask, but his feelings won't reach, no more than his prayer will reach the stars he wishes on. The person he dreams of is no different than him, isolated and never once understood despite all the love given to him.
But it's not as though it were some tantrum thrown for a lack of understanding, nor was it spite and hatred that guided his hand. It was something deeper than that, more complicated than a tantrum thrown by a child. ]
It was for the people that survived. None of them could see it, none of them could understand how frail they were - how close they were to the cliff, and so I pushed a few of them off to awaken the rest... I couldn't see any way to save the collective whole but to push a few of them off.
[ It was nothing as beautiful as bodies being returned to the earth, but a blood red carpet and the thick smell of iron in the air. He remembers the scratches on his hand, the way that they throbbed once the adrenaline rush died down. That death had stung, crawled into his rotten heart, because he had been fond of that girl, and a miscalculation on his part meant that she died a far more slow and painful death than he would have liked.
It's what their parents have taught him. There is weakness in comfort, as it stifles growth, while suffering is what allows a person to rise to the top. The pain he feels now will be of great use in the future, as each hurt is aids in his teaching and helps him to grow callouses. The bruise on his cheek is much in the same. He'll reevaluate his actions and approach before discussing the matter with them again. He no longer argues so much, and when he's struck he no longer cries or glares at them like a petulant child. He takes it was he should, quietly, without complaint.
That's all it was. He was dragging that place into that water not to drown it, but to cleanse it of its sinful and hedonistic ways. He, too, needed to gouge out his own indulgence and set it down as payment for his future success. It was an act of love, and who would know better than Hiyori of how much suffering can be packed into love, how much people are forced to do things they hate in order to better their children, than Hiyori who is cared for more than any other? ]
It was for their own good, Nagito, but... It was cold, and painful, and lonely, like I was drowning...
[ He's murmuring by the end, trying to process feelings that don't parse well with his current way of living. He was sinking into some inky black pit, and there was no one who would pull him out, until he finally managed to surface on his own. But some of that substance stuck to the walls of his lungs, and if he were unlucky he supposes the rest of his life might have been trying to dislodge it. ]
GOD THIS HEAT IS AWFUL i swear it's melting my brain
He can't remember what it was that he had left him so certain, though even now it makes his stomach churn just to think of. It's like an itch that he can never scratch, some sickening need to rip out some weed by it's roots before it can choke out all the life around it. But as long as Komaeda keeps a tight hold on his hand he can't move it, he can't tear out his own heart out along with the field bindweed spreading its poison. He clings to that hand, that grasp which reminds him that he's not alone, that there's no trial that he can't overcome if only they pool their resources together.
He's still thinking on that question as they sit down, the log creaking beneath him, and he rests the blanket on his lap. He reaches over to secure the shawl properly around Komaeda, adjusting it so it covers him more fully. He wraps an arm around his waist to pull him close, resting his head on his shoulder and staring out into the distance. Was it for their own good? Was it for his own? What is that he needed then and now? That loneliness, that venom, that fear that crawled down his throat and left him more dangerous than any other. ]
Yes... I sacrificed a piece of myself along with them in order to save the rest. It was my solution for the trolley problem. I didn't care if no one understood me, because they wouldn't be hurt like that again. If they couldn't protect themselves, then I would... I gave up a piece of myself, but I gained the qualifications to watch over the world.
[ Almost like a god, he thinks. Hope can only focus on building things up and looking to the future, despair can only destroy what's built as they're worn down by an unkind past and present, and selfish adults can only see their desires, but a god who watches over others can see everything despite having nothing. He would wake them up, he would wake himself up, and even if they fell back asleep he would keep vigil. It wasn't noble and he's no martyr, but merely a person who had chosen a path paved with blood and built up by bodies. He was a person who had become something greater.
He always find a different path now, so he should have been able to then. ]
It's being with you, Nacchan... I don't just say that because I love you, or because you you keep me from doing anything rash...
[ He lifts his head to look at him now, kissing his cheek. ]
We were born together, but everything since then has been my choice. Being with you, taking care of you, loving you... I chose you above all others, and I always will.
[ He hasn't had many choices in life. They've all been made for him, his life carefully structured so that as an adult he can succeed in a way that no other can. He's the result of the pooled resources of two great minds, beloved and special, and that's why they're better fit to guide him along in this journey. Being hit, being lectured, being punished in any number of ways are all for his own good, a labor of love that hurts them more than him. But Komaeda was always his choice. ]
OK TRUE honestly idk what they be talking about half the time
He reaches up to touch the bruise on his cheek. It stings, and he knows that there will be worse punishments should he continue to argue with them. It would be easier to let it go and settle for finding a means of ending the marriage, but he can't accept that. It would be better than fighting a losing battle, as they've never once allowed him a win. It would only embolden him if they were to do so. They'll explain it to him, they'll later show him that it was the correct choices, but the few times they've budged was due to the involvement of a third party.
But he still can't accept being expected to devote his life to another. He rubs Komaeda's side, reaching out his other hand to place it over his. His words sting more than they should. Hiyori can't shake the feeling that he's siding with them over for him, or how unfair that is, and maybe needing that validation is why he's still called a child. His fingers curl around Komaeda's hand gently. ]
You don't recognize how incredible you are, Nagito... There's no one who can compare your brilliance... I treasure your love more than I all the riches in the world, for you are my entire world... How can I be asked to share my life in another when you have the whole of my heart? Why, when I can love only you...?
[ There's pieces of his twin that he envies. It comes so naturally for him to care for others. His love is pure and brilliant, unmarred by paranoia and expectations, and every word and motion is genuine. There's no one like him. If their parents had only looked, they would see his potential, for he's no less intelligent or talented than Hiyori.
Why can't they notice, why does he have to give up all the happiness that he holds for the whims of adults? More simply, and in a far quietly voice, he adds, ]
... It's not fair, Nacchan...
they're doing their best and i love them for that but they're still kinda insane
It wouldn't be wrong for them to run away and to stand his ground wherever they chose, no more than it's wrong for him to dig his heels in now and refuse. He tilts his head back a tad, turning his eyes up to try and see Komaeda's expression while hoping his own will be missed. It's subtle, as he's learned to hide his disappointment well enough to at least train it into something more neutral, but twins always know what the other is feeling.
His hand tightens in a little squeeze, and he thinks it would be fair if he were to simply stay here. The glow of the fireflies dot the scenery, the chorus of crickets fill the air along with the rustling of leaves, and if they go a little further out he could hear the waves crashing back into the water. But he thinks it wouldn't be wrong if he were to use this body as he pleased either. He is inherit everything that the Hiyori family has accumulated over time, then it occurs to him that it really does mean everything - the riches built up by it, the possessions and knowledge they've maintained, and the lives fostered by them, as he'll act as their guide and leader. Their minds, their bodies, their very lives will belong to him before long.
If that's the case then... ]
I'm not getting married. That's the one thing I won't let them force, no matter how they might push the matter.
[ Then... ]
They didn't listen tonight, but I'm sure they will tomorrow. They'll see how inadvisable this is...
[ Would it really be wrong for him to take what's rightfully his...? ]
STOP HE'S JUST TALKING ABOUT PARENTICDE
There's a dark cloud in his mind that turns over possibilities. There's drastic actions that could be taken, of course. He could make good on those promises that all that the family possesses should belong to him, or he could follow those teachings that a leader isn't the strongest, but the one who breaks noses and crushes any who would question their authority under their heel. He must be the best at everything, and he must suppress anyone who might even think of being seen as otherwise. He could pretend to take a hand for marriage before making a show of snapping every finger, and the incident would cause long lasting issues.
There's no soft kisses to wipe those away, but his words dull the blade in his hand, because there's not a single person in his life who has the confidence in Hiyori that he has in himself. His wants are discarded along with his words, they move on as though it's a foregone conclusion, and above all else he can't accept that. It's a hole in his chest that's torn open a little more with each passing moment, but he doesn't cry or throw a tantrum like a child would. His breathing remains steady, the little squeeze to Komaeda's side gentle and reassuring, his smile - hidden as it is - taking on a guilty quality.
It's because he won't acknowledge his frustration and upset that he feels no hurt, that he doesn't need to break down as others do.
It's because he can hold it all in that he's growing up to be such a wonderful adult. ]
... If it comes to that, then we can. I won't do anything rash, but there's no harm in changing their minds, is there? I'm sure that I can, Nagito. You may be right that it's a futile effort, but I won't be satisfied until I've exhausted every option. If I'm still not able to change it, then I'll accept it gracefully.
[ Those words are carefully chosen as they should be, words that recognize the other party and accept their argument without quite deferring to them. But there's truth to what Hiyori says too; however futile it might be, a person who tries nothing will only be left with regretful what ifs.
However, there is one point that he feels the need to correct: ]
I have no need for another to grow my status. Theirs is nothing when compared to mine, and one who wishes to fill the same role while falling behind me and that I have no love for can only prove to be a burden.
STOPPPP HE WON'T DO IT NOW THAT HE PROMISED KOMAEDA TO BE GOOD SIGH!
They regret that fact now, and he's seen it in their faces when they discuss the matter. Yet they had thought that raising him properly would allow him to find a suitable partner without their help; somebody who carried themselves with grace and beauty while harboring an unmatched strength, intelligent and connected and rich but deferential enough to realize they were only there to support him. Not some disgusting servant girl, or perhaps a commoner at his school, as he does seem to get along well with those who attend his school based on academic value alone.
But they didn't, and he didn't, and now they're taking matters into their own hands to prevent him from making a mistake like always. ]
... Yes, a few times. We've met during marriage interviews, but there's nothing special about her. Women and men like her are a dime a dozen. She understands the world well enough to pay attention to the needs of all without looking down upon them, she's smart enough to absorb material, and she has a certain level of acclaim. But there's nothing more to her. She's crafted as she was intended to be, and I could switch her out with any other and all that would change is the appearance.
[ None of which is wrong. However many quirks she may have, they're nothing more than a vslight humanization. It's dull, boring, the same as all others. He respects such figures well enough and is happy to coordinate with him, but the idea of being shackled to a person who's nothing more than a lesser version of himself makes him sick.
He wants someone beautiful, someone different, a person who makes him see the world as something more than empty and gray, full of shadows that all bleed together. There was a servant girl when they were younger, or perhaps it was the child of one, who had the same effect on him - the shine in her eyes and her passion, the way she spoke of mysteries with him while creating entire worlds of her own, had so captured his heart. It wasn't the love and passion that he has for his twin, but... It was as close as he's ever come to it with anyone else... Ah, how they would fume if they knew that. ]
I've made my feelings clear from the start, so it should come as no surprise to them. They had promised it to be my choice, but their unhappiness with that decision and desire to rush matters has clouded their judgment.
[ He sighs. They're as afraid as he is, but they can act and he cannot, and their judgment is sound while his is faulty. But as they've continued on and pushed the matter more, so too has Hiyori dug in his heels and refused to comply. ]
They're worried that I'm going to run off with some servant girl, or Saachan... I don't love her in the same way I do you, Nagito, but her beauty too is something far greater than any they've subjected me to... Even now, her world is far more full of life than ours.
[ If he had to describe his love for her... It might be that of a sister, a diluted version of the the kind of familial love her should be able to give his twin. ]
HE IS A BAD INFLUENCE when we take komaeda away and put him somewhere safe!
What is it about Komaeda that makes him special? It's not his sickness, for he would shine even brighter if freed from its shackles, and it cannot be his familial relationship when he has little love others within it. There's something different about him, though, that makes it so Hiyori's eyes can only settle upon him for so long. Perhaps it's because he's been able to teach him all those things which others have failed to.
He sits there for a few seconds longer, his fingers brushing against the fabric of the blanket. His hand is too empty when its not holding another, but after a moment he slips the blanket under his arm once more and follows his lead. He dusts off his pants and tugs at his shirt to ensure everything's settled into place. His eyes trail down to this stomach, the way his hand had moved over it having been noticed, but he tucks his concern away for later. ]
No... I would love you no matter what, Nagito. In any life, in any place, I would find you, and I would love you, and until I did my world would be foggy and gray.
[ He reaches his hand over to touch the edge of the edges of the sheet on him, fingering it as he considers what comes next. The idea of consummating their marriage as is so often expected of the first night makes his face flush, and Hiyori finds that he doesn't mind waiting after so suddenly springing this upon the other. No, he finds that just spending tonight curled up with him under the stars, feeling his skin beneath his fingers as he holds him tight and breathing in his scent as he nuzzles against the top of his head should be enough to fill his heart with an unmatched happiness.
It makes the idea of leaving him here that much more painful... Ah, but his twin has always been the one to try and protect him in these situations. He reaches out to gingerly grip his wrist, rubbing the inside with his thumb. ]
I remember... I cried and caused such a fuss then, and our parents were terribly upset about it... But, Nacchan, none of this is your fault. You shouldn't have to put yourself at risk for my sake... No, I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to you.
[ Isn't that the entire reason he's so upset? Komaeda pushes and pushes him to accept how close his death it, and the idea of not even being able to spend that time with him is unbearable. ]
STOP I DON'T WANNA MARRY HIM OFF, I JUST WANT HIM SAFE FROM HIS INCESTOUS TWIN
NOT HINATA STOPPP I LAUGHED
snitches get stitches!!!!
WHOEVER SNITCHES!!!
Re: STOPPPP WHO DO WE LET SNITCH
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