[ Hiyori blinks slowly for several, frowning when he doesn't quite manage it. It must be he drugs weighing him down, and there were other methods that should work better. He's no idiot, and he's planned on replacing the parts that make him human, and so there was no need for worry about losing a hand when he worst that could await him is a retirement. He has more than enough riches to never worry again. It's his own desires that pin him in place.
Eventually, he determines what happened and turns his eyes to Komaeda with a look that seems to question why his opinion should matter here. His mind runs too slowly to say any of the toxic marks that come to mind, though if they did he might simply once more note that Komaeda has no love to give to anyone - a person can be disgusting and trash, miserable and pathetic, but it's only a person who has no care to offer others need not give their thoughts.
He looks back to the hand holding his wrist instead. The fingers of his injured arm lower and curl. ]
[ It's the drugs, and the circumstances. People are at their worst when they're in such a vulnerable position. There's something demeaning about not being able to care for oneself, to do the bare minimum of what any person should be able to, and even moreso when one is used to taking care of both themselves and others. Those vile feelings bubble up often enough, only now he can't control them, and it's too easy for hurt to cut through the numbing comfort and dazed happiness of the drugs.
He turns his head to watch as Komaeda returns to his space, disappointment lingering in the space behind him. Hiyori thinks to stop him, or otherwise to call him back, but by time the idea has caught up with him Komaeda is already at his bed. It would just make it more painful for him to be called back now. The injuries he suffered mean that every step is going to burn him. How tragic.
Instead he just watches as he settles in, eyes flicking down to the space where he had been. He had seemed happy - delighted, even like a proud parent.
That beeping really is annoying. ]
... What did you think would happen?
[ There's no upset or frustration to that question. There's nothing at all to it, a perfect match for the empty look that he seems to keep coming back to. What had he wished to see? He's in no state to seriously consider, and so he can only ask. What did he think would come from those actions of his, ones that would be permanently be imprinted on the mind and body? ]
[ Happily married... Perhaps Hiyori should have liked that too, or perhaps not. There's no way to know now now, and he probably wouldn't have at any rate. He wants neither death nor pain, and there's nothing to look forward to after this world. Hiyori watches that empty space and wonders why he had been there, then, when that plan had been a failure. How long had he been there, for that matter, thinking of what would come next?
Perhaps it is that he feels broken. He'd always been able to handle it before because he was still himself at his core, but what about now? He's the same as he ever is, but it seems as though something snapped. He's as brilliant and talented as ever, and Hiyori wonders what it means for a person like him to have hope. There's something frightening about the idea - it feels like a trap. But he does settle down now, the initial shock and hurt seeming to pass, ]
... Ah... Yes, I suppose I do... That's is what it must feel like, huh?
[ But there's no need to build him back up, he thinks. His body would heal on its own. He's broken enough people to know. They repair themselves, and if you do it right you can make them into anything. ]
[ He glances up at his name. It's a tired and worn look, and it seems as though the energy that had allowed him to be bitter and spiteful has already passed. He is like a doll, unable to move on its own, with a mind that's too muddled and empty to hurt or to argue. He can be picked up and dressed up and loved or otherwise thrown against the wall, pushed and prodded into feeling any number of emotions, it all just depends on what a person wishes for.
He does manage a small and vapid smile, one more befitting of Sou Hiyori, as though that little fit from before were the last of the thoughts he had left in his head. But then, perhaps it's just too painful for him to let himself focus on how broken he is now. It takes a careful effort to keep his focus on any one thing, and he can't even remember such things as goals, and that makes it easy to let go of anything painful. Letting go, forgetting, falling into this lull, it's one more thing he can do only in this state. ]
We shouldn't cause the staff any more trouble.
[ They'll notice when the device isn't working, and especially when he collapses on a heap on the floor. ]
[ He mumbles. Hiyori is a doctor, and so he should know better, and so he should be scolded more heavily than others if he chooses to act out. He thinks on that for several seconds before finding it to be as inconsequential as everything else that comes and goes in his mind. His limbs don't respond when he tries to move though, which proves to be a more difficult issue to overcome than dismissing feelings.
He does manage to push himself up a few inches with his remaining arm, but it's wobbly and he falls back. Hiyori sighs. It's probably impossible for him, and the smile fades. If he thinks on that too long he'll fall back into the state of despondency that he was in before. The cracks will appear in the glass will become visible, and he'll realize that all of his hard work and effort mean nothing at this moment. But those little bits of effort, those thoughts which are as heavy as his limbs, make him want to fade back to sleep. ]
[ He does manage a chuckle, and the fingertips of his functional hand brush up against the side of his arm before trailing down. Perhaps if he were to work hard enough, he could overcome the physical limitations of his body. There's something about being under the influence that leaves a person vulnerable to such thoughts. It allows him to accept other things just as well, and Hiyori tilts his head back to look back at the ceiling.
What else had he been told in the blur that has been the last few days? Ah, that's right... They had probably intended to state it again, knowing that he was too dazed to understand it, but it was a courtesy to tell him at the time of the decision all the same. ]
I won't be returning to the clinic. They believe it would be better for me to focus on my chronic health issues at this time. I'll be adequately compensated.
[ His words are slow, with slurs and pauses mixed in as he tries to remember the vocabulary for what he wants to say, but he does manage to get through the explanation. In short, he was now considered to be more of a liability than an asset. A brilliant doctor and surgeon, but not one who they could risk having a person who was injured and resigned, started to come back, and then once more wound up hospitalized... No, realistically this was probably just them completing the transfer of power. Those who worked there were likely already comfortable with the change.
It was a kind of punishment for allowing himself to wind up in such a pitiful position. ]
The hospital too... Ahh, they probably threw out all my candy...
[ Though that one made more sense, as he could no longer fulfill his duties. There would be no more running himself ragged, sleepless nights, falling asleep in his office between appointments or in the break room or in his car. The doors had been shut on that for now. He seems more upset about the candy that was lost in the war than anything for the moment. Hiyori offers a wry smile as he finally tilts his head back down so he can look at Komaeda properly. ]
[ Their fingers lace together, and Hiyori struggles with processing the series of assertions presented to him. He's not supposed to eat sweets, but he thinks that someone should sneak them into his room. He thinks that candy pearls might be nice, or perhaps some truffles. They would probably take them away, but if he explained it to them then they might not... Ah, he's saying something else, isn't he?
He doesn't understand why it's a good thing, but it's a decision that he has to accept and a problem to be dealt with later. He enjoys the warmth of Komaeda's hand instead, focusing on that sensation as his thoughts wander. There's only ASUNARO now. He would be a regional director and a surgeon and nothing more. No patients that he would care for every step of the way, no being called in at all hours of the night, no mountain of endless paperwork to keep things flowing smoothly... If only it had taken all of those tedious meetings with it. ]
Mmhm... I'll just be one of ASUNARO's directors and their top surgeon... They're probably going to give me more work now...
[ It's a little boring, but there were no shortage of experimental procedures that would be given to him over time. It's likely to increase in volume with his schedule free. They could have asked him to do so at any time, but there hadn't been a true need to, he supposes. Regardless, it would be a far less punishing schedule. Is he the only one who sees issue with it? He supposes the excitement shown here should be an answer in and of itself. ]
People are easily overwhelmed by anyone different... [ He mumbles that, thinking of his own experiences, ] Our conversations were always fun.
[ It's a bit difficult to page through his memories now, but he can clearly remember the patient before him. He had been a difficult at first, as those who were rejected by one doctor after another would be, but they were the easiest to get to open up once a person found the right point. For Komaeda, he simply needed another person to validate his thoughts. He believed in hope and seeing those Ultimates that admired succeed, and so long as Hiyori listened to him earnestly and met him there he would be manageable.
Komaeda was violent, prone to mood swings, difficult, and disgustingly earnest. He didn't care about anything save those he deemed important, and that made him easy to deal with. He was weak, frail, and telegraphed, and that typically allowed him to avoid harm. It was a fun project, and Hiyori had wanted to help him. He loves the unlovable, those miserable and vile creatures that need to be put to death, and so he had loved Komaeda as well. He loved him because his passion is seeing how he can twist and change others.
It's only those who have no love to give that are useless to him. ]
You were never a burden. I was happy then, so there's no problem.
[ That's how it is for those in the medical field. One falls in love with their patients and nurses them back to health before returning them back to the world. Those patients tend to leave a small piece of their heart behind, and Hiyori collects those and sews them together to make a patchwork quilt of love and happiness and hopes realized. It was a blanket that kept him warm at all times of year. But it is true enough that he only takes those cases that interest him.
He winces when the finger touches his chest, vapid stare drawn to that movement in the same way that a cat's might be, and the fact that he can stare with a smile despite the injury is a testament to how well cared for he is. He's heavily drugged, and so it takes him longer to process that statement than it really should. He thinks this might be a little familiar, but he can't pin down why that might be. ]
It was fun...
[ He blinks. He did, in fact, shove something inside of Hiyori - multiple times, in fact. It's an experience that he'd rather not repeat. There shouldn't be any sharp objects in the room though. ]
[ who wouldn't leave such an important decision to a guy who's half-dead and under the influence... that's so insane of him
There's a hazy smile as he clarifies, along with a small nod. They're simple and honest, and he rests his head against Komaeda now. It can't be called fun to be in a hospital with someone, but this is comfortable enough.
A honeymoon, hm... He closes his eyes as he considers that idea. Their vows were made with two hands holding a knife, only one of which could guide it, and piercing flesh and bone and letting blood intermingle. There was no one who could deny that such an action was a purer pact than simply exchanging rings or san san kudo. It was the kind of pure and raw connection that most could only dream of. He should have admired it in another.
Then the honeymoon would certainly come after. He wishes he could move his injured arm. It would be usable again, but not now. He settles for nuzzling against him for now. ]
[ Hiyori yawns a little. He does as he pleases, and so the Hiyori of now can make no such promises for what the Hiyori of tomorrow shall do. He hums happily as he thinks on the here and now, thoughts diverted from his crippled body to the kind of comfort that human contact always brings to a person, and of the cute AI waiting for him at home. ]
Maple-chan? That doesn't sound like her.
[ Maple was sweet, charming, and romantic, without a mean bone in her body. Even once those negative emotions were programmed into her, they would be free of true hatred, simple and easily manipulated. It would be a little puzzle, and in the end she would always hold her happiness and love for humans as a whole. The perfect companion for him.
It doesn't even occur to him how strange it is for Komaeda to know of her existence given that his office is always locked up tight. ]
[ Only ever so slightly, as he doesn't even seem to recognize the way that his entire life has been stripped from him. How long had it taken to build up that clinic? How much time and effort was put into maintaining a carefully built life that was steadily shortening his lifespan? The end results of those efforts had been swept away in an instant. The patients that he loved, the faces that he saw, the lives that he was changing, all those projects that would remain forever incomplete.
No, he seems content. He's only ever content when he's like this, too pumped full of drugs to hang onto any one thought. ]
[ That memory is easier to draw upon than others. Perhaps Hiyori had hope before that moment. He's not certain. He had never felt much strongly, he had always acted as he pleased, but that had been overpowering. It was thrilling and terrifying all at once, like a disease coursing through him. ]
Mm... It's like a sticky black tar that clings to the mind and body. It weighs your limbs down and chokes out all breath. It robs the mind of all thought, and it robs all light from the world.
[ That's what it had felt like for him. The world was no longer gray, it was an inky black. It was a hopeless void. There was nothing, nothing at all, and everything in it so worthless as to need to be broken down and destroyed. It was knowledge that it would be, that there wasn't a single person who could stop it. Empty, empty, emptier than he is now, so that his red blood could be replaced by that black tar that corroded everything it touched, his lungs filled with it.
To think that he could have held onto that forever... It's a frightening thing. He had found his reason for living in it though. He had found his reason for putting forth such efforts that no one would ever exceed him.
He pulls at the blanket a little as Komaeda lays down. He's free to crawl beneath it where it's warmer if he'd like. ]
... Yes, I've been rejected by many since that day, haven't I? Hm, does that mean Sou Hiyori is unlovable now?
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Eventually, he determines what happened and turns his eyes to Komaeda with a look that seems to question why his opinion should matter here. His mind runs too slowly to say any of the toxic marks that come to mind, though if they did he might simply once more note that Komaeda has no love to give to anyone - a person can be disgusting and trash, miserable and pathetic, but it's only a person who has no care to offer others need not give their thoughts.
He looks back to the hand holding his wrist instead. The fingers of his injured arm lower and curl. ]
You can let go now.
[ That's all he offers in response. ]
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He turns his head to watch as Komaeda returns to his space, disappointment lingering in the space behind him. Hiyori thinks to stop him, or otherwise to call him back, but by time the idea has caught up with him Komaeda is already at his bed. It would just make it more painful for him to be called back now. The injuries he suffered mean that every step is going to burn him. How tragic.
Instead he just watches as he settles in, eyes flicking down to the space where he had been. He had seemed happy - delighted, even like a proud parent.
That beeping really is annoying. ]
... What did you think would happen?
[ There's no upset or frustration to that question. There's nothing at all to it, a perfect match for the empty look that he seems to keep coming back to. What had he wished to see? He's in no state to seriously consider, and so he can only ask. What did he think would come from those actions of his, ones that would be permanently be imprinted on the mind and body? ]
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[ Happily married... Perhaps Hiyori should have liked that too, or perhaps not. There's no way to know now now, and he probably wouldn't have at any rate. He wants neither death nor pain, and there's nothing to look forward to after this world. Hiyori watches that empty space and wonders why he had been there, then, when that plan had been a failure. How long had he been there, for that matter, thinking of what would come next?
Perhaps it is that he feels broken. He'd always been able to handle it before because he was still himself at his core, but what about now? He's the same as he ever is, but it seems as though something snapped. He's as brilliant and talented as ever, and Hiyori wonders what it means for a person like him to have hope. There's something frightening about the idea - it feels like a trap. But he does settle down now, the initial shock and hurt seeming to pass, ]
... Ah... Yes, I suppose I do... That's is what it must feel like, huh?
[ But there's no need to build him back up, he thinks. His body would heal on its own. He's broken enough people to know. They repair themselves, and if you do it right you can make them into anything. ]
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He does manage a small and vapid smile, one more befitting of Sou Hiyori, as though that little fit from before were the last of the thoughts he had left in his head. But then, perhaps it's just too painful for him to let himself focus on how broken he is now. It takes a careful effort to keep his focus on any one thing, and he can't even remember such things as goals, and that makes it easy to let go of anything painful. Letting go, forgetting, falling into this lull, it's one more thing he can do only in this state. ]
We shouldn't cause the staff any more trouble.
[ They'll notice when the device isn't working, and especially when he collapses on a heap on the floor. ]
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[ He mumbles. Hiyori is a doctor, and so he should know better, and so he should be scolded more heavily than others if he chooses to act out. He thinks on that for several seconds before finding it to be as inconsequential as everything else that comes and goes in his mind. His limbs don't respond when he tries to move though, which proves to be a more difficult issue to overcome than dismissing feelings.
He does manage to push himself up a few inches with his remaining arm, but it's wobbly and he falls back. Hiyori sighs. It's probably impossible for him, and the smile fades. If he thinks on that too long he'll fall back into the state of despondency that he was in before. The cracks will appear in the glass will become visible, and he'll realize that all of his hard work and effort mean nothing at this moment. But those little bits of effort, those thoughts which are as heavy as his limbs, make him want to fade back to sleep. ]
I can't move.
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[ He does manage a chuckle, and the fingertips of his functional hand brush up against the side of his arm before trailing down. Perhaps if he were to work hard enough, he could overcome the physical limitations of his body. There's something about being under the influence that leaves a person vulnerable to such thoughts. It allows him to accept other things just as well, and Hiyori tilts his head back to look back at the ceiling.
What else had he been told in the blur that has been the last few days? Ah, that's right... They had probably intended to state it again, knowing that he was too dazed to understand it, but it was a courtesy to tell him at the time of the decision all the same. ]
I won't be returning to the clinic. They believe it would be better for me to focus on my chronic health issues at this time. I'll be adequately compensated.
[ His words are slow, with slurs and pauses mixed in as he tries to remember the vocabulary for what he wants to say, but he does manage to get through the explanation. In short, he was now considered to be more of a liability than an asset. A brilliant doctor and surgeon, but not one who they could risk having a person who was injured and resigned, started to come back, and then once more wound up hospitalized... No, realistically this was probably just them completing the transfer of power. Those who worked there were likely already comfortable with the change.
It was a kind of punishment for allowing himself to wind up in such a pitiful position. ]
The hospital too... Ahh, they probably threw out all my candy...
[ Though that one made more sense, as he could no longer fulfill his duties. There would be no more running himself ragged, sleepless nights, falling asleep in his office between appointments or in the break room or in his car. The doors had been shut on that for now. He seems more upset about the candy that was lost in the war than anything for the moment. Hiyori offers a wry smile as he finally tilts his head back down so he can look at Komaeda properly. ]
That just leaves the one now.
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He doesn't understand why it's a good thing, but it's a decision that he has to accept and a problem to be dealt with later. He enjoys the warmth of Komaeda's hand instead, focusing on that sensation as his thoughts wander. There's only ASUNARO now. He would be a regional director and a surgeon and nothing more. No patients that he would care for every step of the way, no being called in at all hours of the night, no mountain of endless paperwork to keep things flowing smoothly... If only it had taken all of those tedious meetings with it. ]
Mmhm... I'll just be one of ASUNARO's directors and their top surgeon... They're probably going to give me more work now...
[ It's a little boring, but there were no shortage of experimental procedures that would be given to him over time. It's likely to increase in volume with his schedule free. They could have asked him to do so at any time, but there hadn't been a true need to, he supposes. Regardless, it would be a far less punishing schedule. Is he the only one who sees issue with it? He supposes the excitement shown here should be an answer in and of itself. ]
Was being taken care of by me that bad?
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[ It's a bit difficult to page through his memories now, but he can clearly remember the patient before him. He had been a difficult at first, as those who were rejected by one doctor after another would be, but they were the easiest to get to open up once a person found the right point. For Komaeda, he simply needed another person to validate his thoughts. He believed in hope and seeing those Ultimates that admired succeed, and so long as Hiyori listened to him earnestly and met him there he would be manageable.
Komaeda was violent, prone to mood swings, difficult, and disgustingly earnest. He didn't care about anything save those he deemed important, and that made him easy to deal with. He was weak, frail, and telegraphed, and that typically allowed him to avoid harm. It was a fun project, and Hiyori had wanted to help him. He loves the unlovable, those miserable and vile creatures that need to be put to death, and so he had loved Komaeda as well. He loved him because his passion is seeing how he can twist and change others.
It's only those who have no love to give that are useless to him. ]
You were never a burden. I was happy then, so there's no problem.
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[ That's how it is for those in the medical field. One falls in love with their patients and nurses them back to health before returning them back to the world. Those patients tend to leave a small piece of their heart behind, and Hiyori collects those and sews them together to make a patchwork quilt of love and happiness and hopes realized. It was a blanket that kept him warm at all times of year. But it is true enough that he only takes those cases that interest him.
He winces when the finger touches his chest, vapid stare drawn to that movement in the same way that a cat's might be, and the fact that he can stare with a smile despite the injury is a testament to how well cared for he is. He's heavily drugged, and so it takes him longer to process that statement than it really should. He thinks this might be a little familiar, but he can't pin down why that might be. ]
It was fun...
[ He blinks. He did, in fact, shove something inside of Hiyori - multiple times, in fact. It's an experience that he'd rather not repeat. There shouldn't be any sharp objects in the room though. ]
... Komaeda-kun...?
[ ...? ]
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There's a hazy smile as he clarifies, along with a small nod. They're simple and honest, and he rests his head against Komaeda now. It can't be called fun to be in a hospital with someone, but this is comfortable enough.
A honeymoon, hm... He closes his eyes as he considers that idea. Their vows were made with two hands holding a knife, only one of which could guide it, and piercing flesh and bone and letting blood intermingle. There was no one who could deny that such an action was a purer pact than simply exchanging rings or san san kudo. It was the kind of pure and raw connection that most could only dream of. He should have admired it in another.
Then the honeymoon would certainly come after. He wishes he could move his injured arm. It would be usable again, but not now. He settles for nuzzling against him for now. ]
Mmn, we should have a honeymoon.
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Maple-chan? That doesn't sound like her.
[ Maple was sweet, charming, and romantic, without a mean bone in her body. Even once those negative emotions were programmed into her, they would be free of true hatred, simple and easily manipulated. It would be a little puzzle, and in the end she would always hold her happiness and love for humans as a whole. The perfect companion for him.
It doesn't even occur to him how strange it is for Komaeda to know of her existence given that his office is always locked up tight. ]
She's a hopeless romantic.
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No, he seems content. He's only ever content when he's like this, too pumped full of drugs to hang onto any one thought. ]
Mm...? My turn?
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Mm... It's like a sticky black tar that clings to the mind and body. It weighs your limbs down and chokes out all breath. It robs the mind of all thought, and it robs all light from the world.
[ That's what it had felt like for him. The world was no longer gray, it was an inky black. It was a hopeless void. There was nothing, nothing at all, and everything in it so worthless as to need to be broken down and destroyed. It was knowledge that it would be, that there wasn't a single person who could stop it. Empty, empty, emptier than he is now, so that his red blood could be replaced by that black tar that corroded everything it touched, his lungs filled with it.
To think that he could have held onto that forever... It's a frightening thing. He had found his reason for living in it though. He had found his reason for putting forth such efforts that no one would ever exceed him.
He pulls at the blanket a little as Komaeda lays down. He's free to crawl beneath it where it's warmer if he'd like. ]
... Yes, I've been rejected by many since that day, haven't I? Hm, does that mean Sou Hiyori is unlovable now?
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three days later i realize that i didn't post this the first time i wrote it
STOP THIS IS WHY I'M SICK OF IT
ur right, this is his life now. i think they both desereve this
NOT THEIR PORN ERA it kind of is, we should record them
u mean komaeda's blackmail material
NOT HIS SPERM SWIPING... see the blackmail material is to ensure he'll be a good father
STOP IT'S WHAT HE DESERVES i'm ending this
STOP I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE i'm happy for both of them, the start of their family
HIS FIRST AND LAST NUT 753 TAGS LATER
STOP HE DIDN'T EVEN LET KOMAEDA CUM INSIDE, HE DOESN'T DESERVE IT
I KNOW, SO I'M GOING TO RUIN IT FOR HIM!!
I HATE THAT ABOUT HIM, HE'S SICK IN THE HEAD
CLOSES MY EYES SO I DO NOT SEE IT
I OPENED THEM AND IMMEDIATELY REGRETTED IT
I FEEL LIKE I NEED AN EXORCISM RN
I GOTTA RID MYSELF OF THIS EVIL ONCE AND FOR ALL
NOT UR BOO... OK YEAH HE'S MY HUSBAND I GUESS I'M STUCK WITH HIM
HE REALLY IS IT'S PRETTY CUTE OF HIM NGL
my definition of cute is objectively correct
ok i can't even deny that, insanity is everything that i know and love