badend | ( closed to @luck ) your turn to die: sou hiyori

[ Well, he had tried to reach out, but he had given up when that didn't work, though perhaps his messages simply didn't go through, but he had certainly give up. He lets his arm be removed though, resting his hand in his lap.

He's still not happy, but Hiyori supposes that he can relent a little. He nods in agreement to taking the first bite before shaking his head as he responds to the claim, ]

Not at all. It's quite the opposite. I love you always. On warm and sunny days, on windy and rainy days, I love you.

[ On days when his mere presence can light up the room, on days when he causes nothing but trouble, there's an immovable love behind it. Hiyori is one who can bring out the beauty in anyone, who can fill even the most despicable creature up with such pleasant dreams that they forget their own monstrous appearance, and all of that nothing more than him pouring his affection into each and every one of them.

Komaeda is special though. He offers that unchanging love to him every day without fail, crafts him into something beautiful just by recognizing him as such, and even now as he wraps an arm around his waist so he can lean over to kiss his temple. ]

No matter the weather or time of day, I love you always, and I think of you always. That will never change.

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[ He starts, but he can't quite mange to seal the deal, and Hiyori can only watch. A kiss would be best, but he'll settle for how close he had gotten. Those words must have helped to bring him around a little. There's no need to pull him back in when doing so might agitate him further, and so he instead reaches over to gingerly rest a hand on his arm, leaning over just slightly. But his hazy mind pulls at him and reminds him that this time spent together is precious given that assurance, and his heart aches to think of how harsh his restrictions will continue to be.

But maybe he can sense some of what he's been thinking too, or perhaps it's just how well he knows him. Komaeda isn't a fan of being trapped in any one place, but least of all in a rigid and structured setting such as this. ]

... Komaeda-kun. I told them to give you the same care as they would give me. They'll make sure that you heal quickly, well enough that you don't have to come back. They won't keep you a second longer than they need to... I promise.

[ Hiyori doesn't break his promises any more than any of those employed by ASUNARO do. He lets his hand move up, stroking his hair, tilting his head to look at him better. His eyes looked so clear above his, not a trace of the hazy look that those around him carry, and he regrets that the other had been so quick to pull away and hide his face once more. ]

I believe you'll be released soon, much sooner than I will be at least, and of course I'll visit you once I get out. You'll be the first person I see.

[ He has no one to go back to, but he can at least have someone who will come back to him.

There's a plate on the table with two pieces of toast and egg, one with more salt on it than the other. He lifts that piece up, taking a small bite before setting it down before nudging it toward Komaeda. ]

... Okay?

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[ ... He could've gotten a handjob?

He thinks about that missed opportunity for a moment, a little heartbroken, but fortunately he's able to quickly dismiss it. He doesn't have much of a sex drive right now, so it would be wasted, and there will be plenty of time for that later. Anyway, he's just not going to think about it, and aside from a couple blinks and a briefly puzzled look, he doesn't falter. There's a little laugh before he fixes his smile. ]

Of course not... It doesn't matter what we're doing, any time spent with you is precious to me.

[ He lifts up the piece of toast and takes another small bite, chewing thoroughly before swallowing. He seems to have cheered up enough to have a small meal at least, and that does make him feel a touch better about the entire affair, so this is a net win. It's bland, but it gets the job done. He probably wants to get out of her quicker, and that's a sentiment they both share. He keeps the toast in his hand, taking another small bite before finally setting it down on the plate. ]

I'm doing this because I want you to recover quickly. I want you to be able to go back to school, and to be able to greet me with a smile when I'm released. And then you can tell me about everything that's happened while I was away... Promise me that you will?

[ Hiyori already knows what the subject will wind up being. It'll be sprinkled with plenty of talk about which of his classmates had done what and other subjects he has little interest in, but he'll listen even to that. Truly, he's certain by that point it'll be downright entertaining to have a conversation and a life that isn't confined to white walls and sterile rooms. ]

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[ Annie Wilkes was, too, the biggest fan of the object of her affection - the talented Paul Sheldon, whom she resented so much for ending his book series that she went so far as to hold him hostage and leaving him crippled, starvation and dehydration and withholding the painkillers he was addicted to, even cutting off a foot and thumb in order to satisfy her passion for his works. It was her love for the aptly named Misery, her love for a human that can never exist, and for Sheldon who was the only one who could breathe life into her lungs and force blood to flow through her veins.

Komaeda is much like Wilkes, but he's far cuter than a washed up nurse who spends their days thoughtlessly killing. He must have gone on a hunger strike, and he thinks it's fortunate that he's indulging now. They would force a feeding tube down his throat if he continued. Hiyori himself has little appetite, but he can have anything he pleases at any time, and so he's satisfied with just watching.

His biggest fan, who would confine him to a basement and hack off limbs and crush his legs just in order to see him offer up a satisfying conclusion to his story. It's easy enough when there's no love for him, a mere person, a venue for his true goals.

There's a gentle laugh, the pleasant smile easily remaining in place, because he's lived such a life as far back as he can remember. ]

Well, if you're not there, then you won't be able to! That's why you need to make a fully recovery, so that I have you to return to!

[ He resented being loved for what he is and where he comes from in his youth. He still does, but only insofar as that his efforts are a far greater accomplishment. It feels wrong to love him, it's disgusting and vile when his connection to that place is so limited, and what could be a great reward than a love considered vile and wrong as often as it is a pure and absolute good? ]

Ah, I believe they have beverages over there...

[ He lifts his finger to point. He knows this place well. ]

Would you be kind enough to get me some juice as well? White peace juice would be lovely if they have it... Ah, of course water would be fine as well.

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[ Love comes in all forms, but it's only at times like this, his thoughts scattered and unstable due to heavy drugs, that to be reminded of the love given to him throughout the years can be a needle pressing down and piercing his skin. It's what he wants. If people love him for his proper appearances and accomplishments, for his fame and success and riches and efforts, then he's safe. It's that love that he chases after, that he nurtures, and so there's no reason to be upset.

It's something about the drugs, it's something about that title.

Komaeda leaves before he can open his mouth to say anything more. He blinks a few times at that, and when he gets back there's a quizzical cant of the head as he sits across from him and out of his reach. ]

Ah, thank you...

[ He takes the juice first, twisting the cap off and taking a couple of slow sips. It has a light sweetness to it, just enough for him to taste it, and he finds that good enough for the moment. It's unlikely that they'll give him any more sweets. ]

The park sounds nice. We could make a day of it... We'll have to bring birdseed with us, or a mixed vegetable bag.

[ The ones that just have peas, carrots, and corn are fine enough for waterfowl. It would be nice after being trapped inside for so long, and so long as they chose a less traversed one there won't be too many people. Hiyori does well enough in crowds, and he'll do better yet after isolation, but having someone to himself sounds nice too. ]

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You never embarrass me.

[ Except for those times during which he's decided to throw a tantrum in the middle of a crowded space. It might not have been ideal to have strangers shown his Student ID either, but that continues to be a problem for future Hiyori. Present Hiyori need not fear that others will bother him.

He lets Komaeda take his water, taking a couple more small sips. He tilts the bottle back and forth, watching with amusement as the liquid sloshes around before he raises his eyes. ]

But we can go back to my bed if you'd like! ♡ I miss spending time with Komaeda-kun... It's not the same when we're around a bunch of busybodies.

[ It's a joke, but it's also not. It's crowded in here, and it is somewhat inconvenient to be watched as though he were a school child that could act out at any time. It makes it difficult to relax when he'll be scolded for this and that, as though he has no concept of his own limitations nor what's right or wrong. Then they'll find some excuse or another as to why this was a bad idea, and how he should really focus on recovering and what else they're taking from him...

All this because of one little incident! ]

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You were the one trying to get away from me, weren't you? I should have liked it better if we'd been able to stay together. It's been lonely without you.

[ Slipping out the window, attempting to crawl through the vents, what could one call that if not an attempt to leave? But he allows him to pretend at it being his fault for now. They certainly were not happy with finding a chair on the bed. The moment he did that, they were bound to be separated due to the close supervision he would be given. It was just a matter of how it happened.

It could have been worse. Perhaps it could have been better, but he was in no state to continue diplomatic efforts. But he does chuckle, a little amused by one accusation. ]

Now, how am I a busybody?

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[ He's still upset with him, but that's beside the point. He hides it well enough that it's not a problem. ]

I addressed you when I noticed you.

[ That much is true enough. His mind is running slow, and as such there had been a delay, and whether or not he might have waited longer if he hadn't been causing trouble once more is beside the point. Upset or otherwise, he prefers to stop problems before they start.

Unfortunately, Komaeda likely doesn't remember the dozens of times it happened while in his care, and so he has few examples to point to. But it hardly does any good if he waits until after the damage is done.

He lets out a small sigh, relenting a little bit, ]

These drugs have unfortunate side effects... My moods haven't been very stable, and everything seems to be more than it is.

[ Which is true enough. He can grow upset without them, but he does well enough in redirecting his efforts into something constructive. Komaeda is sensitive enough to his changes in mood, but even then, it isn't as though he's some brute who responds by acting passive aggressive or throwing out accusations. The worst he's done is pull away to call an ambulance when one was sorely needed.

...

Anyone would agree that being upset about the person they love thinking of another while coming onto them is a fine reason to be upset. ]

Edited 2022-05-11 22:35 (UTC)

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Mm... I won't deny that I should have noticed sooner.

[ He can't deny that much. Hiyori is sharp, and he notices everything and everyone around him. He picks up on all those little details, commits them to memory, files them away for later. He knows where everyone is, where they stand, where to find them at any given time. It's part of being a prodigy.

Those senses are dull, and he's tired all the time, and his mood varies. Sometimes the drugs hit him hard enough that he's left in a happy daze, at others the crippling depression sinks in with a variety of unpleasant effects. He's hardly aware of what's going on around him at any given time, and nothing is as it should be. No one will do more than humor him, albeit they take his orders well enough.

He tries to process what's being said to him. He doesn't like being compared to someone else, especially not being told he's just like another when he puts forth more effort and has thus built himself up into something truly special, but there's only a small frown in response to that. He's focusing on the question that had been presented to him first.

How long...? ]

I've been taking them since my first stay... I was almost off of them when I wound up back in here.

[ That is to say, far longer than anyone should be. ]

They had to change it since I built up too much of a tolerance... I don't remember when that was... But that's not why I acted. You could have broken limbs, or cracked your skull open, and even if you managed to get up, there would no doubt have been complications from crawling on such a sensitive and injured area, most of all while on drugs.

[ Another sip, and his brow furrows as he tries to remember what his thought process had been. It's difficult. He's not retaining memory well. He hates pain, he's childish and pathetic about it, but in truth his pain tolerance is better than most when it needs to be. It has to be to work with such difficult patients. ]

It was to keep Komaeda-kun from putting himself at risk.

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[ thinkin bout how the dementia patient who regularly tries to throw himself out the window, stabs people, and is delusional thinks he's the responsible adult is sending me ]

... That's right. Nagito Komaeda is my husband now, so I have to be even more careful to make sure I don't lose him.

[ He knows, of course, none of his patients will be coming back to him now. They'll already have established themselves with other doctors, and his heart aches when he thinks of it. There's nothing that can be done now though. If he were to take up the mantle once more, he would need to build himself back up anew, but even that seems unlikely when he's already been instructed to focus on his work with ASUNARO.

But he can still treat him as one, and more importantly, as the person that he loves most of all. ]

I won't die. You don't need to worry about that. How will I be there for you if I do?

[ There's an air of confidence to those words, an unshakable certainty. He will not die, no matter what happens, and so strong is his desire to live that he's willing to trade away his human body for something more efficient. It's why he acts in the way he does, the reason he's raised himself such that the world has become dull and boring.

Neither of them will die. He'll make sure of it. ]

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[ Hiyori blinks, a puzzled smile on his face, as though he can't quite register the words being spoken. It's true enough that they're not legally married, but there's no denying that what had occurred between them was an act of love. There's none of who could deny the purity of their union, nor their feelings for each other. That love moves his heart even now as he watches Komaeda across from him, and he wishes that he could lean on him and nuzzle his shoulder and whisper in his ear so that no one else can hear the words he says.

They're unworthy of such affection, just as Komaeda is undeserving of such cruelty as a false marriage. ]

Ah, I should never toy with the heart of another like that. Well, I must admit, I had imagined something a little more traditional, but it's just as well...

[ There's a warm and gentle laugh that should leave none believing that he was referring to a near-death experience. ]

Of course, we should seek legal recognition at the earliest opportunity, but marriage is nothing more than a union between two people in love. It's an agreement to not wake up from the warm dream that is your mutual love for your entire life, ah, such a wonderful thing.

[ Love is, after all, nothing more than an illusion created by two people. It's the mistaken belief that such mutual love exists, that the person stands before them loves them with their entire heart, and that they in turn can feel the same way. So it stands to reason that marriage is nothing more than an agreement to maintain that illusion for the rest of their lives.

If one understands that, then there's no need for promises of loving for both the good and bad times. ]

I've said my vow, and I shall not go back on it! Until the day I die, I shall love only Nagito Komaeda. My husband, whom I adore and cherish, who brings such warmth and light to my life.

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I am yours, even in death.

[ There would be others aware of their union if the were to legalize it. He considers for a moment bringing up once more the idea of a more traditional wedding once more, but he finds that it might be difficult when only one half has others to invite. Komaeda has no family and struggles to connect with others, while Hiyori has both a loving family and a comfortable social group. It might be better to slowly introduce him to his family, beginning with his father.

There are none who can object to his choice. His love is as deep as the ocean and as vast as the sky, and it is one that will never die. If there was an afterlife, then he should take it with him. It's why he can speak without so much as a hint of hesitation. Flowery sentiments befitting of his high status, but ones in which are spoken with such care and admiration. They're words that are meant to be believed, ones that should be taken to heart. ]

I will love you for all eternity. My feelings will never change.

[ His embarrassed face is cute too. It makes Hiyori love him even more. ]

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[ It's difficult for a person whose never been given love so freely to accept it. It must feel like a trick, like being given a present box only to have a boxing glove sprint out once opened, but there's nothing so treacherous about Hiyori. No matter how cruel or kind it might be, his love is always far more pure and honest than any other can hope to be.

Perhaps that's part of why he can love the person sitting across from him. However much he resents it, however jealous hearted and upset he grows, that pure love is one that matches his own. Love pure enough to save one's life as quickly as it might take it. Hiyori should sacrifice every piece of his partner for himself, while Komaeda might give it freely, and that too is a love well matched.

He chuckles, sipping at the bottle of juice. He can't move one arm well, but he manages to rest it on the table to grip the bottle so he can trace the rim of the bottle with his index finger and close his eyes for just a moment. He hardly need be bothered by such a hypothetical when he knows that he won't die. It allows him to humor the idea with the same ease he does everything else. ]

Yes, even then, my life and love shall both be for Komaeda-kun alone.

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