( closed to @luck ) your turn to die: sou hiyori

[killed]

With varying vanities, from every part, they shift the moving toyshop of their heart.

Comments

NOT WHEN HE QUITS THIS STOP!! HE'S JUST GONNA CHEAT ON HIS WIFE

[killed]

[ He has to do better, work harder, learn more, be hurt more until even this abuse means nothing to him. Ending his tears was a star, and the continuing education is nothing more than building up his tolerance. It will continue as he asserts himself more, pushes back, builds up an immunity to it.

He places a hand on his twin's back, guiding him along toward the curtains. He pauses for just a moment, falling silent as he listens for any hint of activity in the house. It's one thing to be caught in bed together. They're too old for it, but it's common among twins to find comfort in that closeness even as adults, and no parent would suspect the truth behind it - not the kisses that go on for too long, saliva trailing between them when they end, or the kisses and bites, the way that hey know each other's bodies so well now.

They can continue later, and Hiyori fixes himself in turn, kissing his cheek when he stops. ]

Yes.. It'll be completely difference once they're no longer here to protect me, won't it? I'll take on all their responsibilities.

[ The duties they split, Hiyori would handle alone. His wife is meant to support him and to elevate him to greater heights, but that meant being able to handle her own sectors without touching his. His talent is so great that they believe he can handle it. He takes his hand off, kissing his twin's cheek as he moves to open the curtain. The windows behind it are massive, ceiling-to-floor walls that look more like grand doorways to enter and exit, letting the moonlight shine down inside. With his back turned, his smile fades for just a moment.

They'd always been together, but he wold need to handle everything alone. They were born together, but they would have to live apart - away from him, with a wife that he already knows he won't share a room with, children that he's never wanted but would need to raise just as he was. But he should be able to at least handle that much.

His smile has returned by time he turns back around, tilting his brother's chin up with his index finger. ]

It's a surprise, so... You have to close your eyes.

I HATE THAT TOO LIKE IMAGINE BEING DITCHED FOR INCEST

[killed]

... Yes... You're right. Thank you, Nacchan.

[ Hiyori kisses his forehead. Those words are warmer, and they come a little easier. They are. In ancient times, sometimes children would even kill their parents to usurp them, but one can only do that after fortifying their castle. He would need a moat solid walls, soldiers and fell conspirators. He doesn't have that yet, he only have a few older servants who look upon them with pity without being able to do anything, but he will soon. He'll do just s Komaeda says, building himself up so high that he can crush even them underheel, so high that he'll never be subject to the whims of another again.

He breathes out a little easier. He takes a few steps away, and there's a certain amount of shuffling and bumping as he looks for what he had hidden in here. Their rooms are too large for them to make use of every piece of it, and so it hadn't been easy for him to find an unused drawer to hide it in. After a minute or so his steps stop in front of his brother again, and he looks down at the object in his hand and the one resting on his shoulder.

He spares the briefest glance outside, and he wonders if the moon would resent itself for only being able to reflect the sun's light. It creates no light, but it is her light that shines brilliantly upon the world even both when the sun shines and when it sets. They're Esau and Jacob, one who can only brighten the human world, and one who has a place both this world and the one to come.

There's the flutter of a as he gingerly unfolds and raises it in an arc above Komaeda. The white sheet, so thin that it's almost translucent, comes to rest on his head and drape off his shoulders. It trails onto the ground, like a veil on a bride. ]

I wish to be with you always, Nacchan, and to be connected with you always... If I could give myself to anyone, it would be you.

[ He takes the other object now and slips his hands around his neck, securing the clasp before of a crescent moon necklace decorated with just a few few blue spinels around his neck. It's nearly a full circle, and if Komaeda were to look he would find that the sun pendant, one with just a single pink spinel in the center, that he wears is meant to neatly fit into its center - the moon holding the sun. It's only then that he taps his shoulder to signify that he can open his eyes, but not before he cupping his twin's chin in his hand and giving him the promised kiss.

Their parents would be sickened if they saw this little display. He had wanted to wait longer, until he could ask Komaeda to exchange vows and promises to be with him always, but there's no longer any time, so... He at least wants to be able to give himself to the person he loves first. ]

Everlasting, true love, I am yours, now and forever.

I KNOW HE CAN'T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS

[killed]

[ Hands around his neck, and his own hands sliding around Komaeda's waist in return, and it's as though they're truly sharing the first moments of the rest of their life. The ceremony ends with the passionate kiss that follows their vows, the first of so many that will be taken as they walk hand in hand, but nothing can be so easy for two people who come from a prestigious family. It hardly matters that they share the same blood when it would be the same story if he were a commoner, a servant, anything that hadn't been carefully curated for him.

But for the moments that their lips are pressed together in a breathtaking moment of passion all concerns evaporate, the world disappears, and there's only the two of them. Their love is one that can only end in tragedy, as they burn and harm each other just by being close. They'll wind up with marks and scars, be buried alive by their own sins, but what good is there in living in a colorless world where only the lonely survive? What use is there in a world where he can't place one hand over his twin's as he clings to the pendant give to him, pressing his hands against his chest. He takes Komaeda's other hand next, keeping him close. ]

I wanted to wait until I could get you a ring... I thought I would sweep you off your feet and carry you down the aisle, but I suppose that might have been a little ambitious... But I couldn't stand the idea of someone else coming before you.

[ He offers a sheepish smile, the apology written on his face. It's selfish. He squeezes his hands. His twin has been the first for everything. He was the first that Hiyori knew, the first that he held the hand of and hugged, his first kiss, his first marriage, the first and only love that he'll have in this life. There's no rings and no priest to hear their vows, but the night sky to shine on them and a pendant that speaks of his feelings. ]

It's alright if you don't feel the same way, but know that my vows are for Nagito Hiyori alone... If you would have me, I would dedicate my entire life to you, and I would do everything to be able to stay by your side...

[ He trails off, takes in a deep breath. It's frightening when he could be rejected, and rightfully so. There are steps in the process, and he had skipped all of them. But it's more frightening to think of what comes next. It's the most painful route. Every kiss will lead them closer to disaster, every action that follows will only hurt hi more. Their parents aren't violent by any means, but where words fail they find the need to instead act. The bruise on his cheek is nothing to what they're capable of.

It would be less painful if he were to just give up, to accept things as they are and that every effort will only make it hurt more when they fail and his hope is stomped upon over and over, and yet... ]

... Because I can think of nothing that would hurt more than being separated from you.

MEEE HE'S SO EXTRA ABOUT IT TOO

[killed]

[ He's a child who was told he has infinite potential, and so Hiyori began to believe the same. He's always had the confidence to match it, and it seems that only those who crafted him with such care have the ability to erode it. Even that power is starting to ebb now that he's found that precious emotion that both hope and despair are borne from and yet neither can touch. It's love, passionate and pure, that builds him up... Love that he might have lacked in another life, that would be too diluted to do anything but force his hand again and again for its sake.

It's a love for one single person.

He catches the vase with one hand, fumbling it a little but managing to keep it from hitting the ground as he holds it while taking Komaeda's hand in his other. The pendant shines on his neck, never to be taken off, and he wonders if his twin will do the same. He's always been prone to losing things so he might not. It might be locked in a box, and Hiyori would be happy with that too - his love locked away somewhere safe from all harm, a place where no one can sully it with their disgusting eyes and thoughts.

The vase is set down back in place as he bends down in one knee. He has no box to open, no right to give, and so he places his other hand on top of his as he looks at up at him. This moodiness is well known to him, but there's always a reason for it, and Hiyori knows what it is now. It makes him happy when it shouldn't, a disgusting and selfish happiness to know that just the thought of having to share him can upset someone so. ]

You're right, I should do it properly... Nagito Hiyori, will you marry me? Will you stay by my side always, and speak of the future with me...? I can give you no ring, but I promise to dedicate myself to you and you alone. I will love only you, for I only see you in my future.

[ He shakes his head. They're words he's been taught to speak, elegant and sweet and heartfelt, but none that he would give to anyone else. ]

When I look at you, Nacchan, I see more than the you of now. I see the you of tomorrow, and the day after that. I see you in your old age... I see you by my side for as long as we both live, and even after death, for together our souls will remain.

[ He closes his eyes and slides his hand up enough to kiss the back of his hand. ]

I see that future where I make everyone accept us - our mother and father, our family, even God himself will have no choice but to acknowledge us.

[ There's an absolute certainty to those words, a promise and an oath wrapped into one. He has to build himself up over the next few years, do more and work harder, all so that he can force them to. If they won't, he'll crush them under his heel, step on their throat and crush their windpipes until they can no longer speak ill of them. If they write, he'll cut their fingers off one by one, until they have nothing left to give but their blessing. He'll shape the world into what he wishes, one in which they can be together without fear nor shame. ]

THEY'RE SO GROSS sigh i love them anyway, my gross sons

[killed]

[ It should bother him, but it never has. He was taught by his mother and father that they were early on, equal but separate, two different people who had different meaning to the world. What does it matter if they share the same blood then? It's the problem with teaching a child both to be obedient and a leader, they eventually begin to refuse even those values that their parents and the world have impressed upon them in favor of their own desires. Why shouldn't they after amassing such power that none can oppose them?

He shakes his head in response to the question. It scared him a little at first, but they're already past that point. He's already learned that the world is there for him to build up and burn down as he pleases. He only need learn how. But still, the sting that his touch brings reminds him that he's not there. One hand moves up to the one over his cheek, and the sting of it is nothing compared to the words spoken. A year and a half? Just ridiculous. Why is it that they're all against him? Why does no one listen to him!? They'll do nothing but live and die separately! He's not worth living for! It's not worth it to see his future! So why should he listen to any of them? Why shouldn't he - ]

Nacchan... It doesn't matter to me if we're related. Love knows boundaries, and the heart wants what it wants.

[ He closes his eyes and presses his cheek against that hand and he opens his eyes, the warm smile never having budged. His twin is beautiful in the moonlight, wearing the veil for their wedding and a pendant that symbolizes their union. It's breathtaking, enough to washes away everything and anything until there's only him, and it reminds him that such questions are those of a a child abdicating responsibility. Hiyori can do better, he can do more, and when he does he can change everything. He can make them listen, he can cure every illness, and he can break down every wall.

They both have a role to play, but the night has always belonged to them, and the moon that shines upon them now gives its blessing night and day. But he can change that too. He just needs to find a way. But he won't think of that tonight, instead keeping his eyes fixed on the person that he loves most. He can't see the light that he radiates, but Hiyori does. Those times when he's cried, when he's smiled, when he's pouted and sulked and thrown a tantrum - he's been there for them all, shining upon him and wiping away every hurt and dark thought.

He has nightmares sometimes, and he wonders if they might not have been predictions for the future. They were warnings, precognitive dreams, yet each time those dark futures would be erased by his twin's light. ]

Yes... I understand. We have to return to being Sou and Nagito tomorrow, twins who were born together yet who must lead separate lives, but tonight... Please, let me have all of you.

ME thinkin bout them following the ff tradition of one dying young & one living traumatized

[killed]

[ It seems that his parents were an arranged marriage as well. They hadn't originally intended on it for him, but changed their mind upon realizing that he only took interest in those so far beneath him. He might elope with some servant if they weren't careful, or worse, remain alone for his entire life. He would ruin his future to satisfy his childish whims and selfish nature.

He'd asked his mother once if they love each other, and she smiled and patted his head and answered that they've grown fond of each other. They're the ideal couple in public, the ideal partners who share a mutual respect and intelligence that allows them to work toward any goal, and a husband and wife who stay in separate rooms at night. He wraps his arms around Komaeda, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt as he buries his face against him.

Everything is about appearances. He wonders how many times they've been with someone else behind closed doors where no other can see. ]

... It doesn't matter if we're family or not. I would find you in each and every life, and I'll never once love another. I won't be with anyone else. I will be a husband to no one else, so let us speak of it no more.

[ Those words leave no room for argument, and even if one were to come it would fall on deaf ears. But there's a truth to it. For all of his kindness, there's the same cruelty that all rulers are capable of hidden just beneath the skin. He would slit a person's throat open to avoid touching such filth, and nothing would stop him from cutting a woman open and rip her womb out to prevent a birth, because it would be a happier ending. But he doesn't need to worry about such things. His husband is here, his happiness and his life is in his arms now, stroking his hair and purifying his dark thoughts.

He draws in a breath, clinging for several seconds more before giving a little nod and relinquishing his grip. Their parents will be asleep by now, in separate beds in rooms spaced apart. ]

Yes, let's. It's a little chilly out tonight, so you should bring a jacket... Do you think that we'll see a shooting star? Maybe if we make the same wish, it'll come true.

I HATE I TTOO, KO MY SELF INSERT FR

[killed]

That's no good, Nacchan, you'll catch a cold...

[ He sighs and shakes his head, rubbing his arm to try and ease some of his anxiety. There's a note of apology to his look, aware that he'd said something thoughtless. He does move to go to the closet now, finding a spare blanket and a shawl. He sets one atop the other before he makes his way back. No one will notice. He's watched strictly during the day and evenings, but at night even Hiyori is given relative freedom to do as he pleases. As long as he remains perfect, there should be no problem - perfect grades, perfect behavior, perfect friends, perfect everything so that he'll be perfectly loved.

It was a mistake to act so strongly on his emotions. It's not something he can or will accept, but he needs to be more reasonable in his approach. It has to be as flawless as everything else about him, albeit even Hiyori himself can't say why it upset him so much. It's much like how he can't understand the sickening feeling that he gets watching others go about their day, nor the way his stomach churns as he watches them smile and laugh, talk and argue about things that don't matter.

It never occurs to him that they're happy, because he can't acknowledge that he's unhappy. No one would find the smile that he wears to be any less genuine or cordial. He's practiced for years, spending long hours in front of the mirror until he had mastered everything from mirthful to sheepish to sympathetic. But it seems different when others do it, the way that their moods fluctuate and they laugh even as they complain, how easily everything seems to come to them. The way that couples cling to each other and squeak and embarrass one another with stupid pick up lines and teasing.

It's because he's better than them, he thinks. The way that they act is embarrassing. It's vapid and worthless, and it's why they remain so far beneath him. It's because they all love him so despite not knowing him at all, and how foolish is that? He would never lead such an aimless life. Because he knows already - they can't make their dreams reality, but he can. He can do anything. He just has to work harder until he reaches his goals.

He has his twin, and he has everything he has and will build up, so he doesn't need anything else. He has the person he loves most, the one who colors his world and puts his heart at ease, and so if he had just one wish... ]

You have to keep what you wish for a secret too! It won't come true otherwise! But if by some chance we do... Yes, I'm certain that it'll come true! God will hear us and grant a miracle.

[ ... It would be to be happy with his twin like this always, in this life and in the next, for all eternity. But there's no reason to believe God exists, and happiness isn't something that one can simply wish for.

He has to work even harder so he can grasp the dreams and miracles of love. He has to be willing to do anything to preserve it, and he will, no matter what the cost might be. He steps out the window and into the courtyard, careful with the first couple steps. ]

OK THAT'S TRUE BUT I LOVE HIM FOR IT!!

[killed]

[ Hiyori slips the shawl into one hand and manages to balance the blanket on his shoulder, keeping it halfway in his elbow as he reaches under the sheet to slip the shawl around his twin's shoulders and loosely tying it in the front who'll stay in place. It's not a jacket, but it's thick and warm. It's one that he had pciked out specifically for him for times like this. He adjusts the blanket one more time, tucking it under one arm now, before he finally reaches to take Komaeda's hand. He interlaces their fingers, enjoying the sensation of their hands touching.

If he lays the blanket out for them to rest on, he can pull some over him. Between the two and Hiyori, he should be able to stay warm enough. These plans are normal for Hiyori, who's always been sick and frail. Yet, he can't see him as anything other than beautiful. He's never thought of him as odd or moody, and his mood swings are part of his personality. He's perfect, but were he any other way he would be just as wonderful and beloved. ]

You're right... You are Nagito Hiyori, my dearly beloved husband... You shine brighter than any star in the sky. I don't know what I'd do without your light to guide me.

[ Komaeda is a vibrant light that seems to erase everything else, so blinding that he can focus on nothing else. He seems to burn even brighter today, and there's only him, wearing a sheet as a veil, holding his hand, the person he would build a caste with if only he would live to see its walls put up. He's can try to forget his life as the heir of the Hiyori family when it's just the two of them. He doesn't resent his role, but he wishes to focus on his own wants, on who he is, and who he loves most. It's selfish, but he's already accepted that he's selfish.

It's a little cool out, but he feels so warm. It must be because his face is red as he sheds that identity and he thinks of what they could have - it hurts his heart to think of how short that time might be, but even then his heart thumps at the though of what they might do together. Maybe their parents can't know, but certainly there's one or two of their friends who could understand. ]

Maybe we can find one shaped like heart with an arrow through it.

[ One for lovers. ]

NOT HIS MPREG ASS I'M CRYING when will he steal hiyori's sperm again

[killed]

[ That's right. They were born together, but ever since then they've been treated as though they weren't related at all. It's often a problem that overbearing parents will treat their twins as too similar, giving them matching hairstyles and outfits, but the Hiyoris were quite the opposite. They decided immediately that the older of the two would be their heir, while the younger one would be there to support him. It's almost as though a second child was a burden to their plans, and they shoved the wedge between them deeper and deeper despite the way they only grew closer throughout the years.

If anyone has a right to hate him, it's Komaeda. There are so many members of their extended family who would be happy to kill him, to insert themselves into his position, and yet the only one who has the qualification to do so won't squeeze no matter how many times he wraps his arm around his neck. They should be equals though. They should share in everything, and be given everything, but instead it's only him. Hiyori knows it too - if he were to get sick now, to develop the same afflictions as his twin, he wouldn't be given the option of dying. He would be forced through treatments, cured whether he wanted to be or not.

So why does Komaeda get to choose? Why don't his parents love him enough to force him, just as they love Hiyori enough to force him through everything and anything? He hates it, he hates it, he hates it so much that he wishes they were all dead some days.

He squeezes his hand in return, kissing his head. ]

If we do, I want to name it after you...

[ He should leave that first point alone, let them just have a nice night, because he should just accept his role in life and be so grateful for it, he should accept who's chosen for him and what's chosen for him and yet - ]

Nacchan... Our parents treated us differently, but to me you're everything. It's only when I'm with you that I can live as Sou, rather than the heir to the Hiyori family. It's only when I'm with you that I can believe that nothing will go wrong.

[ A beat, then he adds, ]

I have nightmares sometimes, you know...

[ It's one of the very, very few things that he hasn't shared with his twin. But he must have noticed by now, how restless he is some nights, the way that he tosses and turns. ]

STOOOPPP HE DOESN'T BUT THIS IS HIS LIFE NOW!

[killed]

[ They might regret it sometimes, letting both twins live. He's considered that option too. If they had killed the younger twin, they would have never had to deal with such issues. That's not uncommon in families that have to choose a single heir. It's just too difficult when there's two siblings who should be of equal status. Their parents hadn't, instead making a clear distinction between the two of them. How fortunate that the younger one had grown to be so deferential, while the older twin was the troublesome one.

He should be happy. He'll never have an trouble in life, and yet he causes the same for everyone around him.

It's probably because he loves the person next to him. If he didn't have him, he wouldn't have such fits, because he would never think that life could be different. He wouldn't notice the smiles that others had, or the way the latch onto and tease each other. He wouldn't dare dream of sharing that burden, nor allowing any other to have it, for he would need think of no one other than himself.

He would be free to love only Sou Hiyori then. But in exchange, he would have no one who could understand him. Perhaps those dreams are a sign of what could have been then. ]

It's always the same. I'm in a classroom that I've never seen before, but it seems familiar, as though my entire life had been built up for the sake of being there... Yet, despite that feeling, there's always blood on my hands. The person changes, and sometimes there's others, but it's as though they're on loop... It's always the same people, always the same deaths...

It's always the same feeling, as though my heart were tarnished and covered in rust, a sickening emptiness... What could that feeling be called if not despair...?

[ He murmurs, understanding without understanding. He holds Komaeda's hand tight to the point of discomfort, but not quite pain, for several seconds before he finally eases up. ]

It's as though it's a video on repeat, one scene after another at night, until that disgusting feeling slips away and I allow myself to be caught... Yet, I believe my actions were righteous... Yet, I feel as though nothing is the same after that, and it can never be the same again... Every time, it starts and ends the same way, with death after death followed by satisfaction...

[ Frightening, so frightening, because... ]

... I don't know those people, nor the place, nor even what led to that feeling, and yet I somehow know.. You didn't exist in those dreams. You weren't there for me, and I have the sense that it could have been me...

[ It's the strangest thing, really, as he should have no reason to believe it. He's a man of science and not religion, and so he doesn't know that alternate timelines or reincarnation exist. But he has the sense that he's peeking into another possible world, into the life of a Sou Hiyori who was left to his own devices. He feels himself living the life of a version of himself who had no one and nothing. But he's never felt despair, he's never bitten into the forbidden fruit and seen the rot that hides within.

In his twin he's found love, a warm blanket that accepts him no matter how cold and pathetic he might be, a small golden land that he may visit at night when he can be held in his arms. The world is a callous and difficult place, but he finds sanctuary in the arms of his twin. He buries his face against him and breathes in his scent and the world seems right again, he hears the reassurances and soothing words that center him by promising that all is well, that he is well.

It's almost like he had prayed for things to be different next time so that he might not make the same mistakes. But dreams are just dreams, no matter how repetitive or unsettling. ]

oh no hope u sleep well... i'm doing this before i go to church bc i gotta pray abt this

[killed]

[ He's here for now, and it's that fact which allows Hiyori to loosen his grip. Hiyori's dreams are a secret that he shares with no other. It makes him uncomfortable to think about them, and he knows that nothing good will come of telling them to others. His mind is just as important and his body and were he to show signs of illness he would be put through all manner of treatments. It would take away even more of his limited time to ensure that he would be at no risk of harming himself or how others view him.

The crunching of grass and the melody of crickets chirping remind him of where he is. It's easier to breathe here, away from that house and the school that creeps into his dreams at night. It's easier when he has a hand squeezing his own tight, loving reminders of how far away that place he dreams of is. ]

I know... As long as I have you, I'll never have to act alone.

[ But there's days when he wonders what he might do if Komaeda a were to leave him, and on those days the nightmares seem to be a premonition, a past that he'll loop back around to one day. Where might these feelings of his go when there's no longer a gentle hand to wipe them away, nor kind words which purify his every ill thought? What purpose will they serve? He wants to ask, but his feelings won't reach, no more than his prayer will reach the stars he wishes on. The person he dreams of is no different than him, isolated and never once understood despite all the love given to him.

But it's not as though it were some tantrum thrown for a lack of understanding, nor was it spite and hatred that guided his hand. It was something deeper than that, more complicated than a tantrum thrown by a child. ]

It was for the people that survived. None of them could see it, none of them could understand how frail they were - how close they were to the cliff, and so I pushed a few of them off to awaken the rest... I couldn't see any way to save the collective whole but to push a few of them off.

[ It was nothing as beautiful as bodies being returned to the earth, but a blood red carpet and the thick smell of iron in the air. He remembers the scratches on his hand, the way that they throbbed once the adrenaline rush died down. That death had stung, crawled into his rotten heart, because he had been fond of that girl, and a miscalculation on his part meant that she died a far more slow and painful death than he would have liked.

It's what their parents have taught him. There is weakness in comfort, as it stifles growth, while suffering is what allows a person to rise to the top. The pain he feels now will be of great use in the future, as each hurt is aids in his teaching and helps him to grow callouses. The bruise on his cheek is much in the same. He'll reevaluate his actions and approach before discussing the matter with them again. He no longer argues so much, and when he's struck he no longer cries or glares at them like a petulant child. He takes it was he should, quietly, without complaint.

That's all it was. He was dragging that place into that water not to drown it, but to cleanse it of its sinful and hedonistic ways. He, too, needed to gouge out his own indulgence and set it down as payment for his future success. It was an act of love, and who would know better than Hiyori of how much suffering can be packed into love, how much people are forced to do things they hate in order to better their children, than Hiyori who is cared for more than any other? ]

It was for their own good, Nagito, but... It was cold, and painful, and lonely, like I was drowning...

[ He's murmuring by the end, trying to process feelings that don't parse well with his current way of living. He was sinking into some inky black pit, and there was no one who would pull him out, until he finally managed to surface on his own. But some of that substance stuck to the walls of his lungs, and if he were unlucky he supposes the rest of his life might have been trying to dislodge it. ]

GOD THIS HEAT IS AWFUL i swear it's melting my brain

[killed]

[ Was it good for their own good? It's difficult to say without the full context to look at, but he's sure that he had thought it to be necessary. It was for their own good, but it was for him as well, so that he could kill some part of him that was still weak and faltering. He needed them to be prepared for what would come, but should they fail, he needed to be as well. He would need to be able to be anyone, to do anything, because one day . . . . . .

He can't remember what it was that he had left him so certain, though even now it makes his stomach churn just to think of. It's like an itch that he can never scratch, some sickening need to rip out some weed by it's roots before it can choke out all the life around it. But as long as Komaeda keeps a tight hold on his hand he can't move it, he can't tear out his own heart out along with the field bindweed spreading its poison. He clings to that hand, that grasp which reminds him that he's not alone, that there's no trial that he can't overcome if only they pool their resources together.

He's still thinking on that question as they sit down, the log creaking beneath him, and he rests the blanket on his lap. He reaches over to secure the shawl properly around Komaeda, adjusting it so it covers him more fully. He wraps an arm around his waist to pull him close, resting his head on his shoulder and staring out into the distance. Was it for their own good? Was it for his own? What is that he needed then and now? That loneliness, that venom, that fear that crawled down his throat and left him more dangerous than any other. ]

Yes... I sacrificed a piece of myself along with them in order to save the rest. It was my solution for the trolley problem. I didn't care if no one understood me, because they wouldn't be hurt like that again. If they couldn't protect themselves, then I would... I gave up a piece of myself, but I gained the qualifications to watch over the world.

[ Almost like a god, he thinks. Hope can only focus on building things up and looking to the future, despair can only destroy what's built as they're worn down by an unkind past and present, and selfish adults can only see their desires, but a god who watches over others can see everything despite having nothing. He would wake them up, he would wake himself up, and even if they fell back asleep he would keep vigil. It wasn't noble and he's no martyr, but merely a person who had chosen a path paved with blood and built up by bodies. He was a person who had become something greater.

He always find a different path now, so he should have been able to then. ]

It's being with you, Nacchan... I don't just say that because I love you, or because you you keep me from doing anything rash...

[ He lifts his head to look at him now, kissing his cheek. ]

We were born together, but everything since then has been my choice. Being with you, taking care of you, loving you... I chose you above all others, and I always will.

[ He hasn't had many choices in life. They've all been made for him, his life carefully structured so that as an adult he can succeed in a way that no other can. He's the result of the pooled resources of two great minds, beloved and special, and that's why they're better fit to guide him along in this journey. Being hit, being lectured, being punished in any number of ways are all for his own good, a labor of love that hurts them more than him. But Komaeda was always his choice. ]