( closed to @luck ) your turn to die: sou hiyori

[killed]

With varying vanities, from every part, they shift the moving toyshop of their heart.

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[killed]

[ Love comes in all forms, but it's only at times like this, his thoughts scattered and unstable due to heavy drugs, that to be reminded of the love given to him throughout the years can be a needle pressing down and piercing his skin. It's what he wants. If people love him for his proper appearances and accomplishments, for his fame and success and riches and efforts, then he's safe. It's that love that he chases after, that he nurtures, and so there's no reason to be upset.

It's something about the drugs, it's something about that title.

Komaeda leaves before he can open his mouth to say anything more. He blinks a few times at that, and when he gets back there's a quizzical cant of the head as he sits across from him and out of his reach. ]

Ah, thank you...

[ He takes the juice first, twisting the cap off and taking a couple of slow sips. It has a light sweetness to it, just enough for him to taste it, and he finds that good enough for the moment. It's unlikely that they'll give him any more sweets. ]

The park sounds nice. We could make a day of it... We'll have to bring birdseed with us, or a mixed vegetable bag.

[ The ones that just have peas, carrots, and corn are fine enough for waterfowl. It would be nice after being trapped inside for so long, and so long as they chose a less traversed one there won't be too many people. Hiyori does well enough in crowds, and he'll do better yet after isolation, but having someone to himself sounds nice too. ]

[killed]

You never embarrass me.

[ Except for those times during which he's decided to throw a tantrum in the middle of a crowded space. It might not have been ideal to have strangers shown his Student ID either, but that continues to be a problem for future Hiyori. Present Hiyori need not fear that others will bother him.

He lets Komaeda take his water, taking a couple more small sips. He tilts the bottle back and forth, watching with amusement as the liquid sloshes around before he raises his eyes. ]

But we can go back to my bed if you'd like! ♡ I miss spending time with Komaeda-kun... It's not the same when we're around a bunch of busybodies.

[ It's a joke, but it's also not. It's crowded in here, and it is somewhat inconvenient to be watched as though he were a school child that could act out at any time. It makes it difficult to relax when he'll be scolded for this and that, as though he has no concept of his own limitations nor what's right or wrong. Then they'll find some excuse or another as to why this was a bad idea, and how he should really focus on recovering and what else they're taking from him...

All this because of one little incident! ]

[killed]

You were the one trying to get away from me, weren't you? I should have liked it better if we'd been able to stay together. It's been lonely without you.

[ Slipping out the window, attempting to crawl through the vents, what could one call that if not an attempt to leave? But he allows him to pretend at it being his fault for now. They certainly were not happy with finding a chair on the bed. The moment he did that, they were bound to be separated due to the close supervision he would be given. It was just a matter of how it happened.

It could have been worse. Perhaps it could have been better, but he was in no state to continue diplomatic efforts. But he does chuckle, a little amused by one accusation. ]

Now, how am I a busybody?

[killed]

[ He's still upset with him, but that's beside the point. He hides it well enough that it's not a problem. ]

I addressed you when I noticed you.

[ That much is true enough. His mind is running slow, and as such there had been a delay, and whether or not he might have waited longer if he hadn't been causing trouble once more is beside the point. Upset or otherwise, he prefers to stop problems before they start.

Unfortunately, Komaeda likely doesn't remember the dozens of times it happened while in his care, and so he has few examples to point to. But it hardly does any good if he waits until after the damage is done.

He lets out a small sigh, relenting a little bit, ]

These drugs have unfortunate side effects... My moods haven't been very stable, and everything seems to be more than it is.

[ Which is true enough. He can grow upset without them, but he does well enough in redirecting his efforts into something constructive. Komaeda is sensitive enough to his changes in mood, but even then, it isn't as though he's some brute who responds by acting passive aggressive or throwing out accusations. The worst he's done is pull away to call an ambulance when one was sorely needed.

...

Anyone would agree that being upset about the person they love thinking of another while coming onto them is a fine reason to be upset. ]

[killed]

Mm... I won't deny that I should have noticed sooner.

[ He can't deny that much. Hiyori is sharp, and he notices everything and everyone around him. He picks up on all those little details, commits them to memory, files them away for later. He knows where everyone is, where they stand, where to find them at any given time. It's part of being a prodigy.

Those senses are dull, and he's tired all the time, and his mood varies. Sometimes the drugs hit him hard enough that he's left in a happy daze, at others the crippling depression sinks in with a variety of unpleasant effects. He's hardly aware of what's going on around him at any given time, and nothing is as it should be. No one will do more than humor him, albeit they take his orders well enough.

He tries to process what's being said to him. He doesn't like being compared to someone else, especially not being told he's just like another when he puts forth more effort and has thus built himself up into something truly special, but there's only a small frown in response to that. He's focusing on the question that had been presented to him first.

How long...? ]

I've been taking them since my first stay... I was almost off of them when I wound up back in here.

[ That is to say, far longer than anyone should be. ]

They had to change it since I built up too much of a tolerance... I don't remember when that was... But that's not why I acted. You could have broken limbs, or cracked your skull open, and even if you managed to get up, there would no doubt have been complications from crawling on such a sensitive and injured area, most of all while on drugs.

[ Another sip, and his brow furrows as he tries to remember what his thought process had been. It's difficult. He's not retaining memory well. He hates pain, he's childish and pathetic about it, but in truth his pain tolerance is better than most when it needs to be. It has to be to work with such difficult patients. ]

It was to keep Komaeda-kun from putting himself at risk.

[killed]

[ thinkin bout how the dementia patient who regularly tries to throw himself out the window, stabs people, and is delusional thinks he's the responsible adult is sending me ]

... That's right. Nagito Komaeda is my husband now, so I have to be even more careful to make sure I don't lose him.

[ He knows, of course, none of his patients will be coming back to him now. They'll already have established themselves with other doctors, and his heart aches when he thinks of it. There's nothing that can be done now though. If he were to take up the mantle once more, he would need to build himself back up anew, but even that seems unlikely when he's already been instructed to focus on his work with ASUNARO.

But he can still treat him as one, and more importantly, as the person that he loves most of all. ]

I won't die. You don't need to worry about that. How will I be there for you if I do?

[ There's an air of confidence to those words, an unshakable certainty. He will not die, no matter what happens, and so strong is his desire to live that he's willing to trade away his human body for something more efficient. It's why he acts in the way he does, the reason he's raised himself such that the world has become dull and boring.

Neither of them will die. He'll make sure of it. ]

roll: 18

[killed]

[ Hiyori blinks, a puzzled smile on his face, as though he can't quite register the words being spoken. It's true enough that they're not legally married, but there's no denying that what had occurred between them was an act of love. There's none of who could deny the purity of their union, nor their feelings for each other. That love moves his heart even now as he watches Komaeda across from him, and he wishes that he could lean on him and nuzzle his shoulder and whisper in his ear so that no one else can hear the words he says.

They're unworthy of such affection, just as Komaeda is undeserving of such cruelty as a false marriage. ]

Ah, I should never toy with the heart of another like that. Well, I must admit, I had imagined something a little more traditional, but it's just as well...

[ There's a warm and gentle laugh that should leave none believing that he was referring to a near-death experience. ]

Of course, we should seek legal recognition at the earliest opportunity, but marriage is nothing more than a union between two people in love. It's an agreement to not wake up from the warm dream that is your mutual love for your entire life, ah, such a wonderful thing.

[ Love is, after all, nothing more than an illusion created by two people. It's the mistaken belief that such mutual love exists, that the person stands before them loves them with their entire heart, and that they in turn can feel the same way. So it stands to reason that marriage is nothing more than an agreement to maintain that illusion for the rest of their lives.

If one understands that, then there's no need for promises of loving for both the good and bad times. ]

I've said my vow, and I shall not go back on it! Until the day I die, I shall love only Nagito Komaeda. My husband, whom I adore and cherish, who brings such warmth and light to my life.

roll: 19

[killed]

I am yours, even in death.

[ There would be others aware of their union if the were to legalize it. He considers for a moment bringing up once more the idea of a more traditional wedding once more, but he finds that it might be difficult when only one half has others to invite. Komaeda has no family and struggles to connect with others, while Hiyori has both a loving family and a comfortable social group. It might be better to slowly introduce him to his family, beginning with his father.

There are none who can object to his choice. His love is as deep as the ocean and as vast as the sky, and it is one that will never die. If there was an afterlife, then he should take it with him. It's why he can speak without so much as a hint of hesitation. Flowery sentiments befitting of his high status, but ones in which are spoken with such care and admiration. They're words that are meant to be believed, ones that should be taken to heart. ]

I will love you for all eternity. My feelings will never change.

[ His embarrassed face is cute too. It makes Hiyori love him even more. ]

[killed]

[ It's difficult for a person whose never been given love so freely to accept it. It must feel like a trick, like being given a present box only to have a boxing glove sprint out once opened, but there's nothing so treacherous about Hiyori. No matter how cruel or kind it might be, his love is always far more pure and honest than any other can hope to be.

Perhaps that's part of why he can love the person sitting across from him. However much he resents it, however jealous hearted and upset he grows, that pure love is one that matches his own. Love pure enough to save one's life as quickly as it might take it. Hiyori should sacrifice every piece of his partner for himself, while Komaeda might give it freely, and that too is a love well matched.

He chuckles, sipping at the bottle of juice. He can't move one arm well, but he manages to rest it on the table to grip the bottle so he can trace the rim of the bottle with his index finger and close his eyes for just a moment. He hardly need be bothered by such a hypothetical when he knows that he won't die. It allows him to humor the idea with the same ease he does everything else. ]

Yes, even then, my life and love shall both be for Komaeda-kun alone.

[killed]

[ It takes Hiyori a few seconds to process that. As is often the case, the grim suggestion doesn't at all match the tone it's said in. It must be because he's still agitated about being confined, but it's moved from looking for a simple escape to a lover's suicide. Though perhaps that's not it at all, and it's simply the result of his own inability to accept the idea of sharing such a love in this life. It's a romantic notion, but as expected, it's not an offer that he can accept. ]

Hm...? We have our entire lives ahead of us, Komaeda-kun, it would be wasteful to cut them short now.

[ He allows Komaeda to keep his hold on him. His smile doesn't falter despite the grim subject matter. It's easy when the drugs slow his emotional reactions, and when he's in such a place that he knows he need not worry. He's so well taken care of that it's annoying, really, and even now he knows they're watching every slight movement. Such as it is, the younger ultimate is left to plan everything out himself as expected. ]

Are you worried?

roll: 10

[killed]

Hm...? Our decision...?

[ He keeps his eyes on Komaeda, patiently waiting for clarification. Hiyori can't remember making a decision, nor can he discern what he might be claiming ownership of. It's too far detached from his own way of thinking. But he realizes that something is off, so perhaps that's a start.

It's stranger still when the topic suddenly shifts. It's a bit difficult for him to keep up. ]

It's been that way for me as well... It might be difficult to convince them now. Have you tried asking?

[ It would be difficult for either of them, really, as they're both seen as a safety hazard for different reasons. It's a hassle, but he supposes they might bend on the issue for him. His hand remains in place, and he makes no effort to movie. It's all a bit odd, really. ]

rolle: 17

[killed]

Ahaha... I'm not doing much walking right now.

[ He looks down with a wry smile, and it stings to say that. He takes his scarf back though, resting it on his lap for the moment. He's still trying to work through what decision he could be referring to. Komaeda is emotional and impulsive, and he tends to make spur of the moment decisions that will only harm him in the long run. He'll have to mention it to someone.

He carefully folds the scarf in his lap, smoothing it out as he looks down. It's a shame that he's so reckless, otherwise he might have been able to leave it with him for a time. ]

You shouldn't be lifting anything in your condition... If you're having a hard time, you should ask one of the nurses. They'll be happy to assist you.

[ Practiced and professional words that are marred by the sleepy tone, and he's quick to move on once more, ]

We should go to the zoo too.. We can go to one where you can meet with the animals... Perhaps we can pet the fennecs? We could feed the sea lions too. ♪

[killed]

[ Hiyori knows that look well. He doesn't like what's been suggested, nor the change in conversation... It's a little disappointing. He's rather fond of the idea of being able to take him to such places - the aquariums and zoos where they can see fish and animals, the planetarium where they can learn of the stars, museums where they can see art and innovation... Those places along with so many others.

But Komaeda doesn't want that now, and so he offers a sheepish smile despite how dejected he is. ]

Yes... I'm sure they will be. I'll heal up quickly so that we can! ♡

[ He leans forward, taking another drink from his bottle. ]

For now... I suppose that we'll have to make due with what we had. You wanted me to go with you, didn't you? Ah, if I won't cause you too much trouble...