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( closed to @luck ) your turn to die: sou hiyori
With varying vanities, from every part, they shift the moving toyshop of their heart.
With varying vanities, from every part, they shift the moving toyshop of their heart.
With varying vanities, from every part, they shift the moving toyshop of their heart.
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[ He stands behind Komaeda, wrappng his arms around his shoulders and leaning down so he can kiss his temple. ]
There's no where else I'd rather be than here with you... It was you who supported me all that time, so why should I give time of day to any other? Besides...
[ He exhales softly, closing eyes for a few seconds before standing up and resting his hands on his shoulders instead. He lets them linger there briefly before tugging the chair next to him out, sitting in it and folding his arms on the table as he sets his eyes on the person next to him. However many people there are in the world, he only sees one. ]
... I won't deny what you've said, but it was about more than that. I wanted to protect these peaceful days.
[ How frightening it was to wait for that person to arrive, and even now he finds himself thinking only of the next generation. There will be another, but it'll take time; he'll have the ability to put other measures in place by then. He'll do it because he's afraid, he'll do it because he wants to keep these small moments when he can trick himself into believing he can forget his worries, so that no one can ever think of interfering with them.
No one at all.
He thinks on the former question for a moment before adding, ]
It's good to visit things that make you uncomfortable once in awhile too, isn't it? You can't run away from them.
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[ There's a tightness to those words, something hesitant and painful despite it being genuine, because he's never had the same confidence as Komaeda does. He's not certain that he would be able to kill the person he loves. Perhaps he would let the world burn. If the Ultimate Lucky Student were to live up his name, perhaps Hiyori would bend down to inhale a flower's aroma only to be dragged down to Hell by his beloved.
Those possible futures that left him tossing and turning at night are long since past, though the nightmares of the world hold steady. Perhaps they would soften a little if only he could feel the soft flesh beneath his fingertips or remember the delirious grin that had crossed his face as he looked down upon his bloodstained hands and her lifeless body; the nervous laugh that escaped him, and the split-second of relief he'd felt. It's a bliss that no human can understand, for just the slightest moment Sou Hiyori had been truly safe - beloved, perfect, unbreakable, all those things he'd been promised.
It's a goal that was impressed upon him by others and interpreted by Hiyori himself, yet none can deny the results. Those of the school he so detested could only acknowledge him as a harbinger of hope that would bring them of greater heights - his erasure an error, and how the public would swallow it - yet perhaps because he thinks so lightly of it, he doesn't radiate the hope that he was promised to. He's not the Ultimate Hope that he'd been so imagined; he's as fickle as ever, with a hope that comes and goes, as though uncertain of where to settle.
How unfair it is that a person like Nagito Komaeda had been born. If not for him, the earth might not continue spinning, for even that is because Hiyori desires it to. How unfair that he's able to see through the cracks and abnormalities. But Hiyori has always been an odd duck, unloved by the very school that raised him, empty as long as Komaeda has known him, so perhaps this is nothing more than business as usual.
Indeed, even among Ultimates there's no denying that he's an unusual figure - one who was raised from birth to be perfection, to be hope itself, and broke as beautifully as the biggest and brightest star at such a young age.
How unlucky that the individual before him can sniff out true hope. ]
I imagined that world once, so I have an idea of what it would be like, and so I endeavored to make sure that none could ever do so... [ Genuine words, one that had so fueled so much of his life that he can think of no other way of existing, ] ... How lucky I am to have met Komaeda-kun, who reminded me every day of why I overcame that disgusting feeling!
[ If he had forgotten to be afraid for a moment, for an instant, for just the slightest second then...
...
...
Ah, it's fine... He would have overcome it all over again; he would heal any damage done to the earth. He would have, for he loves it more than any other... Yet, he knows any of that...
Ah, it's enough that it's gone for now... ]
I love you, Nagito - [ He clears his throat with a sheepish smile before correcting himself, ] Komaeda-kun....
no subject
He the top of his head with a few whispered words of reassurance, a promise that he wouldn't let it come to that before settling down in the chair next to him. Should he demand more? No, he's a prideful and vain man, but he's one who wants to guide people into making the choice he's decided on for them rather than forcing it. He keeps nudging Komaeda little more each time in hopes that it'll slip past him, but, ah - there's no need for him to be so skittish either.
His features soften at the mention of wedding rings though, a warm smile crossing his face and his eyes crinkling. He takes the younger man's left hand in his own, rubbing his thumb over the spot a ring would lay. The fourth finger on the left hand is has the vein of love which goes directly to the heart, or so the Romans thought at one time. He likes to think of it to be that he could pour all of his love onto a single ring, one that would constantly send small doses through the Vena Amoris. ]
I'll always want to be closer to you... We should act as a proper married couple would now more than ever...But it would make me happy, ah, just the idea of it makes my heart swell!
[ He lifts his hands up to his lips so he can kiss where that vein should be, an offering of love. ]
From now on, I can devote my entire self to you alone.
[ His work is never done, the world is always in need of a guiding hand and a watchful eye, but his days of running himself into an early grave ended some time ago. Now his heart no longer need split between the lover who gave him hope and the heart pounding idea of ending despair. ]
no subject
The idea of where he could take him and what he might show him, here or there anywhere, makes his heart bloom and his face brighten. Komaeda is the one he loves most, and the one who scares him the most. If he were to find out, surely that hand would never touch him again, but rather would sit at the bedside of a person who will never awaken. ]
Hmm... Could it be the hope that I show you? Or perhaps you've finally come to prefer the feeling of my smiles and kisses...? ♡
[ That's never taken priority before, but a man can dream, and if he's able to pull a smile from his husband with it then he'll consider it a victory. ]
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[ But he doesn't mind that when he seems to have taken it well enough. He leans in to kiss him despite knowing what the over is looking for. It's not the best look for a man like him to be exchanging kisses with a teenager in public, but despite his constant effort to maintain his appearance his displays of affection are the one thing he rarely shies away from. But he can determine what he wants from there.
The answer to that question is a gruesome one that will only raise further questions, ones that are more difficult for him to answer. He should be laid up in the hospital with multiple injuries, as that girl had earned her title. She was the moon that eclipses the sun, a beautiful bisque doll that had filled its hollow insides with a slimey black tar, a terrifying woman who could twist hearts with a few words and end the world with just the flick of a neatly manicured hand, yet it would never be enough to cure that disease that afflicts her, and in return he would never tire of her.
The idea of that her soft hair knotted up in his hand and her soft skin stained red send chills down his spine. What expression had she made? It must not have been boring. He hopes she smiled, that beautiful smile of a person who's cured their boredom for but a moment. He'd want to preserve that as he sawed her head off to ensure the job was done properly... Ah, what could this fluttering feeling, this lightness, be called if not love?
That's right. He loved her more than anyone else could ever hope to, and in return he gave her a love that no one else would ever receive from her. A heart-pounding, once in a lifetime love that no one could hope to understand, and what he wasn't do to relive it all over again! He would relive that experience again and again until he overdosed, until he built up such a tolerance that his entire heart was left numb.
Alas, such a love can only be felt once, and he resents missing it. But he doesn't think Komaeda could understand loving such a vile creature. Hiyori is ever willing to love the unlovable, those sickly creature who only need a steady hand to cut out the disease that afflict them and see the beautiful creature hidden beneath, and he'll throw a tantrum if he tries to explain how men must not speak of the deaths of young women.
He's too young to understand such complicated feelings, too innocent, and Hiyori will ensure that he stays that way. ]
... Let me ask you something before we speak of that. Did you know that everyone is beautiful at some point in their life? There are those who are born beautiful, there are some whom don't reach that state until they're of a ripe old age. They might carry that shine for decades, or it might last for just a single moment, and it can come at any time... That moment when a person truly looks at you and sees you, when they make you into something beauitful.
[ He pokes his chest, right where his heart should be. ]
Komaeda-kun has a pure and honest heart, so he's always beautiful.
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The person sitting beside him has never understood. He never will understand. He wants to hear of the world beyond the walls he's put up for them, but he's too fragile to accept the truth of what a disgusting, filthy place the world is. The truth is what tarnishes their silver and cracks their gemstones, it rots the roots of their plans and poisons the soil they're planted in. Komaeda's numbed himself to death, categorized the world into hope and despair, and so all of the rotten things that hide between are missed.
Even if Hiyori told him, he wouldn't understand it. ]
Komaeda-kun is always beautiful, but... Yes, she was too. It was for but the briefest of moments, but I was able to find what lay hidden behind the poison and rot that must have eaten away at that child for so much of her life and find something beautiful beneath it.
[ Hiyori folds his arms on the table before him and lets his eyes trail down. That will be enough to tell Komaeda that he has no intention of regaling every detail, but it's not for a lack of ability to; rather, Hiyori never seems to share anything but what he finds to be the ugly parts of his stories, only describing them with the vaguest of details. He opened up just a touch about his school days, but to this day he's never spoken of anything more than the motive and the passion it lit up within him.
The poison that runs in his veins pains him every day. This, too, would live in his human counterpart's nightmares even as he rested easier. But so long as he does little magic tricks to make candies fall out of cups and revive flowers he can still preserve that beauty, place it in a box and lock it up tight within the confines in his heart. He can place the moon on earth just by showing its reflection in the lake, and he can watch it break apart and reform just by throwing rocks at it. ]
I wish to preserve that beauty alone.
[ He runs his head to look back at Komaeda. ]
Aside from that, there's nothing grand or exciting about it. I'm a simple doctor, not some hero in some epic. I did what I set out to, and I sacrificed the life of one person so that others can live. The tale is as simple as that.
[ The rest was always going to be for him alone. ]
no subject
The chair scrapes against the floor as Hiyori pushes it back before standing up. He walks down to where Komaeda is, wrapping one arm around his chest to hold him before letting his other trail down to his stomach. He's too pure to see the world as it is, but that too is something that Hiyori loves about him. ]
Come now, I'm only doing what's right...
[ He doesn't doubt that he'll squirm and complain, so he holds onto him a little tighter and drops his chin onto his shoulder. Perhaps it would be a better story for him if it were the truth given his tendencies, as the greatest victories follow the most ferocious fights. ]
It probably should have been Komaeda-kun, who has always worked so hard to protect hope... You deserve as much credit as I do for all that you did, so I suppose I shouldn't hide it from you. But it's something that should be shared between just the two of us, don't you think...?
[ He lets his hand slide under Komaeda's shirt, his hand sliding along his stomach as he trails a few kisses along his neck. It's hardly appropriate behavior for a public place, much less a library, but they're in an out of the way corner so it should prove to be no trouble. They're suggestive actions, offerings of affection meant to show his care, but nothing that would carry over later. It's too messy, too complicated, and the very thought makes it impossible for him to push things now. ]
Just give me a little bit of time, and I promise to tell you everything... You and you alone, my beloved Komaeda-kun.
[ It's an acknowledgment of his efforts and desires, but also his capacity to handle those ugly truths that the world cannot. It's a frail thing with flowers whose stems have just begun to peek out of the ground. Even if he were so inclined, offering up his heart would only lead to more problems. There's too many who can't understand... Komaeda won't either, and it's frustrating to have to share with him, but he knows that this is the sort of topic that his cute husband won't let go. He'll escalate it further and further until he finally gets what he wants. But he can give him time. ]
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... No, no, it's nothing like that. You're the only one I touch like this...
[ He thinks about teasing him more, but instead he just reaches over to touch his arm, letting his hand slide down to take Komaeda's in his own. It's complicated for more than his current state. He is Sou Hiyori, so he can predict the future and think of the past and know where he should be. His programming allows him to make those calculations, albeit it's imperfect for how a single feather can cause an entire foundation to collapse.
But he thinks that there would always be a small feeling hidden under the ecstasy of success and the momentary warmth. Hiyori gives his hand a little squeeze. ]
It might be difficult for you to understand, Komaeda-kun, but I saw just a little bit of myself in the Ultimate Analyst. However unpleasant her personality, she had a beautiful talent that could have changed the world for the better.
[ It's nearly unheard of for any Ultimate to receive such praise from him, and it pulls a small frown from him. His forehead crinkles as his brows knit in a moment of frustration, but she was such an undeniably gifted child that even Hiyori can't overlook it. He's a survivor who had such a beautiful talent, one who grew bored and frustrated, and one who fell into that same Hell before crawling out of it with scars that will never fade. It's too much for the Ultimate Lucky Student to understand. ]
I saw a a little bit of my younger self in Enoshima-san... Rather, who I might have become if I were a weak-hearted soul.
[ Because the world is a boring, miserable, empty place. Some find hope, some find despair, but Hiyori had found nothing but a fear of both and emptied himself out until there was nothing left. He's not a man who reveals much of himself, but nor does he ever have a difficult time collecting and articulating his thoughts. Here is no different as he neatly summarizes it with, ]
... It's unpleasant.
[ That he could be compared to her, or perhaps what could have transpired? No, for he was always going to recover and become better. It's that disgusting feeling and filth and rot and maggots crawling through one's veins. However sickening it might have been to look in a mirror, to see it in another is an entirely different matter. He had seen it, Komaeda had seen it, so why couldn't anyone else? Disgusting, just vile, it makes him sick just to think about. ]
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[ People can be saved just by being seen, yet no one had looked in his direction even once. She's luckier than him, as in her final moment she was seen for the beautiful creature that she is by him. He was able to see in her who she could have been, and he was able to see in her who he might have become. He could have become a force that destroyed the world, or he might have been seen as someone ended his life. As it is, he's always been alone.
If he had found her when she was younger, he believes that he could have reshaped her into something much more beautiful. But Komaeda is right enough. The past is as infinite for the future, but only one answer exists for both. There's no need to dwell on what might have been. Nor is there any need for him to continue fussing so about the fate of the world when he is no longer the only one to see those symptoms in a person, as the Ultimate Lucky Student's talent is so great as to sense despair as one does smoke blown in their face.
If he can do so, then others should be able to as well. He simply needs to change this world into a place that can protect itself as well as he does. He offers a sheepish and apologetic smile, embarrassed by his own thoughts and behavior. ]
But I shouldn't dwell on the past. Enoshima and I both chose our respective paths, and I can trust you to protect the world from despair as readily as I trust myself to. There's no reason for me to worry any longer.
[ He shifts his way of referring to her to match how Komaeda does. It's a polite referral that keeps a distance between them, but it was always different than how he refers to those he's fond of. He tends to refer to younger girls cutely until they correct him. It's a display of affection and fondness for them, but he supposes he need not refer to her as one would a person at all. Hiyori doesn't approach, but he will lean forward so he can reach his hand out for him to take. ]
Komaeda-kun always sets my head on straight, does he not? Please forgive me, I won't say something so foolish again.
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I won't, because Komaeda-kun will keep those thoughts away... But whatever else I might be, I am a doctor first and foremost. Those under my care are all equal, and there is no disease that is too great for me to cure.
[There's a firmness to those words that leaves no word for argument. It's a point of pride for him, and not one that he takes lightly. It's the vile and sinful that he pays the closest attention to, and it's the most sickly that the world has abandoned, for he can give them what none other can. It's complicated and messy. Even if he were to try, he wouldn't be able to sort through all the thoughts and emotions that have kept him moving until now, but he knows that it was something that needed to be done.
He had offered her salvation before her heart stopped beating. Such a wonderful thing love is. ]
I cut that sickness out of her so that nothing would remain of it... Besides... [ He hums, searching for the right way to explain the other half of it before saying, ] ... A sinner who is purified in their final moments is a much better story for others to follow than a martyr who dies for their cause, don't you think?
[ If she's a martyr, then it's an inspirational story that others can follow and mimic. It has to be thought of as something that can be cured. If she's repentant, then it's no less a cautionary tale than any fairy tale - a foolish child eaten away by disease and despair, who so refused help that she could only find salvation at the very end. There will still be those foolish enough to admire it, but it won't have the same beauty and glory to it, nor the same obsessive need to carry on what was started. Those who do will be the weak posing as the strong. ]
... Now, what will it take for you to forgive me?
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[ Komaeda is a burning hot flame as well. He's a true believer of all his own and just as extreme, but he's tempered by his simple wants and needs. The world he dreams of is one where the pain and suffering that he feels daily no longer exist, a veritable paradise that could never exist on this Earth.
He always makes him say things so directly.
It's not hard to guess at what he wants. He's fussing and picking things apart because he's been denied the knowledge of what happened, just as he always does when he wants something. The idea would still bother him, of course, but no doubt he would be more willing to fit it into the narrative were he satisfied knowing how well he had done. ]
You always fuss so much when you're denied something... [ He chuckles, reaching over to take his arm so he can pull him close, wrapping an arm around his waist and holding him tight. He's the type to struggle and throw more of a tantrum if Hiyori doesn't soothe him, so he keeps going, ] ... Later, when it's just the two of us I'll tell you. Okay? It's a story meant for your ears only, so be patient.
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[ However much Hiyori might hide, it's Komaeda that does him harm by denying him every day. His fingers curl, gripping the fabric of his shirt as his hand is scratched. It's uncomfortable, but he's not wiling to let go now that he's caught him. He's so childish at times like this. Hiyori's chest rises and falls as he huffs out a breath, leaning forward to kiss his cheek.
It's not as though he's doing this out of spite. He thinks about teasing him more, but he knows Komaeda's moods, and he'll really will throw a tantrum if he thinks he's being ignored. ]
I do what's best for you, always, because I love you. I brought you to the library because it's the perfect place for us... It's quiet and it's never too crowded. We can pick out books for each other, or we can read together... We can do all of that without needing to worry about your luck.
[ It's a safe place for him... Ah, he probably thinks Hiyori won't tell him later later though, doesn't he? It's like him to find a way to get out of things. ]
... But we don't have to stay. Do you want to go home?
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Komaeda is more valuable than anything else in this world. Your health and happiness are all I want.
[ But hearing a story won't make him happy. It might offer validation or create a pleasant memory, but it won't cure him. He thinks about pushing his luck a little further, but he can see that his cute husband is already twisting things around to suit his purposes. It was meant to be a fun date, not a way to ensnare him. He has him trapped now though, rocking back and forth with him and smiling softly despite the obvious agitation. ]
How about this... I'll answer one question for now, and I'll tell you the rest later. What do you think? Will you forgive me then?
[ He rubs small circles on his back as he speaks. It's not telling him the entire story, but it might be enough to assure him that he doesn't plan on hiding the entire affair. Beside that, it's a way of giving him a small win now. ]