( closed to @luck ) your turn to die: sou hiyori

[killed]

With varying vanities, from every part, they shift the moving toyshop of their heart.

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[killed]

[ There are those type. There's a part of him that wonders if that would be so bad. Hiyori has noticed a slight change since he met the boy sitting next to him. The faint anxiety that's always pulled at him is still there, but there's a faint sense of calm. The Ultimate Lucky Student is impossible - he doesn't see his husband as anything more than a title, he's a waste of talent, and he hurts and frustrates him as often as he makes his heart flutter, and yet, that need to act isn't always there with him. There's times when he feels calm.

He wraps his arms around Komaeda's shoulders, giving his shoulder a little squeeze. ]

Of course... There's nothing that could make me love anyone else. If we were reborn a hundred times, it would still be you, no matter how taboo it might be.

[ He tilts his head so that they can lean on each other, closing his eyes with a soft smile. ]

Would you think that i had lots and lots of hope then, if in that life I weren't tarnished as I am in this one?

[ He's teasing, but a part of him does wonder. ]

[killed]

[ It's an ugly word, but he's aware of how ugly he's seen by those who recall his actions. He doesn't regret it. He would do it again and again, he'd repeat it now and see a few dozen more die if only it would wake them up from the waking daydream they've been caught up in.

He's proud of himself for building himself up despite that. He's accomplished more at his young age than most will in a lifetime. But Komaeda has said it more than once, he lost some part of himself at that time. It changed the trajectory of his life in a way the can never undo.

He lets Komaeda pull away, his expression contemplative. ]

I love you too, Komaeda-kun... I suppose I did have a choice, but I'll stand by mine until the day that I die. I'm sure that place won't make the same mistake again, though I do worry.

[ If Hiyori were to burn it down, he would do so carefully. There are so many factors to consider, including the power vacuum that would be left. It would be critical for ASUNARO to sweep in and fill it before some bad actor could, yet what of others? ]

Even if Hope's Peak never grew from it, I would never apologize, because what I learned is too valuable to give up.

[ He's been waiting, and waiting, and waiting, taking small and large steps, ripping weeds out by the roots, all because of that singular incident. His dazzling silver tarnished as he sat and gazed upon the coastal sunset, always watching and waiting, representing neither hope nor despair for his work needs neither.

Komaeda is a bystander too, separate from both despite chasing after them. ]

Ah, yes... They believed that I would be at one time. They had such high expectations for me. Such a rare talent, from prestigious family, a natural leader who excels at everything, beloved by so many... I don't mean to boast, that is simply what they told me. [ He considers the question for a moment. He understands why he couldn't then, because he had done what was needed, but what about now? ] I'm not quite sure how to anymore, since I deviated from the path set out before me to crawl through thorny buses.

[ He doubts that'll make matters any better. Hiyori considers for a moment before adding, ]

Komaeda-kun... Have I told you why I rejected my invitation to Hope's Peak? I did so several times before finally agreeing.

[ He had his heart set on another place, a prestigious school that was no less fitting for his genius, but there was a good reason for that - a reason beneath the reason, as it were. He hasn't told him, of course, because he never told a single soul. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity for somebody to learn from it, fueled by loneliness and drugs and nostalgia and other complicated feelings. ]

[killed]

[ They're nothing alike in that sense. There's few more fortunate than Hiyori, who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. He was primed to become the person he is today, his every effort supported and encouraged. There's none better than him. It was, perhaps, a bit much for a child, but even now he doesn't think of it that way. It was opportunity after opportunity, care after care, success after success - each and every event led him to be even better. ]

No, that's not quite right.. You're right. I won't deny that I've been much more fortunate. I had loving parents and family to support me. To put it quite simply, I was raised to be a leader that could aid both Hope's Peak and ASUNARO in reaching greater heights and help to nurture a stronger bond between the two. My own parents were closely associated with both, and I was raised for that purpose. I was told that I would be better than anyone else.

[ There's neither resentment nor regret in his voice, as to be raised in such a manner was the best possible path for him. He wants for nothing in life, he's easily above all others in this life. The majority, Ultimates, those prodigies at his workplace - he can bring them all to their knees at any moment.

He supposes it must have been thoroughly discussed internally, and at some point Hope's Peak pulled into the fold. The politics of it are far more complicated than he cares to get into, but suffice to say it would have been to their benefit to be able to groom and construct such an important figure, one who could represent them and act as their very best - far better than the riffraff with their obvious lack of training and lackluster personalities.

Ah, he should be more honest. They just hoped that he would be deferential to them and allow them to amass further power and prestige. But he doesn't care what they wanted of him anymore. ]

My parents were quite strict, but I'm grateful for that now. Were it not for them, I'm certain that I would have wound up far worse... But at any rate, those of Hope's Peak saw that same potential for greatness, or so I was told, a future leader who could.. If I were to work as I should, I would be able to represent their hopes, and how that would change the world, and so on and so forth...

[ He laughs softly, embarrassed as he shakes his head. There's something about telling all this to a child that has nothing that feels stupid, but how else can he? It's not as though it'll change either of their circumstances. ]

Ahh, I was afraid... I was a bit of a cowardly child, you see, and I was certain that I would botch it. I would cause trouble for others, and I wouldn't be able to live up to their high expectations - I might crumble, and were I to do so, wouldn't I be crushing their hopes and expectations as well? How awful, how awful... I was so scared of failing... I'm sure that seems like a foolish and childish reason to Komaeda-kun, and it was, but I didn't want to disappoint them, and...

[ He frowns. In the end, he had been right to worry so, as he had botched it and embarrassed both of them. It had caused such trouble, but that is at least a decision that he can stand by. If they didn't improve, then it's not his fault but their own. He did everything for the good of others. He did it all correctly, just as he should have! He realized the truth of the world, and he build himself up, he made himself better.

He did everything right. He did! That miserable place recovered just fine, and now they cover their scars with long sleeves and armwarmers as they carry on while looking for something better than him - something that they'll never find. ]

... What if, for example, I hadn't come back from that despair? What if it was of a different flavor? It was quite terrible, but even then I wished to see hope... But if, for example, I simply decided that this very world should be thrown into despair...

[ He sighs, then repeats, ]

I didn't want to fail them like that, please forgive my dramatics, but that pressure was a bit much for me, and I didn't feel as though I could do it. Even while I was there, I was always afraid when they looked at me... Ahaha, I was always better than everyone else, always above them all, but I never quite felt like I could be what they wanted... I would surely bring it to ruin... It's so much easier to break than to build.

[ How scary to be the person who would build up the perfect castle in the perfect kingdom. He's certain enough that Komaeda will just scold and critize, and that's fine enough; he's had enough of it to not be bothered. ]

It would have been nice if I were worthy of such high expectations, but alas, I never quite felt it, and I couldn't quite managed to fix it without fracturing it a little.

[killed]

No, that's not quite it... Komaeda-kun likened me to a god, did he not? But gods must be careful, for if you do too much they grow dependent on you and can't stand on your own, but if you do nothing they lose hope. Gods must use a feather light touch while remaining separate from the world of humans.

[ Hiyori is no god, but a man who can guide the world with his hand. It's the human part of him that was afraid to join a school that promised they would shape into the world's hope, but it was the the endless futures that he spun that led to that blood-stained tragedy. He resents them for many things, but none more than the fact their inability to see how righteous and just his actions were. Their eyes are still closed, and from time to time he thinks about returning so that he might pry them them open and rip their eyelids off so that they can never close them again.

Those who should guide in the world of humans are nothing more than false prophets. They're worthless trash that can't save a single person, nor ones that can create the hope that they so desire to see. Their little games and experiments are nothing more than efforts to bring the world to ruin. False hope, true despair, he'll let neither infect the world that he's laid claim to.

He tilts his head back as he gives it a little more thought. Hiyori pinches a few pieces of popcorn between his fingers, popping them into his mouth and chewing on them slowly as he lets his mind wander once more to the endless possibilities that had once stood before him. There's a mutual resentment, a mutual fear, but if either had been willing to budge at the time it might have led to a different future. Hiyori was as immovable as they were, as he knows his actions to have been righteous and just.

It's not something that anyone can understand, and he wonders if he should stop there. If he continues on, he'll grow agitated. He closes his eyes, a little smile on his face, and there's a faint chuckle as he continues on for just a bit longer, ]

It was so frightening that I couldn't bring myself to agree to it, and once I did I struggled to accept the role... But I did everything right, as they wished, and I won't let anyone tell me otherwise, but... I suppose that I didn't expect them to be so quick to expel me.

[ It might have been embarrassment, or it might have been disappointment, but he thinks above all else Hiyori believes that it was fear that led them to take such decisive action. Those whom you place the most hope in have the potential to do the greatest harm, and they had such faith in him. He was a frightening child who was so beloved and so talented, but with an independent streak that was difficult to crush. They shudder when they hear his name now, they resent the trouble he caused him, and there's not much point thinking on what could have been now.

Ah, he shouldn't have said anything. He's gone and upset him now. But it's alright. They don't need to understand now, no more than a child need understand why their parent scolds them, when they can see his success. He'll do what they won't, what they can't, because that too is something he was trained to do. ]

[killed]

[ What is he now? He's Sou Hiyori, a simple doctor who cares for others. He breaks and builds as he pleases, and he watches to see how people change in response to it. He acts without regard for the wants of others, as he knows better than them. He waits for the day when he'll raise his knife and sink it straight into the heart of the person who holds the same power to burn down the world that he does. He watches to ensure that nothing goes awry. He has the same fierce independent streak that Komaeda does, which makes him difficult - one fueled by fear and hate; love and devotion.

His eyes flutter open, but it's still only Sou Hiyori who stares up at the ceiling. It's painted a warm color, a pleasant contrast to the bright whites so often associated with a hospital room. It takes a couple more bites for him to decide on a direction to steer the direction in. If he pushes back too hard, then he'll only leave the boy sitting next to him feeling frustrated and hopeless... No, perhaps he should be a bit more open minded.

He tilts his head, staring at him for a moment before using his good hand to reach over to brush the hair out of his face. ]

... It was. If I were to go back now, I should think I would be able to take on that role with an unfaltering resolve and grace. I wouldn't have allowed them to reject me as they did.

[ No, he would have found a way to stay. He would have discovered a path to the top and secured in such a way that none would question it. That place, too, would be reformed by his hands. He would cut it open with his scalpel and remove the obstructions, he would have healed its illness so that it might be something more than a mess of wasted potential hidden behind the idea of "talent."

His hand brushes against Komaeda's cheek., lifting his head so he can look at him properly. ]

If you believe that I can become hope after losing it so long ago, then tell me how. Paint me a picture so that I can see myself as you do.

[ It's an earnest request. He will hear him out. If he can be anything, then why not hope? Because he wandered off that path long ago and watched as it closed behind him. ]

[killed]

[ Hope is more than an absolute good in the world, for those he knew of Hope's Peak then were as foolish and empty as those he knows now. Not all who attend will do anything for the world, some will retire within just a few years of racking up fame and profits, and they'll be forgotten within a few years thereafter. But perhaps it could to be threads attached to a person, barbed strings that burrow into the flesh and take root, ones which wrap around the neck and crush it.

Ultimates are icons rather than people, characters that you can project onto as you so please. For Komaeda they wash away despair, and so they can be called hope. If that's it, then he supposes it's not an exaggeration to say that he was intended to be made into hope. ]

You have a vision of how the world should be... The world that Komaeda-kun imagines is a beautiful one... Yes, I believe that you're right.

[ It's not a direct answer to his question, but it's an affirmation all the same. He can sense hope and despair, but regardless of personal biases muddling his metrics there's no denying that the world he dreams of those he sees as talented is one that's sugary sweet and melts in one's mouth. It's soft and comfortable, like wrapping oneself up in a warm blanket in front of a fireplace without realizing that it's a cold winter day. There's no need to think of despair if there's only hope, just as one doesn't need to realize it's cold if they've always been warm.

He doesn't object when Komaeda moves away, but he does lean over once he's sat down. His fingertips brush along the scalp as he strokes his head, ]

... You know, Komaeda-kun, people recognize pieces of themselves in others. If you're a selfish person, if you're a warm person, you can notice when someone is replication those behaviors...

[ He chuckles. ]

If you've worn it then you can see it, no matter how carefully crafted the mask is or how well hidden it is... The vibrant sparkle of a person who's truly given up on everything in this world.

[ It's a brilliant and beautiful sparkle like the luminescent fin ray of an anglerfish that hides a gaping maw behind it. He can read others in an instant, size up who and what they are with a few words and gestures, but there's nothing that he knows better than the one that had confronted him in the mirror. The say that the orchard mantis can draw in more pollinators than the flowers themselves, and those who have attained true freedom are much like that.

...

He feels like he's seen a hint of it somewhere recently, something that didn't settle well with him, but his mind has been muddled by drugs, so he can't say where it was. Perhaps it's just his imagination. ]

[killed]

[ If it's not unlike the way that a person pets a cat, but it's a motion that he's found soothing since he was young. It's a motion that promises that any hardship will pass, but in the meantime there's someone who loves him by his side. It whisks the bad feelings away just like that, all the illness and sadness and fear. He shouldn't have shared such a story with him knowing that it could only upset him. He scratches his scalp gently as he continues, and he wonders idly if Komaeda might not dream some nights of becoming Ultimate Hope.

What does Sou Hiyori want? He was happy with the trajectory of his life. He would always want more, he would always take more, but it was a happy little life with a promising future. Would he want to risk that? If it's curing the world of despair, then it could be said that he already is. It's a doctor's job to cure all ailments. ]

Certainly. It's a doctor's job is to cure all that ails, and I have no fondness for those who would poison society. But you cannot hope to attain anything if you're not willing to take any risks.

[ There's a difference between care and caution and complete risk aversion. One cannot get anywhere if they suffer from decision paralysis, and one cannot succeed if they're not willing to put all their cards on the table. Hiyori simply ensure that he wins every bet. ]

If my life is on the line, then I only need to ensure that none can end it.

[killed]

[ He lets his hand trail down his temple to cup his cheek, his thumb brushing against it as he watches him. It's unlike him to fret so, a person who is so willing to risk anything and anyone for the sake of a brighter future. He's not so vain as to assume it to be something reserved for him, as nice as it would be, but rather attributes it to his desire to keep what he loves pure in his mind's eye. How tragic would it be to see a person held in such high crash into the ground? It would leave such scars on the world. ]

How lucky am I to be so loved that you would feel such fear on my behalf... Thank you, Komaeda-kun.

[ He pushes the matter no further, for he already has an idea of what that secret might be. There's only so many things that can cause him such distress. He removes his hand so he can tap the tip of his nose in an effort to keep him away from those thoughts. If he trusts him sober, of his own accord, then that shall make him all the happier. But in the interim, he's at least sobered up enough to treat him as though he worries too much, and ]

Let's see... Shall I suck you off while we listen to the mystery of someone going missing? Or perhaps you'd rather taste me again so you don't forget what it's like...? ♡


[ He's just teasing, but it seems better than leaving his cute husband to his own devices. If nothing more, it should prove a suitable distraction. He chuckles before adding, ]

I love Komaeda-kun, who is so much more than his frail body, so if you just let me wrap an arm around you and hold you close I should be happy as any man ever could ever be... Why don't you pick an episode for us to watch? Between the two of us, I'm all too certain that we can solve the mystery. ♪

[ But why him? He wonders. Why him, when there are so many others? Why the Ultimate Surgeon, when there are so many others? He already knows the answer, yet his heart yearns to hear it. But he doesn't ask, not now, not while he only wants to hold him close and answer mysteries that have such obvious answers to a pair of geniuses... Not now, when the baser part of his mind is aware that they can have just a trace of normal happiness, something rare and precious that can never be obtained again. ]

[killed]

[ Must Komaeda always think the worst of him? He has no qualms with causing others pain. It's quite the opposite, as there's a thrill and ecstasy that one can only attain by crushing a person who would otherwise harm him. It has its own afterglow, the warmth and comfort of his heart pounding in his head, each beat whispering to him that he's alive, that he's safe. But there's no sexual thrill, it's something far softer than that. ]

No, no, I'm afraid I can find no satisfaction in needless cruelty, nor am I fond of having nails dug into sensitive places. But it's just an overview, yes? I shouldn't subject Komaeda-kun to anything so gruesome... Ah, I've already exposed you to too much.

[ Which isn't say that he hasn't been or won't be, as he already knows it to be the case, but so long as Hiyori is around he won't allow for that kind of violence. He should have had more self-control last time, really, rather than cutting someone open before him. It's enough to simply be by him now, to engage in such frivolous and mundane activities. He's indulged in plenty, but never in such a leisurely way. He takes a few pieces of popcorn out of the bowl, crunching down on him as he places a hand on his shoulder before leaning over to kiss his cheek. ]

I'm happy so long as you're near, my dear... Why don't we just enjoy each other's company for now? We've had precious few opportunities to do so.

[ It's difficult when Komaeda's luck and mood swings alike veer things off course, and Hiyori himself has no shortage of activities that keep him busy. That aside, he's spend months recovering from injuries, and it seems that it'll be a bit longer before he's fully operational again. But he's already determined that they'll share a room again starting tomorrow, and his insistence will no doubt lead to it being made reality. If they're not watching close enough to prevent anything from happening, then they're not doing their job. It's absolute incompetence. ]

I can hold you and keep you safe even as we recount the cruelty and horrific acts that others are capable of and forced to endure.

[killed]

[ Does he? Hiyori isn't a feral cat that needs to be captured and domesticated before being placed in a house where it can learn to love humans. He's a man who was raised to be who he is, and who's worked tirelessly to meet expectations and compensate for failures. He has no desire to change his life, but there's no denying that he's been slowed by recent events. He wraps an arm around the other, rubbing his arm. Marriage, he said, though he won't even allow for them to be on a first name basis. When the drugs fade, he'll agree that distance to be for the best.

He's not a feral cat, but a hedgehog who has found the proper distance from others to share warmth without the prickle of quills. His warmth is kept to himself, an imperfect and empty life, yet there is no harm done on either side. He's happy with this life, as he has no desire to feel sharp spines digging into his flesh, as the warmth he gains from them can't compare to that he'll lose as the blood spills from his body. Komaeda could therefore be said to be the opposite, as he is one others wish to keep away from to avoid his spines.

Work, work, work - Komaeda was right to say that he thinks of nothing else, for everything from jobs to lessons to socialization are nothing more than a form of it for him. He's quiet for a time, his hazy mind trying to process the complex answer to such a simple answer before finding that there's none that he can give. ]

Yes... You're right. His life will be better for it.

[ That surgery, too, was work. It was cruel and spiteful, a lesson given, but it was kinder than he could have been. He'd ensured that his life was put back together. The trauma would forever change his life, and the time he had so spent taking advantage of children would be spent living through nightmares. He would lose his appetite for trying to take advantage of others knowing that at any moment he might see a real monster once more. He still regrets subjecting a child to it, but he supposes that Komaeda's obsession protects him.

Drip, drip, plop, plop... He can hear the first drops of red splattering to the floor as those spines press into him as they huddle closer together, but it's just adding to the dark red stain that's already there. ]

I've enjoyed our time as well. The monotonous life of those who are able to settle down and live normally was never meant for me, but even so, I wish to keep you near me.

[killed]

[ He loves sickly and broken things. Objects and codes and humans are all the same, they're all broken down by his hands and built up anew by his visions. He makes them into something better than they were before moving onto the next thing without stopping. If he were to cure Komaeda, her would allow him to move on in his own time; he would realize that he can find his own happiness without him. He'll be left unfilled by his death, a dark stain on his record, but it's just one more snapshot in time.

The TV drones on in this background, but he barely hears it. They haven't found the right distance yet, and so he can make frivolous wishes for this and that. ]

My wishes are far and few between, and I grant them by my own efforts...

[ He murmurs. Komaeda is cool and Hiyori is warm. It's difficult to move his other arm, but he manages to reach over to grab a blanket and pull it over their laps so that they can rest more comfortably. He nuzzles against him, kissing his temple, and as he looks at him it's difficult to imagine what something genuine might be. His love is always genuine, earnest and kind, yet false and with an uncrossable gap between him and the recipient. ]

We'll see all of that and more... We can make dreams into reality...

[ He leans his head against the other's. It's comfortable here, and it's easier to rest wit the other by him. He finds himself dozing as he adds, ]

I'll make more time for you...